Quarter Century

hmmm

2010-08-25T19:27:00.002-05:00

Per usual there are multiple ideas bouncing around in my head right now. Granted, i'm about a bottle in so that tends to turn to the dramatic yet luckily (or not?) there has been nothing dramatic or even noteworthy that has happened in the past week. I can't even believe that #2 left a week ago... although i write texts to him then delete them because I.WILL.NOT.WRITE.FIRST. right. i'm the only one playing that game and its against myself. lame.

here go some random thoughts. sorry.

i'm exercising...again. its been 3 days in a row then i decided i needed a break thus the wine. i have noticed that i am almost obsessed with food. i'm not sure why but i believe it has to do with boredom, the mundane. i just need a distraction. i'm eating but healthfully as possible. i mean, i didn't cross the street & get the gyros / fries that i have been dreaming about. back in the day this never would have happened.

back in the day...being 27 isn't a huge deal. it's not. you're still young however you start noticing, things. my knees...they have wrinkles. i have "cheese" on my right thigh. the beginnings of crows feet. loose skin. it takes me longer to shed the pounds & show the muscle. i have less desire to stay out late, i'd rather sleep. when i was 21-22 i thought not going out was a choice, but as i grow old i realize its just growing old. you actually don't want to get all crazy all the time. at least not more than 2 nights in a row. i mean, come on!

i sit here and think about my life. i'm not happy but not depressed. i mostly feel disappointed in myself. i thought i would be doing what i loved at this point, you know - the job that doesn't feel like it. its never going to happen to me. i unfortunately realize that at 27, i'll be stuck here by 30. i was listening to a radio program which talked about 20 somethings that are delaying adulthood. of all the reasons they gave, i found all of them invalid. so what 20somethings want to travel, to give themselves to public service, live with their parents... i feel as though it is apart of a common good - as long as you're productive, meaning searching yourself or the community or the world, not just playing PS3. i wish i did something noteworthy but now its too late. i can't even justify grad school.

match.com. is it as scary as i think? am i ready? i have high hopes that i won't be one of those statistics, but if i can't make friends in a 1.5 yrs then finding a "mate" is going to almost impossible. why is that...why is it that i am from here yet have no friends here. and can't make any. it's the worst. i can't say that moving back tot he 'burbs & living in an apartmenti would be any better off. i would do the same thing but just be closer when the 1x every 3 mos my friends wanted to get together. and i'd probably hang with S more often. we always found excuses for dinner/drinks. but if it was better??? i doubt.

i guess i'm in a funk. that's what my immediate family says. we say that to anyone that we can "feel" isn't acting themselves. as i call myself in a "funk" i actually feel the tears well and i'm not exactly sure why. perhaps its because i'mnot where i thought i would be at 27. or because i'm "alone" without a boyfriend or sex to distract me. or because my job is mundane and awful at the moment (but at least i have one)... it makes me wonder, is the grass actually greener???

this is totally random. i have nothing else. other than i hope he (#2) calls...sometime. i keep looking at my phone hoping when i know i shouldn't. it makes me feel pathetic. i need a hobby. i need to get my instrument from my parents. let the orchestra geeks unite!

Over It

2010-08-16T15:48:00.003-05:00

Last week was my "long" week - meaning, I was scheduled to work on Friday because I had the prior Friday off. In case you didn't know, or didn't remember, my job is very employee friendly and comes with great benefits. One of those being having every other Friday off...the entire year. #2 had qusetioned if I had this past Friday off so we could hang out. I didn't but I was able to convince my boss to let me switch Fridays with myself so I could see #2 and spend the day with him.

I left the planning up to him because it was his last week in Chicago. I gave him the option of hanging out soley on Friday or including Thursday night. He chose to hangout Thursday and Friday. I was ecstatic.

Thursday night, after work and some adult activities, we decided to go to a historic Chicago eatery, The Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinder Restaurant. It was a place #2 had never been but wanted to try before he left for Seattle. The place was charming, after about a beer-long wait we were seated. The food was delicious - Mediterraen bread a large as a blanket, pizza pot-pies, and a bottle of Chianti. YUM. While at dinner #2 mentioned that his buddies - 7 guys - were at a local pub Kelley's so we decided to head over there. It was when we walked in that our evening came to a virtual hault.

If you've been reading, or God-Forbid know me personally, you know that #2 & I clash when it comes to hanging out with friends. I am fun, yet he thinks he needs to babysit me. I could tell that it was boys night out and that #2 wanted to "be one of the guys" so I graciously told him that when they left to go to another bar I would just head home. #2 was obviously agreeable with this plan and disappeared to hang with his friends while about 3 of them were "stuck" with me.

I have to admit, by the end I was starting to feel like a charity case - I was ditched, and I'm sure his friends saw that and were trying to compensate. They were all very nice and I think I was holding my own well. At one point, we lost the majority of the group to the outdoor patio seating so it was decided that us straglers inside would move it out....but I needed to close my tab first. As I'm walking out the door towards the patio stairs #2 meets me at the landing and asked me to leave. He wanted to spend time with his friends. Alone. He wanted me to leave now, not when they went to a different bar. I was shocked. And I had a full drink - not to mention I had paid for 80% of dinner and all his drinks at the bar. I glanced at the patio, saw 2 girls take the last 2 seats at their table, handed him my full Bacarrdi & Diet then hailed a cab.

That poor cab driver...

I. Was. A. Hysterical. Mess. Crying over the phone to HLo about how shitty he had been to me, how I was being NICE by even offering to leave at the next bar and he did this? She was able to talk me off the ledge and was trying to have me see reason. I stormed into my apartment, threw all his stuff into the living room and shut the bedroom door crying myself to sleep.

About an hour later I felt him crawl into bed and wrap his arm around me. It was not acceptable. I immediately got up, slammed the door, slammed the bathroom door then slept on the couch. At about 4am, I woke up with a crik in my neck annoyed that I had surrendered my bed to that ass, pushed him over to his side then slept in my rightful place. In the morning all was forgotten, neither of us mentioning the previous night and continued with our day.

And we had a pretty good day kyaking the Chicago River - minus the merky areas it was gorgeous day in the city. I love this city. Then we spent 2hrs in Whole Foods (that place will get you!) drinking our way through the store trying to find an acceptable lunch. It was devine. On our way back to the apartment #2 was listening to his favorite ESPN radio show and the announcers were at a local bar. He wanted to go...badly. It was about 2:30pm when he dropped me off asking if it was ok if he went. I began to say sure but quickly recovered saying it was not fine but he can do what he wanted. He went. I was ditched. Again. And within less than 24hrs.

Granted I had to leave the city to make back to the 'burbs for a mother/daughter wine tasting by 4pm, but I had changed my life, MY plans to make room for him and couldn't do the same for me? Not even for another 1.5hrs?!?

I put his stuff in a brown paper bag near his overnight bag. He texted later that he felt bad for leaving me behind. In the end it worked out ok because I was able to beat the Friday night commuter traffic by leaving at 3:15 and not 4pm.

Now I'm left wondering if I should see him one last time before he goes. I can tell you my friends say no, but I'm still on the fence. It's already going to end, so why not let it be a sweet ending? Or at least satisfying...ahem. Plus he does have a couple of things I want back - hello apartment keys! Yaidonknow. To the dismay of my friends I probably will see him one last time...

I'm not exactly sure of a couple things but especially how I've let it get this far and why I continue to let things like this happen. I guess I knew things would end and I didn't want to push any issue while we still had time to hang out. But for a smart woman to do this for 2yrs straight is unacceptable. I've hopefully learned my lesson and will not let this happen to me again with the next guy.

Knock on wood...

2010-08-11T15:50:00.003-05:00

Work has been crazy this summer. I'm not sure if it was because I was gone most of June or if loosing a co-worker to retirement has pushed things over the edge (or the combination of both) but it is BUS-Y around here. There was a stint where I would work 7a-4:30p, then work at home from 6-9p. Luckily that's over. Although its been busy in our department I was in total shock, and inwardly pissed when I found out about the new trainee.

It's true, I was off for the majority of the month of June. I'm sorry, but when you get a free trip to Israel you go. My employer went above and beyond and employed a temp, our recent retiree, while I was away to manage my desk. It was a blessing. When I came back to work there was a lot to do, BUT there was a lot already off the books - aka little to no return phone calls or bills to be paid! Like I said a blessing, yet as a group we were still completely swamped.

About a week after readjusting to the daily grind my supervisor hurried our department of 3 into an impromptu meeting. At the meeting we were informed that D in the other department would be crossed trained in our department to help with the workload. I was fuming.

D & I are friends, we started our careers together and I unknowingly followed her here, to where we work now. Over the years we have become closer yet there is a form of rivalry between us, albeit a friendly rivalry. At the time of the "announcement" I couldn't see the bigger picture - we would get the help we needed, she would get the experience/resume bump - all I could see was rage, jealousy, but most of all I thought she was a backstabber.

What was I supposed to think?!? Here I am, back from vacation thinking everything is copacetic when she's been busy pleading her case to the Executive for my job? Really? Plus she had made no mention to me for the 2wks she knew about the "deal" and we're friends?!? OH and they're planning on giving her the more difficult cases, not just the easy ones?!?

Needless to say, after groaning about it to my parents and my closets friends I do see how this is a benefit. And after training her the other day I feel even a little triumphant - I mean, I was picked to train her not my co-workers in the department.

Now the tides have turned, our department is getting under control while D's department is blowing up so I don't think she'll be getting any of my - I mean, my department's work any time soon. For the sake of my own sanity I hope things remain calm for a bit...knock on wood. It's hell being overworked. And I can now say I am willing to accept the help when it's offered, rivalry aside.

Achy Breaky

2010-08-09T21:09:00.006-05:00

I'm having a moment...well several lately which seem to coincide with the countdown to #2's departure to Seattle for MBA/MHA program. He'll be leaving next Thursday, and I am, or thought I was pretty well prepared. And it's not like we haven't tried to not try...

There has always been a reason not to try with #2. At first it was the 6yr relationship that I walked away from, then his father (my boss), then that falling out last February (2009), then C, and now school. Ever since last summer I have been well prepared for him to attend school again, knowing it would likely be out of state. Due to that fact we - the two of us - made a conscious yet unspoken decision not to become attached. What would be the point, right?

Actually that's not as easy as it sounds. We have this unspoken disconnect which is very difficult to maintain. We've drunkenly joked about what it would be like to see each other with their friends,how we would act, who we became, not to mention actually meeting friends. This is not to say it hasn't happened before, or at least been attempted. I've met his old roommates, twice. Both times I became incoherent drunk trying desperately to keep up with them that it left #2 & I on non-speaking terms until he could forgive me. He's met a handful of my friends at a Blackhawks game but no one could make it downtown beforehand so we basically just sat in a row together not even talking.

Then there was the fight about it all, which now looking back at it I wish we never made up...

Around February of this year while watching Seinfeld when he had a relationship epiphany. You know that episode where George merges the "worlds"; the Susan and Jerry worlds?? While it didn't work out for George, #2 wanted to try it with me. Yet there was always something else going on, or my friends weren't available, or more accurately he didn't want to babysit me. Honestly.

I mean, I get it. You are about to leave in 6mos. You want to be able to freely mingle with your friends. You don't want to worry about some chick you brought that knows no one. I can't say I blame him for his line of thinking. Back in the day I can admit my guilt to that. I would purposely not invite my then boyfriend out if i knew there was a possibility of dancing going on. He just doesn't dance. Then I would feel bad that he was bored and you know the rest. It wasn't fun. And yes, it was like adult babysitting.

But I AM fun. I am the girl friend that gets along with the randoms because I am pretty random. I hang out with my friend's friends when I don't know a soul. I have yet to hear what a nuisance I am, or that I'm a wallflower. I get along just fine.

This is the exact example of how #2 & I created such a distance within our personal lives that we really don't even know each other.

I digress. So the idea of babysitting led to a fight mid April while #2 & I were out for a late dinner on a Friday night at this cute little Thai place in Roscoe Village. We were having unexpectedly good Thai when he got a call from a buddy whom he hadn't seen in a while reminding him of a friend's birthday party that night in the Loop. It was at that point when everything went sour...and fast. It was evident he wanted to cut our date short and go. And go alone. I could tell and it was outright hurtful when he admitted it. The evening ended fast with a loud fight outside the restaurant. He went storming off in one direction; me, another. It was so infuriating that I swore to myself I would not let him back into my life this time. This time was the last time he made me crave more and feel like a bother; plus it was our first outright battle.

Needless to say about a 3 days later he wrote me an email apologizing, asking to see me, blah... And here we are now, still trying not to try until he leaves next week. I have to admit I curse myself for even letting him back into my life last April, it would have been easier to let him go after a fight versus loosing him to Seattle indefinitely.

I thought I'd manage better. I was gone most of June; he, all of July. But knowing he is home, seeing him last week and knowing that I only have a few more days to be with him is breaking my heart, bringing tears to my eyes and making me feel sick to my stomach. Ever since it was determine that Seattle would be his new home I have tried to convince myself that once August came and went I could start anew; yet as the days move closer to his departure I'm realizing it won't be that simple..that his month long trip isn't holding water to the fact he isn't coming back for months on end. It did not prepare me well for what else is to come; for this.

Now I find myself thinking about him constantly, mostly curious about what could have been if we would have tried even just a little bit. What is that saying, "to have love and lost is better than not loving at all"? I guess I'm left to wonder and cry silent unspoken tears about it until he's gone.

No Baby Here...

2010-07-23T20:18:00.004-05:00

I can't say life has been amazing since I left the blogosphere. I can't say I've done anything of note or've been so busy I couldn't have dropped a line. I just was done. For a while at least. Maybe because I always thought I'd never tell my friends I blogged, so when I did and we talked about what I wrote I realized I could never be completely honest. Or maybe, I just got busy at work. I think its a combination, but mostly the later.

In the past 9 months I have successfuly NOT gotten knocked up. I haven't won the lottery, traveled the world (ok, maybe for only 12 days), gone back to school, fell in love... I have no excuses. I guess I was just sick of it. And now that I've been MIA I guess this blog is for me. And if you came back after all these months to just check, it's for you too.

Currently my thoughts are scattered. I recently made my first treck across the great Atlantic, traveled an amazing country and am left in awe. I've come back to my life with only a few who know what I've experienced, and less who know what I'm processing. On top of that, the guy (yes #2) I've been doing this silly dance with for about 2yrs is on his month long vacation now. I miss him. Or I miss our sex. I can't determine what is really real or what is contrived. I'm sad we never really tried and could be loosing out on something major just because we were scared. After Lolla he's gone for 3yrs...Seattle. Its not gone-gone but there's no use. It's perpetually on my mind.

Friends I've made over the past month are creeping up into my thoughts every day. I remember everything we've shared and know I may not be the girl that have the quips but at least we had real conversations. I am 27 for God's sake. I was specifically unnerved by one guy, Denver. He had my number. Immediately. It was exciting, nerve racking, comfortable all at the same time. I purposely avoided him at times, times where drinking & dancing were involved. There was a palpatory vibe that was scary. And he had a girl friend. And he wasn't even my type. Job-less. Car-less. Living in Denver. I regret the times I pulled back just a little. I've reached out to him since but theres really nothing to reach out to is there?

I feel lucky though. I've had such good karma, so far undeserved. I have a great family I wish I was closer too. Same can go for my friends. Yet at the exact same time I feel lonely, confused, and old. I thought that at my age - 27 - life would be figured out...meaning fiance/husband, house, career. All I have is an apartment, friends I see every couple weeks, and a job. 3 more years I suppose to "get my act together". I am jealous and envious of those who have a passion in life while I'm still drowing in possibilities. I'm hopeful I'll figure it out...because as we all know when you turn 30 THIS is your life. 3 more years...

Why is it...

2010-07-23T20:09:00.002-05:00

Why is it...
- the one night you decide to stay in there's a party in the courtyard
- you choose to drive behind the camry versus the kidnap van & they pull over for ice cream
- your mom questions why you're not married
- said mom suggests eharmony
- you think about the same person you spent 10days in Israel with...
- you think about the guy that's given you nothing for 2yrs
- you're 3/4 into a bottle of wine and its only 7:45
- you question why your friends are married, buying houses, planning babies & you're still living like you're 21
- that you feel so bad you can't pay off your credit card bill this month
- you feel friendless
- you're single
- you always feel better on Friday nights, worse on Sunday's
- you hate your best co-worker friend, when she's just moving on up
- you take pride & triumph in insignificant tasks

why is it....

AH IT'S FRANKENSTIEN! Oh, it's just you...

2009-10-22T11:15:00.005-05:00

It's official. I am old. My body just can't hang like it did back in the college days. How would I know this, I tested the theory last weekend while attending GUR/Homecoming at my alma mater Illinois State University. And the results weren't pretty. Not for anyone.

HLo & I were all set for the GUR. We had done our research which included making 10stops to find a Bloomington IL bus schedule. It cost $.25. We had our outfits: neon & black knee high socks, black tights, bright pink short-shorts, SPM t's with a neon blue long sleeved shirt under, and our last minute addition: a bubble gum pink YOUTH poncho. Top that off with braided pigtails, a hot pink 80s headband, purple eye shadow and Team Super Party Mode was set.

11am: Misty & Cold. The "grand ceremonies" kick off with a special appearance and speech by President Al Bowman. Then it was time for the 12 clues that would take us from Normal to Bloomington and back. HLo & I had a concrete plan: obtain clues, figure out clues, map course, head out. It worked at least at the beginning.

We were able to bang out the first challenge immediately: Bingo Board where you had to complete 3 tasks (across or diagonally). "Shake" with a dog - Done. Propose to stranger - Done. Find stranger in scarf/gloves - Done. Then we headed to the bus stop. Next stop Bloomington.

The bus probably took the most time - IF we were really ambitious we could have physically run to Bloomington. But we're not that ambitious. Or as we later found out, not even that athletic. We completed a square dance at a bar, ran to a bead shop to string 2 feet of beads, fed each other cupcakes, found a misspelled word at the sport dome, heaved pumpkins and piggy backed. At this point things were going well. We weren't first but we weren't last - we were right in the middle with people. Then "THE FATAL ERROR" occurred. Party due to my idea of taking a short cut, partly due to the HAIL storm, and partly due to generalized stupidity.

After the piggy back, we only had 4 tasks left and were sticking pretty much to our planned course. Or so we thought. We trucked from the piggy back location to the next spot, completed a word problem. Then moved closer to the end where we had to complete origami. 2 more spots left! We were 1/2 way there, then it was realized. We forgot to get the temporary tattoo from the tattoo shop by the piggy back location. A good MILE away from where we were. There was nothing left to do but trek back out there. In the rain. With depleted spirits.

The error probably cost us an hour. We got the tattoos, waited for the storm to pass then plugged along to the far location to take pictures with our tattoos & Reggie, then completed a board walking task. THEN we had 1/2 mile back to the finish line.

2:55pm: Finish line. Our legs are jello. We starving and have a 2mile walk back to the car. We ended up finishing 79th. So depressing....

That evening we were very slow moving to say the least. But we pulled it together for a night out college style. Needless to say the night was fun, long, and ended with $40 in Steak 'n Shake and a diabolical game of catch phrase*

Saturday was a day of tailgating. We were up early enough and got ready. Then we laid down - a fatal error. After a nap or two and some food it was 1pm. Intentions were there, but HLo was incapacitated. Literally. She needed a wheel chair. She could not walk. She hobbled a little, walked like Frankenstein. I was still napping through my hangover and by the time we were ready to do something, it merely included delivered Chinese. HLo had to sleep on the downstairs couch because she couldn't make it up the stairs to the bedroom.

Top the weekend off with a $75 speeding ticket back to the city. It was worth it - we made such good time even with the inconvenience of being pulled over!

All in all, a great weekend. Disappointing results for the GUR - I wanted top 25 to qualify for New Orleans. But GUR was worth it. I recommend it and plan to try it again next year.

*If you had it on the buzzer, your team did a shot of whiskey. Let's just say that I wasn't on a winning team. My liver thanks me.

This Busy Bee Gets Drunk & Broke

2009-10-14T11:59:00.007-05:00

Life has been busy. In the past two weeks I have been reunited with #2, participated in a birthday train pub crawl, got tanked with my dad at a Bears game, worked, and been a stellar bridesmaid.

All that in just two weeks.
I know. I can't believe it either.

And life is not slowing down. Tomorrow night I'm heading down to IlStu. Before the month is over I have a happy hour with former co-workers, a wedding, another reunion with #2, Halloween parties and yet another Bears game.

So much fun. And pretty expensive.

BUT being robbed was a good thing - my bills are down! Since I had to change all of my accounts and cancel cards I was living off cash thus no frilly purchases. My credit card bill is pretty awesome right now, just around $200. It will likely never be that low again...

Overboard

2009-10-01T13:57:00.012-05:00

#2 & I have a "date" set for tonight. Which I find out at 9am this morning. I really was hoping for Friday date so we could sleep in past 5:45am and do whateritisyoudo when you sleep in.

Due to our flurry of suggestive texts - both hinting that we needed to be somewhere close to a bed or really a place with a door we could shut for privacy (privacy see: kitchen, bathroom, closet) - I decided he should come over to my place tonight.

"Let's cook something at my place" I texted triumphantly. Right. Well after he agreed saying he'll call me after work, the light bulb finally clicked on: I have no food. I mean, I have some food but nothing to make and serve an actual guest.

I spent several "breaks" at work online looking for recipes with 5 or less ingredients (I ain't no chef) and could be thrown together within like 45min. But I didn't find one that fit my fancy. I figured I would just go to the grocery store over lunch, see what is out there and make a game time decision.

On my way out the door, I mentioned my lack of domesticity to a co-worker who recommended I keep it simple: steak & veggies. Then she pointed me in the direction of a local butcher shop which has great cuts of meat and some ready-made things. It would make me look like a good cook and really, who hates steak*?

My first visit to a butcher shop without my mom. I did it. And I did it a big. And with a lot of help from the friendly butcher behind the counter.

I mentally planned the meal within one walk through then sought the help behind the counter. I ended up walking out with the following:

- 2 NY strip steaks
- 4 stuffed mushrooms
- 2 twice baked potatoes
- 1/2# asparagus
- 2 stuffed chicken breasts** (1 Florentine, 1 regular stuffing)

All for the low, low cost of around $45. Then I realized I didn't have any wine in the house. I usually do, but with the burglary I been spending minimal time at the apartment thus not needing to shop for booze - I mean, groceries. I got 2 bottles of wine and cookies at the grocery store. Done & done. And I felt great. I planned a meal that I'm going to cook for a guest. And its all really great food. Or at least it has the potential to be a really great meal.

And then it hit me. This is like a fancy meal. Like a meal you have with someone you're serious with. Someone you're actually dating for real, not for sex. And now I'm freaking out. Because I don't want him to freak out when he comes over. Like I planned this for him and am going to profess my love or something. I mean, I'm not going to be lighting any candles. So now the purchasing high is gone and I'm stressing about what I'm going to tell #2 when he calls. I didn't even confer with him what he actually wanted to eat, or what time we're going to get together. I just went out and did.

Here are the options of how to explain my crazy grocery purchasing behavior:

1) Temporary insanity
2) Given to me from my mom last week
3) Drug to store earlier in week by co-worker, bought things that I thought I'd like
4) In the mood for steak, decided to pick some up
5) Deny, deny, deny & then suggest we order in or go out

I am actually leaning towards the second option. Or the third one.

Aside from all of that, I had no idea that we would be hanging out tonight. And although I'm showered, I am not necessarily um, ready, for his visit. Let's just say that I have a lot of maintenance to do when I get home tonight. I'm sure I'll be rushing around because as I look out my window now, I see the start to the projected 3day rain storm. The commute should be stellar. Great.

Plus I don't know what to wear. As we all know, this girl is not feeling her sexiest. Fattest, yes. Sexy, no. This burglary has been a huge thorn in my side. I was going to go to the flirty kitty to pick up a little diddy for #2's return. But since my life was so inconveniently interrupted, I am only living off cash. So being a lazy ATM whore did not yield well to my desire to actually parking and walking into the bank. Thus the FK got scratched.

Prior to the burglary I did seem to spend over $100 on new undies so I'm sure I can piece something together. I just have to remember #2's fondness for pig tails...

Yea, he's really creative.

*I actually know and am good friends with steak-haters. I just don't understand it is all.
**These are either for me to be frozen/cooked at a later date OR to give the option to #2 if he doesn't want steak. Which I wouldn't understand at all.

hollywood got it right and i'm totally lame

2009-09-30T11:44:00.006-05:00

Movies. We've all seen them. We flock to the theaters or video store or just flip on HBO to watch. There are a ton of genres too. Romance. Drama. Horror. And Thriller.

The "thriller" plot is generally the same. Enter picturesque scene, see normal life of handsome John Doe, then switch to see the normal life of the beautiful Jane somethingorother. Then...
wait for it...

BAM!

Some type of event or trauma happens to stir things up. Then somehow John and Jane meet working through indestructible odds to correct said crisis, and...OMG, can you believe it?!? They end up falling in love or sexing (or both?) at the end. It has the key components: excitement & sex. You gotta love that. Speed is the good example...and by all means, not the only one.

My mind keeps traveling back to this: trauma brings people together who seemingly would under any type of normal circumstance probably loathe the other or just simply, not give a second look. Perhaps its after being a "survivor" of what they endured, natural selection kicks in and you want to procreate with that other survivor. Well, procreate or just have hot steamy protected sex with them. Either or. I'll take the later.

Since 2weeks ago Thursday when I walked into my apartment to find it broken into / burglarized, I have had this intense urge to have some male companionship. Really, companionship. Not just the sex but everything else that goes along with it. Yes, I have my family & friends that have been sending their love and support through this ordeal* but I've been yearning for that different kind of love. The strong protector type support that can just make you feel comforted, forget, take the edge off.

Last week I was getting all desperate. And I might have been a little drunk one or two nights when I fumbled with the idea of calling my ex to tell him just to get his reaction. That would quickly switch to wanting C - the guy who I haven't heard from (nor called myself) in over a month - to be with me. I was in an "i-need-a-boy-because-i-experienced-something-traumatic" moment - well, moments because these thoughts occurred a lot more than once.

I have to say the only thing getting me through it - without any embarrassing drunk dials or pity dates/sex - was my internal countdown for #2's return from his trip. And he returned on Saturday. And I actually heard from him yesterday.

Texting during the day, then a short conversation last night. I am extremely overjoyed that he is home. More excited that we'll be hanging out this week sometime - tbd - especially since I thought I wouldn't hear from him for another week or so. I just can't wait to see him, hug him, kiss him, to tell him my sad story and be comforted by him.

LAME.

And TOTALLY not how our relationship is. Maybe these Hollywood endings are attacking my subconscious because #2 & I just have fun. Fun drinking. Fun sex. Fun. I actually don't even think we've ever hugged. He's just the one night stand that has lasted.

I am over romanticizing everything right now but at least I know it. And I'll keep the daydreams to myself. Let the proverbial bubble pop when we meet up later this week. But for now, I'll keep those imaginary hugs going...

* I really couldn't have gotten through the past 2weeks without them

Weigh-In Tuesday - Week 3

2009-09-29T09:30:00.007-05:00

9/29/09, Week 3, 149.0lbs

HOLY SHIT

Holy Shit - like this guys back "holy shit".

Unbelievable but staring you right back in the eye proving its for real

This is what I'm talking about. That number - or the combinations of numbers - is ATROCIOUS. THIS is the number that scared me all those weeks back. THIS number is again ruining my life.

Well, I did pretty great last week with physical exercise - 6/7 days. You can't beat that. And it wasn't pussy-footing exercise, it was hard cardio where I pushed myself every day. And now my foot hurts. AND per my google diagnosis means I have a stress fracture. Or not.

The problem: food intake. Its a fricken orgy of food when I return to my parent's house (where I was all weekend long, starting on Thursday night with a plate of NACHOS for dinner. Nachos people). I'm talking cookies, cupcakes, pizza rolls, candy bars, ice cream... You get the idea. Basically I have no self control and spent the weekend blissfully eating my way through it. I have now deemed returning to my parent's as the Vortex of Evil. Meaning - I eat the crap out of that house.

Plus I had a friend date this weekend which ended with an ice cream sundae that includes FIVE scoops of ice cream. We did not share. We each got our own. And I killed it. Thankyouverymuch.

I make poor choices. I get caught up in the moment. And if I'm bored I may go snooping in the kitchen at my parents' house. I totally threw out the idea of keeping the food journal up to date. It was too much food to even write down! Ugh. I have yet to start up the journals again too.

So its not too late to jump back on the diet wagon, right? Hope not because I'm starting over (again) today. I'll just chalk everything up to the burglary. Then I look ahead at my schedule and I have plans every weekend that includes massive amount of food and drinks until November. And that's only for a week break before things get busy again (holidays, BEARS GAMES, etc). I have to learn how to make things work for me. How to not get caught up in the menus so I can make proper choices.

Here's to a better week...

OH I totally forgot - I did take my measurements today too. But I forgot them at home. I'll report that next week. Perhaps there will be a change in them from this week to next Tuesday. That is encouraging...

GUR

2009-09-28T14:40:00.005-05:00

No, I'm not growling at you. I'm just SUPER pumped for joining in on the Great Urban Race this year!

Every month, or quarterly - or gosh knows when - I get the alumni magazine from my alma-mater Illinois State University. And it was only recently that an article actually grabbed my attention enough to make me do something about it. The GUR seems right up my alley - physical/mental challenges in a fun environment. Yes please. This is something that I could actually do and have fun with. I mean, anything that mentions matching costumes, I'm in. No questions asked. Plus it was a bonus that ISU/Normal, IL would be hosting it in October the same weekend as homecoming. Coincidence? I think not. It probably helps that the creator was an ISU alum...

SO I mass emailed all of my friends - who all (or most) attended ISU as well. But I only got 1 bite. HLo. Reliable. Dependable. HLo. We are on a mission to make our team shirts and it has turned out to be more difficult than expected. Who knew that t-shirt making stores were closed on Sundays. Its not 1915 anymore folks. Open those doors. Embrace the 21st (or is it 22nd?) Century. The idea to create our own crossed our minds as well - but those shirts never last. 2 washes MAYBE. Team Super Party Mode will try again tomorrow night to make our outfits. We're shooting for a 80's Video Game-acid washed jeans-Madonna-leg warmers-throwback type of look.

Think Punky Brewster goes neon.

Weigh-In Tuesday - Week 2

2009-09-22T07:20:00.004-05:00

9/22/09, Week 2, 145.0lbs

I started off really strong this past week. I decided to keep a food and exercise journal. I'm not counting calories - simply because I don't have the patience - I just want to know what I am eating. I have noticed that the journal does help me think about what I am eating. Or it did, until Thursday night.

After work on Thursday I had a great work out, then met L at my apartment, showered & headed out to a friend's for some dine-in Chinese and Project Runway. We got back to the apartment at 10:30 to find that it was broken into, and my beautiful 40" LCD HDTV was gone, along with my laptop, Wii and all of my jewelry. They entered through my bedroom window where the window AC unit was...its now smashed sitting on the back enclosed porch.

It was shocking and scary and I am very glad that L was with me that night. And that we weren't home. And that we didn't walk in on "them". Needless to say Thursday was a long night. As was Friday and Saturday. And Sunday.

I spent the weekend closing accounts and opening new ones, making claims, crying and eating. Comfort food, right? Well who knows what I ended up putting in my mouth - the entire weekend is a blur. I never laced up my sneakers for a run or the gym either. I was content just hanging out at my parents' house, being pampered with food.

Yesterday, minus the 2 chocolate chip cookies I had, was my day of jumping back on the wagon. I ate healthier. I forced myself to the gym. I want to feel as good as I was this time last week. I also started up the journal again. I think it will help. And I should be back on track soon. Plus a 1# gain is much better than what I expected...

Anywho, this week should be pretty active. I ran yesterday, today is a weight class, tomorrow is that crazy cardio kickboxing class I'm in lurve with. I'll be going back to the parent's house this weekend too, but I already checked the gym's class schedule and picked out several classes to take on Friday and Saturday. Sunday I'm registered to run a 5k - my first in YEARS. I used to not get enough of these runs, and although I'm coming in to the season very late (since its almost over) it is a goal to not let the 5k's escape me in the future.

In addition to the weigh-ins, I'm toying with the idea of taking my measurements too. I just don't want to get too crazed about the numbers on the scale. We'll see if I take the opporutnity to to that today.

Forcible Entry

2009-09-19T11:07:00.004-05:00

"I was going to make a cocktail, but I thought that would be in bad form," I said to him, then turned back to making my list of things to do.

"You should have. Its been a long night. It should be the first thing on your list," he said with a hint of a smile in his eyes.

The detective turned back to my entertainment center, dusting for the fingerprints that he would never find. I looked up, sighed heavily, and thought just another victim, and wrote that on my list.

Weigh-In Tuesday - Week 1

2009-09-15T16:03:00.004-05:00

So this is going to be my new segment - forgive me for lack of better term. In an effort to not get any fatter I am going to do weekly weigh-ins for 1 month starting today. And I will give an update on what I'm doing or planning on doing, or did not do to help myself along. I'm hoping that it will make me feel more accountable for what I put in my mouth, versus keeping it all a dirty little secrety to myself. No lying allowed.

Ok here goes:

9/15/09, Week 1, 144lbs.

After the first rounds of weddings I was ampted to start back up on the healthy lifestyle. Plus gaining the 10lbs since May really pissed me off. So I actually kicked off this little game on Friday 9/11. I went grocery shopping for fresh produce and PLANNED MEALS IN ADVANCE. And little to no carbs for 2weeks at least.

After a $140 bill - yea I'm just one person - I brought my goodies home and set aside time to cook meals in advance. Essentially, to make my own frozen dinner options. My thinking is this: I won't use hunger as an excuse to skip the gym in the evenings. I will have my food ready, I just have to take it out of the freezer in the morning & let it defrost in the fridge then heat it up. It will cut cooking time down by like 75% and I can still get out the door by 6:30 for the gym.

On Friday I made: ground turkey breast meatballs, stuffed peppers with some of the said turkey mix, 3 chicken breasts, and roasted veggies. Individually packed it all & stuck it in the freezer.

On Monday I decided to have chicken & veggies for a stir fry before going to a class at the gym at 7pm. On Monday I got annoyed with the traffic, which makes me think I'm hungry, and ate a snack of cereal, string cheese, and a can of soda. Then after 15min ate the stir fry and watched tv. Never once getting off the couch until bed time. I can't even stick to the plan for the first day.

BUT today is a new day. I have set aside salmon & will make brocolli. Then I have a class at the gym at 6:30pm where my gym buddy A will be meeting me. Having someone else that is expecting me there will be a big help of getting off the couch and getting moving.

Fingers Crossed....

The One Where I'm Exhausted & That Proves "The Sandlot" Rules

2009-09-10T12:49:00.013-05:00

Non-stop action. x 7day vacation in the 'burbs. + 1 holiday. + 1 wedding. +1 concert. I. Am. Beat.

Wedding season is in full swing. Last Thursday was Rose's wedding rehearsal / dinner. And it was pretty good way to start off my holiday weekend. It was a beautiful introduction to where they would later get married; the grounds were simply gorgeous. Rose is now married to a great guy whom we've all known FOR-EV-ER (said in The Sandlot voice courtesy of "Squints" of course).

Actually our entire group of friends has remained pretty consistent since high school. We've added and deleted a few people but the majority of us are still close. So as you can imagine it was the coming together of everyone once again. Which of course leads to excessive drinking. Well, in my case at least. After we were all practiced up, it was off to an Italian restaurant for endless cups of wine. Literally. And seriously. The waitress would continually walk around re-filling regardless if you had a full, half or empty glass. Actually, I highly doubt there were any empty glasses on the table. Ever. Blah blah blah. I got my first piece of real diamond jewelry ever. Blah blah blah. I drove to the parents' and almost peed my pants trying to get in the house. Its like Fort Knox in there.

I was not hungover and actually made it to the gym on Friday then ran my pre-wedding errands before heading out to get my sushi on with a couple of the girls. Caught up with Rad who flew in from FL for Rose's pending nuptials. Dinner turned into drinks turned into stuffing my face with one of those 1/2 cooked cookie skillets. Right. I didn't have to fit in a dress the next day....

I was ambitious, kinda. I woke up extra early to get in a quick workout. But I only lasted about 20min then called it quits. Exercise tapes in a hot muggy basement at 6am are not fun. Do not attempt at home. It was Saturday, the day of the wedding. An early start time for hair & make up. Then pictures at the hotel before the ceremony. It couldn't have been a more beautiful day - sunny but not blazing hot. And Rose looked extraordinaire. After the ceremony it was off to bustle Rose's dress. Now, Rose emailed us a wedding day itinerary, see below:

Hair & Makeup: 8:15am – 12:30pm
Drive to Hyatt: 12:30 – 1:15
Check in: 1:15 – 1:45
Get dressed and ready for pictures: 1:45 – 2:45
Pictures: 3:00 – 4:30
Touch up: 4:30 – 4:45
Ceremony: 5:00 – 5:30ish
Do Bustle: 5:30ish – 5:45 (u all probably think I am kidding,
but there are like 100 strings that need to be tied…you can blame my mom for
telling me to keep that stupid train!)
Cocktail hour: 6:00 – 7:00
Dinner and all that jazz: 7:00 – 9:00
Dance/Drink: 9:00 – 1am
After Party

DO BUSTLE: 5:30 - 5:45 pm. Its there. Listed. Yet none of us knew what we were getting ourselves into. She was not joking. There had to be over 100 strings & loops that needed to be tied. And it took just about 20minutes. With 8 of us working on it. Including Rose's mom. But in the end it looked great. Or we just told her that* to get things moving...

Cocktail hour. My favorite. And the food was scrumptious. The vodka was flowing. As a lucky participant & guest to this wedding, I was able to be treated to all top shelf liquor. It was decided days before that we would "toast" after dinner with shots of Patron. Which I found out did actually occur. There was photographic evidence. And I was definitely there partaking. Oops.

Beginning of Cocktail hour / Pre-Patron

Basically, what I have learned is that I can only have beer for S's wedding in October. Otherwise I might get escorted out. And I'm sure S will not be as forgiving as Rose** (and Big Dog***) to my crazy drunk antics / memory loss.

I did wake up in my hotel room bed, cuddling against Prass. Prass is just another friend, whose a girl. There were 4 of us jammed in a room. Apparently I like to spoon. Sorry Prass. Breakfast at the hotel at 10a, where I piled on my plate enough bacon that I actually got meat sweats later. At the time it seemed like a good idea. Then I managed to make it back to the parents' where I crashed for 6hrs then forced myself into the shower and to L's for a post-nuptial bbq. I brought potato salad.****

A glass of wine got me over the hump but it was back to water (lame, I know) while I ate everyone out of house & home. 2 hot dogs please. Oh, you have chips & taco dip. What's that smores?

Now for another Sandlot moment:

Ham Porter: Hey, Smalls, you wanna s'more?

Smalls: Some more of what?

Ham Porter: No, do you wanna s'more?

Smalls: I haven't had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?

Ham Porter: You're killing me Smalls! These are s'more's stuff! Alrite now pay attention. First you take the graham, you stick the chocolate on the graham. Then you roast the 'mallow. When the 'mallows flaming... you stick it on the chocolate. Then cover with the other end. Then you scarf. Kind of messy, but good!

Ok, where was I. So Monday my dad & I had box seats for the Sox v. Red Sox game. Unlimited beer & food. Plus we won 5-1. Then later back in the 'burbs, my mom & aunt were on the hunt for Red October. Not really. But we were on the hunt for sushi. We drove around the damn suburbs for like 2 hours to find any sushi place that would be open. It was nuts. And I was getting crabby/tired/hangry*****/whateveryouwanttocallit.

Tuesday was work. Busy. Then I was finally able to head back to my glorious apartment. Oh and get ready for my sex date with #2 that we set up last week. It was super chill. Comfy clothes. Wine. Pizza. Sex. Plus we had a chance to catch up and say our goodbyes before he heads out to Europe for a 2 week vacation. That asshole - I mean - I hope he has fun.

And last night. Last night was the BritBrit concert. My sister was able to score me & my friends some free tickets. Free AWESOME SEAT TICKETS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STAGE LIKE 7 ROWS BACK AND OMG THERE WAS SOMEONE WITHOUT ANY LEGS ON A TRAMPOLINE. WITHOUT ANY LEGS. ON A TRAMPOLINE. And I signed a confidentiality agreement in order to get my Guest Pass. So I can not confirm what or whom I did or did not see.

So tonight. Tonight is the glorious night of having absolutely no plans. Nothing. Zip. Nada. I even decided to boycott the gym. I will be able to go home. Rest. Relax. Read. Eat. And sleep in my own god damn bed. Finally. No work tomorrow. So I booked it as my "its time to get my act together day", which includes, but is not limited to: laundry, gym/biking, sunning (if possible), grocery shopping (its time to detox - food & drink wise. No fun, I know), and cleaning.

IT'S BRITNEY BITCH.

Enjoy your weekend.

*Rose, I'm kidding. It seriously did look fantastic & having the train with the dress was definitely worth it.

**Um, I apparently tackled Rose at the bar during the reception. Both of us falling towards the ground. According to Hanes, I did have good form. Just like Urlacher. My dad would be so proud.

1) I think that is how we landed, but perhaps without the bitch slap motion at the end.
2) Urlacher is kicking Michael Vick's ass in this picture which makes me happy - damn dog hater
3) Bears kick off on Sunday against the Packs - Hell yes, it's football season!

***Right, well let's just say that I was the life of the party. And the wedding video proves it.

****That I instructed (or asked) my mom to make on Saturday. Because potato salad just tastes better when its made the day before.

*****Hangry: To be so hungry that you get angry. Hence, "Hangry"

The Candy Man Can

2009-09-03T11:23:00.008-05:00

Ah, the glorious melody from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory plays in my head. I love candy. I have developed a sweet tooth. And as explained in my previous post, I am trying to curb that devil tooth into craving broccoli versus anything covered in chocolate or in cookie form.

This week I have actually been good. I have been eating healthier (minus the handful of Swedish Fish) and had an amazing workout* at the gym last night. So today in celebration I decided I would treat myself to a single serving size of peanut M&Ms from the vending machine. I mean, I deserve it, right? I probably burned 700+ calories last night and I have been working my tail off this week - coming in early & taking time off my lunches.

The moment of anticipation mounted as I waited until after 10am to get my special treat. I pulled a crisp dollar bill from my wallet, hopped in the elevator and made my way to the vending machine. Only to find out that the price of my beloved was now 95cents - GASP! My reaction was mixed - was this His way of telling me to skip the treat? How could the vending machine people have the audacity to raise the cost - its like amusement type prices up in this bitch! But after all of my griping, my practical side did succumb to the devil tooth. I did have an entire dollar so I could afford it.

That didn't stop me from bitching about it to my co-workers. I told anyone that would listen. And when I finally got to Dani her response floored me:

"Yea, its due to the candy tax"

"Ex-squeeze me?!? First the smokers & now the fat people." I remarked in disbelief.

She - someone that actually pays attention to State affairs - knew about this bill that Governor Pat Quinn signed enacting a tax on candy effective September 1. Although I believed her, I still looked it up. Google produced 2.1 million articles on it - granted I bet only the first couple hundred are written about Illinois but still. That is a lot of mutha-fecking articles. Here, read for one for yourself. It is the most bizarre law - candy as actual food? WTF. I'll have to check the packaging on Skittles & Swedish Fish to see if they have any flour in it to avert this new tax. Or I could just stop eating candy altogether. I'll plan on the later but I doubt that will last.

Also you'll find that not only is the tax on candy, its on something much more important. Beer. Again, alcohol gets the brunt of the state-wide financial crisis. In addition to beer & candy: hair products. Totally random.

Illinois is not the only state in the Union that is having financial difficulties. We are in red. WAY in the red. There is no money for the public schools, transportation or service. No. Money. Period. Yet, the Mayor is more than content to get the Olympics in Chicago. Although this is a totally different topic of conversation/debate, I will put my two-cents in. Feel free to disagree, but I find it horrifying that in the midst of our financial crisis we are trying to obtain an extremely costly world event. An event, that unlike other countries up for the bid, the citizens will have to pay versus the government backing the costs. This cost will fall onto the shoulders of the native Chicagoans to pay through taxes. Ok, I've said my peace.

Anywho, what the Mayor should be doing is building a casino on the lake - tax the hell out of that, leave my beer & candy alone.

*I took a new class at the gym: Cardio Kickboxing. It was unlike any kickboxing class I had been in before. I can not wait to wear my heart rate monitor to see how many calories I actually burn!

Steady Incline

2009-08-31T15:16:00.004-05:00

5:30am. Post pee. Pre shower. There it was, sitting in the corner of the bathroom. Black . Shiny. Staring me down. Tempting me to step on and see the results. The results of living, eating and boozing in Chicago for the past 4 months. I got up the courage, clicked it on with my toe and took the step.

One small step for men, a giant leap for women.

They say the scale doesn't lie. And, to my dismay, I'm pretty sure that the fancy do-dad one at my parents' house doesn't either. Needless to say, it wasn't what I wanted to see on an early Monday morning. The three numbers that glared at me in neon blue were not the three numbers I have become accustomed to. Nor were they any three numbers that I have seen together from the scale in...never. I am at my heaviest. My heaviest ever.

Although the number on the scale shocked me, I can't say that I'm really all that shocked that I've gained weight. I have noticed things getting "soft". My jeans, a little tighter. My swim suit bottoms, providing a little less coverage. My boobs, totally swollen and huge (perhaps there is a perk!). I just didn't realize HOW MUCH weight. We're looking at about 8lbs since I've moved. And I know why (don't we all?!?): I've slacked both with food & the gym. And I gave myself excuses to not feel bad for it. Well, at least excuses during the moment of consumption.

i live in denial. I know that eating cookies is not a good thing. But I tell myself that I can have one - or three* - because I never get the opportunity eat cookies. Or I'll go out to lunch and instead of getting a salad, I have to get my favorite dish - because I never get to go to [insert restaurant] so I have to get my favorite meal. Or I'll eat the fries - because (you guessed it), I never get to have the fries.

Sad face.

The truth of the matter is this: crap food surrounds me at work. And if by some chance it isn't around, I got into a bad habit of hitting up the vending machine. And since I don't buy sweets or chips for the apartment the cravings tend to be 10x worse when I'm out and about. Perhaps that fuels the "but I never" mentality.

Oh but there are others too, the "day is shot, so I might as well continue the gluten train" mentality, or the "I have plans (dinner/drinks) later so I might as well start now", or the "its the weekend" mentality.** Whatever fits my mood that day really.

In addition to all of that - she types as she waves her arms around in silent disgust - I have also convinced myself that I haven't had a chance to establish a good workout routine. Granted it took me 2 months to actually get a gym membership [insert moving excuse here]. Then, when I finally did, I worked out several days a week for 2weeks. Then I started to work out a couple of days every two weeks. And its gone down since then.

The most shocking thing of all is that when I finally make it to the gym, and its all said and done, I.LOVE.IT. I love it. I get energized and plan out the rest of my week around the gym.

But, I am very good at convincing myself to not make it to the gym. Its not my fault that I don't have a stable gym buddy [excuse]. And that I'm not used to my new gym's layout [excuse]. And that it rains [excuse]. Or its sunny [excuse]. Or that the commute makes me crabby [excuse]. Or that I don't have cute work out clothes [excuse]. And my gym shoes are old [excuse]. Or that I'm hungry, tired, want to watch TV [excuse, excuse, excuse].

Apparently, I've just been a whiny bitch about it for the past 4 months.

I've been trying - loosely - to turn it around. The plan now is to actually try. I'm usually a pretty fit and sensible eater. I need to get back to that. Fast.

Luckily the bridesmaid dress for the wedding this weekend still fits.

Unluckily I will be surrounded by delicious food and cocktails. Not to mention its a holiday weekend.

I think I'll start trying next Tuesday.

[EXCUSE]***

*Confession: The 3 cookies are more like 5 some days
**That one is a killer
***And probably one I'll stick to this week

365

2009-08-25T11:47:00.003-05:00

It dawned on me on my drive into work this morning that it has been a year since things ended with the ex. An entire year. 365 days. Holidays. Weddings. Births. Vacations. Moving. All done on my own. Without him. And I survived.

[Insert Pat-On-The-Back Here]

In retrospect the ex and I had a great relationship. We got along really well. We had fun adventures. Went on a lot of vacations. Attended dozens of concerts per year. It was fun. Easy. We never fought - not once that I can remember. But on the other hand our relationship slowly slipped into friendship only. By the time things were ended, we were having sex maybe once per month and barely kissing or touching sensually. The months leading up to the break I'd try to convince myself that the lack of the physical stuff was because we were both living at home and had no where to comfortably do what we wanted. I could no longer handle sexing in back seats of cars, or forest preserves, or parks any more. It was mundane. Annoying.

The break-up was not a surprise. I feel as if we both were ready for it. He was just the one to pull the trigger. I had considered doing it myself several times last summer. But there was always something holding me back. A wedding. A birthday. A holiday. A vacation. I would think "well I would break up with him, but now is not the time...my birthday is next week" or "its BABs wedding" or "we're going on vacation". You get the picture. It was always "the next week" when I would address it.

Don't get me wrong, it was sad. I cried on his parent's couch when we called it quits. I cried that night. And I have cried on occasion since. But it isn't the "woe is me" crying. It has been tears for what used to be. We were mostly happy, even if we knew the end was near. The week after the break up I was relieved. I felt like a weight had been taken off my chest and I could breath again. It was the right thing for the both of us. Then and now.

365 days of singlehood. 365 days of rediscovery. 365 days of me.

Oh how the time flies...

FALLing

2009-08-24T10:26:00.009-05:00

A typical Chicago summer: hot, sticky and a muggy mess. Usually. Luckily (or unluckily - ?) for us this year global warming, or the shifting of the seasons, or whateveryouwanttocallit has given us a mostly pleasant - albeit at times a relatively cool and rainy - summer. We just hit 90degrees a couple of weeks ago for the first time this summer that included the dreaded heat index of 100degrees+. For the first time. In August. Granted this only lasted 2days before the weather plummeted (ok, it wasn't that dramatic) to a mere 75degrees again.

All I was looking forward to last week was a nice afternoon at the beach on Saturday. I checked the forecast daily, hourly at times, just to be sure I would be getting the sun I so craved. At the beginning of the week it was a projected sunny, 76degrees. Then on Thursday it was supposed to be sunny 70degrees. Still doable. If it is really sunny.

Since I'm sin-Internet at the apartment now, I decided to risk a visit to the beach Saturday. I was up early and the sun was out. I pulled on my swim suit, loaded up my back pack and jumped on my bike. The ride was fantastic. It was warm. Sunny. And city seemed to have a sparkle to it. It was clear skies with beautiful sailboats sprinkled across the glimmering blue lake.

After a little exercise riding the LSD bike path, I found my way to North Avenue beach. Locked up the old stallion then made my way onto the sand. I was all set up: shoes & cover up off, towel out, book in hand, iPod set to Eric Clapton Unplugged. Then the sun disappeared. And the breeze kicked into high gear. It was 11:15am.

I looked around. The beach wasn't empty but it wasn't littered with people either. There were girls in their bikinis. Guys in only their swim trunks. I wasn't the only one out there. As I laid there, unable to concentrate on my book - due to my convulsions from the cold - I watched the sky. Dark heavy clouds sat over the lake and outstretched past the once beautiful skyline. The buildings looked dark and ominous. The lake no longer held its sparkle. It became frigid and uninviting. It was 11:30am.

I flipped onto my stomach in an attempt to settle back into my book. To keep my eyes off the sky. A silent prayer in my heart for sun. If only there was sun I could take the cold breeze that kick up from the lake. Goose bumps covered my arms and legs. The shivers became more frequent. Groups of girls were throwing in the towel and leaving. I shifted my gaze up. The sky had not changed for the better. It was darker, spreading its reach even further. It was 12noon.

I was done. The cold. The possibility of rain. The idea of a 20min bike ride back to my apartment and warmth got the best of me. I packed up. Jumped on the bike and headed home. I rode past several signs which stated the time and temp. 65degrees. At 12noon. In the summer. The entire 6mile ride didn't even shake the chills out of my system. It took a hot shower to turn my lips back to its rosy color versus the blue that had settled in.

The weather never became the sunny skies that was promised. The summer weather that I am craving has been infrequent - or at least not falling on my days off. I can take a page from the past several years and expect that summer weather - the 90s & 100s that I'm craving now - to come in September and October.

October has become notoriously and record breakingly hot. And sticky. And a muggy mess. Anyone that has run the Chicago Marathon can attest to this. But by then I'm ready for the beautiful fall weather. Comfortable. Cool. With the skyline ablaze with reds, oranges, and yellows. I love the changing seasons - Fall being my favorite. This weekend was just a reminder of how the seasons have changed or shifted or whateveryouwanttocallit. Is it too much to ask that summer remain summer, and fall remain fall? I suppose so...

Momma Didn't Raise No Fool

2009-08-21T12:17:00.011-05:00

Over the past month I have had my fair share of opportunity to think. Imagine what one person could get done during a male dry spell! Really, its amazing. Although I have no actual hard set goals - mine remain soft and fluffy, likely to be molded into something new again - I did elude to the fact that I have made several revelations on what I want. And I have. Kinda-sorta. And most of it is shallow. So don't hate. In no particular order, here are the things that I have decided on or realized.

I am ready for a boyfriend. Yes. An actual real life boyfriend! One that wants to hang out with regularity. And meet my friends. And go out on dates on Friday nights. And celebrate birthdays and holidays with. Yes, that kind of boyfriend. On the same token I'm not in any rush. You won't see me running to set up a profile on Match.com or Craig's List (ew!) any time soon. I figure it will happen when it happens.

I am not ready to stop hanging out with #2 & C. At least not yet. You might think that is contradictory to the above but really, its not. I'm in no particular rush to have a boyfriend and I am perfectly happy being single (minus the occasional instances when I self-pity and loathe it. Give me a break, its wedding season after all). I just know that I am ready - able - capable - to have a boyfriend or something more serious. But momma didn't raise no fool. I know where my bread is buttered so until Mr. Boyfriend comes around I'll keep with Plan B & Plan C for a bit longer.

I am dangerously coming close to falling for C. Yea. Again, contradictory to above statement, right? Totally. However, in my defense I have also realized that I will no longer initiate contact with him. At least for a while. S has heard this multiple times per week for the past several weeks but I'm really trying. But its hard since I like him. And I know he likes me. And besides all the b.s. he is exactly like a boyfriend when we hang out. Which is confusing. So I will be weaning myself off him, at least on my end. A little hard to get never hurt.

I need to start running. Again. But become better than I was at it before. I have found the gorgeous people. They flock to LSD after work to run. The men with their shirts off and 6-packs rippling. The ladies with virtuously no body fat. I used to be more - how should I put this - firm (I guess). Now I'm pretty soft and fluffy. This week I have attempted to get back into the swing of things. And it almost worked. Thank God for OnDemand Exercise channel. I think I'll be back in a routine by next week.

I eat too much. Its because I'm bored. I'm bored at work. The claims just aren't coming in. Since I do worker's compensation the economy is having a direct effect on my job too. Less workers = less accidents. Lay offs = less reporting of accidents. Things have been very slow. I completed a "special project" and even visited a client to discuss a particular claim. So I eat. This place is chock-full of free stuff. And I tend to take walks to the local Starbucks for my 3pm cookie. Thankfully that has stopped. But I am eating Swedish Fish like its going out of style. Then when I go home, after dinner there is nothing left to do. So I'll snack. Or drink a beer solo. Again, this week I've been trying to curb those bad habits so hopefully they are kicked by next week.

I think that is the majority of things that have been spinning around this noggin of mine. Now I am ready for the weekend. SO ready. I have worked 4 Fridays in a row! I know, I'm complaining about virtually nothing in most people's eyes. But at this company we only work every other Friday (we work really long hours to make up that time for our off Friday). My entire routine, with work & at home, is so scewed that I feel like I'm drowning in a never ending Groundhog's Day. Luckily I just worked my last Friday for three weeks. For three glorious weeks I can kick back on Fridays! Oh I am so excited. I feel like this work rut will finally work itself out and I'll be on the straightened arrow. And saner. And happier in the office. And happier at home.

Tootles!

The McRib is Back! Or Rather, I am

2009-08-20T16:20:00.004-05:00

Whoa its been about a month since my last post. And I haven’t even entered the blogosphere since. Until today. The reasoning for not blogging is beyond me. I forgot. I got busy. I lost my free Internet connection. I became boring.

That’s right. I did. For some reason my life has taken a major turn for the boring. At least during the weekdays. Which is exactly when I was doing most of my blogging. I have no salacious details to tell. No events that I attended. Nothing boy worthy at least. I’ve been a bore. Working. Eating. Drinking with friends on the weekend.

Here is the update:

ON C
We’ve hung out several times the past month – maybe like 4. We haven’t really spoken about our current relationship status – if 20 something even do that anymore, I’m not even sure. He had a birthday. Which did not include me in any of the celebrations. He had plans with other friends. Boys only. I did give him the best gift ever though. And no, it wasn’t sex (although we did have sex). The movie “The Dark Crystal” and matzo brittle. Which HE LOVED. C just seems to be trying to move up the ladder at work so he is putting that on pretty thick with me. I get it. You don’t want a girlfriend. You apparently don’t have time. Well don’t come crying to me about how much you like me at 2am you flipping booty call a-hole. Ok, he’s not. But there was about a 3wk stint where he would be no contact then 2am calls after bar close. I never answered. Booty calls are tacky.

On #2
Well. I’m still not sure what went down at the Billy Joel/Elton concert. But I heard from him about 2wks ago. We went out last week for dinner and picked up back where we were. He actually is taking the G-MAT over Labor Day weekend then jetting off to Europe for a 2wk vacation so I probably won’t hear from him for another month or so. Which is fine. #2 is the like the reoccurring rebound guy. He’s fun. He pays. Good in bed. No strings attached.

On Logan
I mentioned him I think once. We went out after a drunken meeting several weeks back. It was a good time but nothing I was excited about. However I think I made quite the impression on him. He has been trying really hard to hang out but I just haven’t been able to make it work. And I have to admit I really didn’t put much effort into it. I think he got the hint. Finally.

On Weddings
Things are ramping up for the weddings! Rose is getting married in about 2weeks and S just had her bachelorette party last weekend. I picked up both of my bridesmaid dresses which shockingly do not have to be altered! It’s a financial miracle. And as a co-party planner for S’s party I am happy to say that it went swimmingly! A trolley pub crawl starting at our 2 bedroom suite in downtown Chicago & ending up at a 80s hole in the wall bar at 2am was like bachelorette party heaven. Even though I dropped a case of beer earlier in the evening, things worked out just fine. The wedding invites have come in and gone out. I’m flying solo to both. No need to bring a guy because 1) I don’t have one to bring, 2) I’m in the wedding so I don’t really need one. This year there are more people engaged or married so I will likely be the only one (with HLo at least) standing on the dance floor for the bouquet toss. But hey! The bright side is that I can do what I want. Fingers crossed for single 20somethings!

So that is the mini update. Work has been slow so I will write tomorrow too. I have had quite a few revelations the past month which I guess I could share. Or not. or maybe I’ll get an invite to hang out tonight which could lead to saucy shenanigans!

A dose of LSD

2009-07-25T09:02:00.003-05:00

I finally did it. Everything lined up for this, it was my #1 goal for this summer. Yesterday, I finally rode my bike along LSD - Lake Shore Drive. I was off work, on a day without rain for once. So I took advantage. Of course after buying groceries (I had been without fresh food for 2weeks!).

My apartment is about 3miles from the lake front. Then where I get on LSD bike path I'm about 3miles from North Avenue Beach. Once I got there I laid out on the sand, book in hand, i-Pod set to shuffle. It was peaceful. The weather wasn't great for tanning but I think there were times when the sun peaked through the clouds. I met the ex's bff for lunch - he works on the beach - at Castaways. We sipped on Miami-Vices and caught up. After I jumped back on the bike, riding over 16miles along the lake, stopping at different beaches. By the time I got home I was dead tired. And a little grimy feeling. I jumped in the shower then did absolutely nothing. It was a perfect day. A day of JD.

Plus I was able to reflect on a couple of things that have happened this week:

WEDNESDAY
I had a date with Logan. We met several weeks ago at a bar. I barely remembered the guy but I apparently gave him my number after paying for a shared cab. We met at a bar. And luckily he was there firt, positioned facing the direction I would be walking. As I approached, he waved. Phew. My biggest fear was not knowning who he was then looking like a tool walking around the bar. When we met initally I was super tanked, and since he called I had been racking my brain trying to piece together what he looked like. He is brunette, average guy height, big eyebrows, and has a Peter Pan type face (pointy features, high cheek bones).

Conversation was easy - especially since I was basically listening to him talk most of the time. I wasn't totally annoyed by this, but I know a lot about him now. I'm not sure he could say the same about me. He grew up in Michigan, after a couple years out of college him and a buddy picked up and moved to Chicago. He is working on putting together an insurance agency, but his real money maker right now is at a golf store. He has been doing that for 2years. He likes theater. He leaves Sunday mornings open for church. He is apart of 2 church groups (volleyball & ultimate fris). He doesn't swear. Right. I swear. A. Lot. The "f" word is my favorite. Needless to say that throughout the night I appologized several times when I let one slip. Although he is a very nice guy, I'm a little put off by him. The combination of his Peter Pan looks & goody-good lifestyle is the exact opposite of me. But at least he drinks. Albiet a little slower than me, but if he didn't drink at all that would have been a deal breaker.

After dinner, we went inside for a couple of rounds of pool. Then on the bus ride back he offered to walk me to my door. Then we decided we should play some Wii, just for a bit. He didn't head out until 1:30am. Hug goodbye. Around 9:30am the next day I recieved a text from him, "good morning sleepy head" was the opener. Really?!? Is this guy for real. He just said he had a wonderful time with me & wanted to do it again. Soon. That night he called, I was out so I didn't answer, & left a message. It was a tad long. Asking to have a movie night. I haven't called or texted back. I'm reeling on what I want to do. Do I really want to start something with yet another guy? Am I even interested? Could I go out with him 1 more time? I decided that I could, well only go out with him again. It doesn't hurt to have people in your corner or friends. I'll just have to make that point clear...

THURSDAY-DAY
I was tired from the night before. And a little hung over. Work was work, but better than the previous days since my at times over-bearing supervisor was gone. The ex had been emailing me with a lot more regularity. I'm ok with it because it has been friendly. But on Thursday it was boarder-line. He asked me over for dinner the night before - he was going to be cooking salmon. I declined because I had a date. This I think threw him for a loop. He began asking questions about how I meet people, ect. At one point he mentioned that he didn't know what he wanted. By knowing him and how our break up had gone to this point, I'm pretty sure he wants me to run to him with open arms and pick up where we left off pre-break up. I feel like he moved downtown after he realized I had so he could try to make amends. His friend & I discussed some of this at our lunch yesterday. They live together now. He says the ex is having some trouble getting back into the dating game - basically since he has none, no game that is. He is even on Match.com. Everything I found out made/makes me sad. I feel guilty and although I know I shouldn't, I really do. I want him to be able to move on and be happy and have a great life...

THURSDAY NIGHT
"I like you, almost to a fault" he said as his lips lightly touched my, his hand carassing my breast & moving down my side. My heart raced. My senses elevated. I felt like I was floating. All of this came rushing back, just by his touch. It wasn't much longer when I pressed the pause button with him. We had things to discuss. Although, in retro-spect nothing about our conversation cleared anything up. Its still muddeled.

C and I had texted a bit over my commute home from work. He invited me over to check out his new furniture and hang out for a bit. I went. We had some beers, made roadies & hit the pavement in search of a good dinner spot. The conversation was smooth, equal, caring. We are able to discuss anything and everything from work to hopes to Daisy in Love. Over dinner he turned the conversation serious, the first time he asked me about my past relationship with the ex. The weather had turned cool on our walk back. He drapped his arms around me - my skin tingled. He was warm. Strong. The sidewalk ended right near my car. I turned to go. He grabbed me, hugging, asking me to come back to his place. I tried to say no, but I couldn't.

After a glass of wine, he made his move. I let him. We fell right back into our old routine. It felt great. Then it started to feel weird. Didn't he just say a mere 4wks ago that this was too much? I stopped and tried to address it. Nothing was resolved. He apologized about how he acted, said he missed me, but he does not want a relationship. I told him he made it seem like it was my fault that we were picking things up when he was also responsible. I questioned why he would limit himself when everything was going well - it was fun, exilerating, why put rules on that? He had no answer. The kissing picked up and I did stay the night. We were glued to each other throughout the night. We had minimal sleep. A lot of kissing. My lips are chapped. Now, who knows what will happen.

TODAY
The plan is the gym, the beach, oh & trying to get the all-illusive Bears tickets. Yep. Football is right around the corner & HOLY HELL I CAN NOT WAIT. I will only devote 2hrs to trying to get tickets and I am not hopeful that I will succeed. Friends say it takes 4-6hrs to get tickets, IF you can get through the busy signal. This weekend is the first weekend that I don't have any plans. None. Zip. I'm kind of relishing in that. Sometimes I just like having a weekend of me. Doing what I want.

Things that make you go "hmmm"

2009-07-17T12:01:00.003-05:00

This week has been interesting. And fun.

I made a friend last week who goes to the gym I just joined. We got to talking and both of us decided we would make good gym buddies. Our first date was on Wednesday for a step class. I haven't been in an aerobic class in forever so it kicked my ass. My legs are singing today but it feels good. It feels like I should take my ass to the gym again today but that is highly doubtful.

After class, C texted me. It wasn't necessarily a surprise but it was unexpected. We ended up meeting for a drink. Well, I wanted to meet but he insisted on picking me up and driving. We had a drink at a bar, caught up, then we went back to my place for battle royal of Guitar Hero. Needless to say, I kicked his ass. There was no awkwardness - ok maybe initially when I got into his car. We used to kiss hello. But that awkwardness did not last long. He seems to be very busy at work, giving a presentation at a huge conference this weekend. And he finally has a couch in his apartment. Too bad I won't be able to "break it in". He left around 12midnight. Hug goodbye. No hanky panky. Nothing even attempted.

Yesterday was the Billy Joel/Elton concert. #2 & I met at a bar then headed over after several drinks. I was ready early & had some drinks at my place prior to heading out to meet him. I'm not exactly sure if that was a good idea or not...

The concert was awesome. We were on the field (converted of course). Able to walk around. Had a great view. Billy & Elton were awesome. We drank. We sang. I even bonded with his roomies girlfriend. I think we talked about #2 - she asked how serious we were. I couldn't lie, we aren't but I think I said I hoped we would be but I know he wasn't into that right now. Awesome. I guarantee this will get back to #2 in a flash.

Now, I'm not gonna lie. I can not exactly remember how the evening ended. I remember a cab. I remember talking with #2 about driving him to work the next morning. But I woke up face down on the couch in my clothes from last night. No #2 in my bed. I very gracefully got up, stripped then fell asleep in my bed until 11ish. Then I texted #2. No response. I hope I didn't fuck up.

I do have pictures from last night. My friends will be so pleased to finally see the guy I've been talking about since last October. We have some cute ones of the group, some of us, some of the cab driver, and one of him getting money out the ATM. MAN, I am SO curious how the evening ended. Bah.

This weekend is already starting and I won't have a minute to relax. Today I'm hungover, so my plan of laundry, groceries & the gym are out of the question. BUT I may go see Harry in a matinee. Or I may just head back to the burbs. Rose's baccalaureate party is tomorrow. It looks like it will shape up to be a rowdy time. On the agenda: pole dancing/strip class (can not wait!), freshen up at her pad (food, games, gifts) then a bar crawl in the 'ville. We will likely be ridiculous. We always are when everyone is in super party mode. Again, my goal is to keep things at a minimum. But that never happens. And its likely my bank balance will continue to suffer.

Now the couch is so comfy & I'm all set up with left overs & a 16 & Preggers marathon. I don't know if I'll make it off the couch. Lazy? Perhaps.

Knock on wood

2009-07-14T08:35:00.005-05:00

I MAY BE GOING TO SEE BILLY JOEL/ELTON JOHN ON THURSDAY!

JEALOUS?!? I am. Or, I will be if the tickets fall through. Ha - here I am acting like I actually purchased them. Ha, no no no. This is all dependant on #2.

Yesterday, 9am. Text from #2 inviting me to Carnivale to relish in his $150 worth of gift cards. YES PLEASE. Reservations at 8pm. The food was to die for. Not to mention I love eating out with him. He is a plate sharer and he is great at ordering food. Especially Spanish food. And wine.

There was absolutely no rush to dinner. We started with cocktails. Then an appetizer. Then a bottle of wine with dinner. And even desert. Everything was melt-in-your-mouth good. Plus watching him take control over the ordering was super sexy. After dinner we headed back to my area but made a pit stop in Wicker Park for a night cap. We ended up having several beers at CANS. Singing to 80s Pop and playing Frogger.

By the time we finally made it to my apartment it was all hands and grasping and mouths and...yea, we spent several hours doing this before calling it a night and sleeping.

Well, #2 has 2 tickets to the show on Thursday* and invited me to go with him IF he can't sell them for profit. Which he likely could. But I'm hoping that I convinced him otherwise. I want to go. The show is at Wrigley Field. I have never seen a concert there. Plus come on! Billy Joel. AND ELTON. OMG! I guess I'll know more by Wednesday night. Fingers crossed people!

*Ah and perfect timing for me since I DON'T WORK FRIDAY. Hello?!? Not to mention that #2 said his friend - some rich guy - is throwing the after party for Billy Joel's band. AND WE WOULD GET IN FOR FREE. I could just pee my pants with delight....

Because my debit card tells me so

2009-07-13T12:16:00.004-05:00

Monday mornings. They typically suck for a lot of reasons. But add this in addition to all of the regular routine suckiness of a Monday: checking the online bank account. I do it multiple times per week however its only on Mondays that I dread it.

I knew before I even left work Friday that this weekend would be prime for trouble. And that trouble would be directed towards my checking account. I was triple booked all weekend. And my little plan to buy a flask has not come to fruition yet. I'm still working on it. Plus, in all honesty I thought that I would be set with limited cash since the parties I was attending Friday & Saturday were drink specials, 9-12 all you can drink for $15. Right. Well, that never works. I'll never learn.

FRIDAY

I actually went to the gym for a quick jaunt. 1/2 running, 1/2 stair mill. I haven't sweat like that in a while. Wait, scratch that. I probably have, but I'll leave the salacious details out.

Met up with L & friends at Mickey's on Clark/Fullerton in Lincoln Park. Its a great bar. Has a ginormous outdoor patio and a large party room in the back. We were in the party room. Vodka-Soda-with-a-lime-please. Times that by, yaidonknow, let's say 15. Now, I can't recall everything that happened but luckily I was able to piece together the evening with clues.

Clues that mean my purse was broken:
#1: My fav yellow clutch no longer latches, #2: Can't find my new lip gloss/tint ($20people!), #3: Bouncer approaching me with my keys (still can't figure out how he knew they were mine but you got to love it), #4: My stuff strewn about #2's pad the next morning

Clues that I was 3 sheets to the wind:
#1: Refusing to cab it with L after bar close, #2: Allowing semi-stranger to hop in cab with me (then I paid for it!), #3: 30min walking around the wrong street insisting to #2 I was in front of his apartment, #4: Sitting on unknown porch talking #2 out of jumping in a cab to find me, #5: Reviewing texts from Friday, its embarrassing, #6: The hang over that lasted until 4pm Central Standard Time

Clues that I spent more than the $25 at the door:
#1: Cash poor the next day, I only had a $5, #2: Online bank balance shows payment to bar

Clues that we left Mickeys:
#1: Online bank balance shows $30 purchase at Tin Lizzy's

SATURDAY

Luckily enough for me #2 likes the same hangover routine I do. Sleep in. Hangover sex. Then hangover brunch. With a bloody mary. And that's how the morning went. I then headed to North Ave beach with the ex.

Yea, yea yea. I know. PROBABLY not the bestest idea ever but I am trying to be more friendly with him. AND I am ready to actually be friends (although I don't think he is, more on that in a different blog...). PLUS (this is the kicker) he had tickets to see M.C. Hammer. Yea. I know. 2Legit 2Quit (with hand motions). Jealous? I think so....

Day drinking, day drinking, day drinking, Hammer Time, day drinking.

Home for a quick bite then shower for S & Fiance arrived around 8:30. I was, lets say, a little drunky and a lot tired by this point. We went to Redmon's for $15 all you can drink to celebrate KS birthday. We just saddled up to a bar table and stuck there all night which was okay by me. I only made it until 11:30. Couldn't even get down 2 drinks. I went straight to bed and was dead to the world until 8am.

SUNDAY

Rose's 2nd bridal shower at a swanky country club near the 'ville. I was refreshed and ready. The shower had THE BEST food. Breakfast AND LUNCH. Needless to say I killed the buffet. And likely my waste line too. Rose got some good gifts. After 3hrs it was over then I headed up to Schaumburg to visit with HLo. Pool time. Followed by a pizza orgy courtesy of Little Cesar's (yea, I didn't know they still existed either!). I was home in time for Entourage then bed.

All in all the weekend was a win. Until Monday morning when I checked the bank balance. $90 in the checking account. YIKES.

On A Mission

2009-07-10T10:01:00.003-05:00

Living alone is totally awesome. I come and go as I please. I don't have anyone waiting around for me. I can walk naked from the bathroom to my bedroom to the kitchen. I just, do what I want.

It has officially been 2 full months of apartment living. And as stated I love it. However, my bank book is dying. Rapidly. I am so low on cash since I am so high on bills. I have multiple bills, on top of loans (car & student), on top of rent. I get paid then payout immediately. Leaving me with around $200 to play with until the next check.

You might be thinking, "Wow $200 that sounds like a lot to carry someone 2 weeks until the next pay day". Well, it may seem that way but when I break it down it never lasts. I have to get groceries. I buy wine, vodka & beer for the apartment (it adds up). I have guests (need to stock up on food/drinks for them too). And I go out. If you can't tell from this blog, I go out a lot. I enjoy it. Its summer. Its my entertainment. I'll hibernate in the winter more I'm sure...

So I have decided on the following in order to save my credit card bill and my cash flow:
1) Limit dining out, unless paid for by a boy
2) Pre-gaming (done)
3) No credit cards* (gas only)
4) Budget entertainment per month (yea right, but I'll try. I swear)
AND my most ingenious idea:
5) Buy a flask

I said it. I have been looking into buying a flask. 8oz please. Narrow enough to fit in my going-out purse. I would love to say I came up with this brilliant idea myself, but alas I did not. We've all heard of people doing this. I've just always filed that bit of info away for later use. And now I know why. And I will use it to combat the high cost of drinks in the city.

The plan is this: Buy flask before weekend. Fill said flask with vodka. Put flask in purse. Take to bars. Order soda or juice. Likely pay nothing or minimal for said mixer. Pour flask vodka into mixer. Sip. Enjoy. Repeat.

I have to say that Dani & I spent about 20min researching places to buy flasks. Surprisingly a lot of stores only sell the 8oz kind online. I figure if I head to a liquor store I'll have better luck. Now, I'm on a mission.

*Another reason I'm so cash poor is likely do to my credit card bill being around $1000 the past two months. All of those purchases were for the apartment & getting set up. SO I should be done with all that and the bill will get back to normal, like the $200 range. That will definitely help with the cash flow

When 2 become 1

2009-07-10T09:51:00.001-05:00

My number has dwindled. My two boys have been narrowed down to only one. Or so I thought....

C never called me last Thursday after the texting about the "silent treatment." The next day it was eating at me so I texted and he called. It was short & sweet: things feel like they are getting too serious and he doesn't want a relationship. Um, ok. I was a little surprised because I thought he would be reaming me about my partying or whatever. I told him that he made that pretty clear when we started hanging out. We hung up - civilly of course. Then I deleted his number - no need to have drunken texts go out (we all know how that happens). It was a little bittersweet - I do like him A LOT but we've never even come close to having the relationship talk! Its like a slap in the face - how can you break up with someone when you're NOT EVEN A BOYFRIEND. I'm still not sure where all of this came from. But its easier to cut my losses now before things (re: I) got carried away. Right? Sure....

The weekend progressed normally enough - although the rain on the 4th definitely dampened the holiday spirit. The best night was Friday when I went with L & B to a fest (where we had free beer & food all night) then L & I met up with her friend Potts at the 'ville bars. We were hammered drunk to say the least. Potts just got back from Egypt and we convinced a townie that she was actually Egyptian. That she didn't know English. And he bought us shots - pineapple upside-down. My first! And boy, it was delish! Anywho, when he went to the bathroom we took that as our cue to exit, but not before Potts wrote a note in "hieroglyphics" thanking him for the drink. I could have peed myself it was so funny.

This week has been so blah. I did do a couple of things (finally joined a gym & went to a Sox game) but I have to admit that I have been feeling lonely. Its been the first week that I have not had multiple plans for dinners/drinks. And of course no contact from my boys. Just when I was really down, wallowing in self pity I received an unexpected text from C. He asked if I wanted to meet him for a late dinner/drink. I was SHOCKED. I declined since I was knee deep in a book, curled up on the couch in my jammies. My guess is this: he misses me. I know he does. We haven't seen each other in over 2weeks and its not like we've ever fought before. I just keep thinking, why would he put the kibosh on something that is going so well? I mean we get along and have fun, why put rules on it? I assume boys just think all girls want is to be in a relationship and get serious. Their assumption is totally wrong. I will wait to see if he makes contact again. I'm not opposed to hanging out with him. I miss him too. And I can't believe he doesn't miss me, I just keep thinking back to my birthday...

No less than 20 min later I got a call from #2. Right, well I don't think I've been completely up front about him on the blog. I'm not sure where I left off with him in but I think I said we ended things. Well, we did. That day. Sorta. However that following Saturday we texted back and forth. Then on Sunday after the Pride Parade we met up at his apartment and hung out. Then on last Tuesday we got dinner (and porn*). He was busy over the weekend with friends & family for the holiday. Then Monday is Monday, and on Tuesday/Wednesday he has sports so we hadn't spoken since last week. ANYWHO. He called. We chatted. We're going to try to meet up this weekend sometime. He did mention he was surprised that I never call him and he has to call me all of the time. I was pleasantly surprised about that - he actually wants me to call him . Done. I can do that. The way he is acting makes me think that he finally realized how much he likes me. Its a warm fuzzy for sure.

This weekend looks like a busy one. Tonight is a going away party/breast cancer fundraiser with L & her college friends. The going away part of the party is actually for the girl who had the Trolley B-Day Party. Where C & I met. I have no clue if C will be there tonight. But I'll have to plan to look absolutely fabulous just in case. The weather looks deary and wet (of course!) but fingers crossed that my hair & make up make it tonight! Tomorrow possible beach day (fingers crossed no rain!) followed by KS b-day party with S - hopefully #2 will be able to meet up, this girl needs some lovin'. Sunday is Rose's 2nd bridal shower.

Happy Weekend Everyone!

*Yes, you read correctly. I said porn. #2 & I were walking back to his place after dinner when we notice we walked right past an "adult" store. We had to go in. Prior to that we decided that we would buy 1 video no more than $10. And we found one. When we were checking out, we got a FREE ONE on top of it. So now I am the proud owner for 2 porns for only $10.50! Granted they are terrible but still... totally awesome. And it lead to a very very fun evening

Bug Juice...

2009-07-06T19:50:00.004-05:00

"...doesn't come in a jar. Bug Juice comes from who you are..."

Anyone (besides TK & Rose) remember that Disney classic? If not, were you living under a rock during your formative years?!? Bug Juice was Disney's attempt at relatity t.v. And it obviously worked on me. Because I love me some teenage reality. Still. To this day. As an adult. Oh how I miss you Bug Juice. You taught me a lot. Luckily for me I lived with TK & Rose in college thus got to watch the TAPED episodes at my leisure. Thank you.

Right now, as I sit eating my huge plate of spaghetti & drinking some vino I'm watching the same old MTV Fat Camp episode that irks me and yet I can not stop! I love it. I tune in all the time. Ugh, if anyone knows what I'm talking about I HATE that girl with the glasses that sits in the infermary ALL THE TIME. UGH. When she sings I want to pull my hair out..."Sweet Home Alabama"...Ugh if I was in fat camp with her I would die. DIE. Or just treat her like eveyrone else did. There are still losers in fat camp. Tear.

UGH her name is Dianne. Gross. Moving on.

Following my Fat Camp obsession, I will turn to intervention (fingers crossed for a new one!). It makes me realize that I love relaity tv. Well, not ALL reality tv. That is something that Rose is good at, not necessarily me. I am drawn to reality (aka TLC) tv for the following: give me your fat, your midget, your addicted, your pregnant & your insane. These reality shows are for me.

LOVE Biggest Loser (while I eat ice cream with my Mom - we conference on this).
LOVE TLC - Although I had to pry my eyes open to finish "mermaid girl" (she was so sweet!) and "tree man" (that was WAY more difficult)
LOVE 16 & Preggers (TGI Marathon this weekend)
LOVE Intervention (please, OD. Please)

Right. So I may not be "normal" I still LOVE this reality b.s.

And its a good thing that it is taking my attention away from the non-sex situation*. Cable came at a damn good time...

*Don't fret my pets - its only been...um a week. BUT I do have news on the personal front. This post is obviously vino induced. You're Welcome.

Knots

2009-07-02T15:53:00.004-05:00

Ugh. I have that sinking, heavy feeling sitting right on my chest. And working its way towards the diaphragm. I am anxious. I am (hopefully) waiting for a call. From C. Who has been MIA since Friday. Scratch that - Sunday - that was the day of our last communication.

Rewind to last weekend:

Friday night was great. C actually cancelled friends with a friend (a GIRL) to make time to hang out with me. It was flattering and endearing. We actually did something that is becoming quite the staple in our relationship. We made cocktails, threw them into a rather large cup with the straw and headed to our spot near the lake. After a long lake front walk, we grabbed a bit to eat then headed back to his place for some uncomplicated romance. Conversation was good. We laughed a lot. Things were going just swimmingly. He even said at dinner that he would try to meet me to see The Counting Crows who were playing at the taste around 5. He thought he could get out of work by then and back into the city.

Saturday was a slow moving day. I had the cable guys come in the morning (YEA!) and spent most of the afternoon reading until HLo came in to accompany me to the taste. We quickly found our way to the concert area. And the bar. We had time to kill and spent that time (and money) drinking. I texted C a couple times to see if he could still meet up. He couldn't. My heart sank a little. As the drinking continued so did my texting. I have to say that I was a little relentless. I was eager to meet up. I wanted him to come out with us. As he had previously stated he would try. When he finally admitted he would be going out with "the boys" the phone went back into my purse. HLo & I ended up having a fabulous time. We met someone who claimed to be new to town (it could have been a ploy! And a damn good one, brought our shields down immediately), enjoyed the Crows then grabbed dinner at a Tapas restaurant in the heart of the loop. We even had sangria which may have prompted our next move into an old school club Excalibur. Honestly, the club is a little bit of a joke. No one would really go there unless they were under the influence or didn't care that they were still in day clothes from earlier. Like us. Well, like me.

Sunday was the ultra-fabulous Gay Pride Parade on the north side. The drinking started at 10am with Dani then we met up with L and her college friends to continue the party to the streets. The parade was FABULOUS! It was my first time going but there is a gianormous buzz in the straight community about what a great party it is. And it was. The drinking continued through out. We eventually ended up in a bar/restaurant for food around 3. And a round of shots. And cocktails. Once the orders were placed, I texted C. Something not so clever, or nice, more or less: you. me. sex. Very barbaric. BUT I had just finished my time of the month...

From what I can remember he was less than thrilled to meet up. The north side was still a mess with drunks (me being one of them). I balked at his response. How could he say no to all of this?!? And I think I was a little rude. Can't remember. And drunk-ass me deleted the texts immediately once it was settled.

Now, 4 days post-parade I still haven't heard from him. My first reaction on Monday was, whatever. Tuesday it was: I bet I was annoying this weekend with the drunken texts. By Wednesday: He must be a little pissed with me. Today: Something is a-miss.

In spite of myself I texted him around noon. It was simple and to the point: silent treatment or really busy working. I got my answer: both. Followed by "we can talk later".

GGGGggggrrrrreeeeaaaatttt......

Ugh, even rehashing this stuff makes my chest hurt. Bah.

My guess he is going to say that he likes me but not when I'm drunk OR drunk with a couple of friends. I'm betting on it. And he has the upper hand of course, because: 1) he has a pretty darn good memory, 2) its likely he kept whatever ammunition (the alleged texts!) to confront with me, and 3) I don't think he was drunk (at all).

I'm not looking forward to it. But I am hoping he calls to straighten whatever this is out.

I suppose I should get in the shower; its 4:20 and he will likely call around 5. Hopefully the shower will wash some of this dread away...

This is your life; This is your life on Sangria...

2009-07-01T12:14:00.003-05:00

Red. Fruity. Cold. And delicious. Its hard to say no. Its hard to stop. ESPECIALLY when your favorite local Mexican joint serves them up to you freely - yes, FREELY - because you know the bartender.

Sangria is a summer staple and the kick off to any night spent in the 'ville. And on those "any nights" many random things would happen. Usually with my girl S. And it would typically lead to trouble...although I can not remember most of the trouble that occurred. At all. And neither can she...for the most part* which led us to making the below conclusion:

(An excerpt from my life in email)

Me: You know what I just realized. A's shower is the day after KS birthday party. Do you remember what time its at?

S: Yea...I remembered that. Its at 12pm....

S: If you don't want to go to KS thing because of the shower that's understandable. I'll probably keep it low key that night so I can drive home or wake up early & not hungover to get to the shower on time.

Me: I'm still in for KS. I'll just have to remember & watch myself is all.

S: Yea, knowing we have to be up and out early will stop us from getting crazy-crazy...although it is fun when we do!

Me: Definitely. No Sangria - it will have to be the rule

S: Ummmm yea. Sangria, aka "liquid trouble", "nectar of the devil", "the beginning of a great evening", will not be consumed in order for us to maintain our lady-like manners.

Me: Awesome.

*Although I suspect that she remembers a lot more than she lets on. She may just be purposely forgetting labeling it as a black out. Smart lady that S.

What THE....

2009-06-29T15:19:00.003-05:00

Mother-f'er. I found three - THREE - more. Just about 15 minutes ago. Long. Wiry. And white. All on my head. Near the part. Close to my face. And no, it didn't look like little highlights.

I am going grey.

MOTHER-F'ER - EXCLAMATION POINT

Not even one week after getting closer to 30 do I start sprouting greys. GREYS. At 26. Do you believe this shit? Well I don't. But I do. Because I have the proof. In my hand at this very moment. All of those little buggers have been pulled out. In addition to the TWO that were pulled out last week. AFTER MY BIRTHDAY - of course. Closer to 30....of course. And now I get to tell my kids when mommy went grey. And I get to scare the shit of them. I curse you family gene pool.

I should have known that something was a-brewing. If I'm honest with myself, I knew my mom started going grey early. And now, at 52 she is all grey (but has a great hair colorist so you'd never know!). Not to mention what happened about 3wks ago that should have tipped me off....

C was over to cook dinner. As I was bending over my awkward kitchen counter to get to the window and open it C laughingly says "Hey there Silver Fox".

I stopped dead in my tracks, "What the fish*, C?"

He proceeds to tell me that the sunlight caught a piece of my hair in such a way that there was a gleaming white hair. I, of course, ran to the bathroom and scoured my head searching for that little bastard. None to be found. So I chalked it up to him being dim-witted boy that doesn't know a sun kissed brunette or natural highlight if it smacked him across the face.

I was wrong.

And now I'm crying inside.

*"What the fish" a very popular saying made up by the lovely S. I stole it approximately a year ago when my resolution was to not swear any more. This however did not work, as I just added random phrases and texting lingo to accentuate the swears. And it annoyed people. For instance, BAB's husband - he said he would rather listen to me ramble like a trucker then hear "OMG" one more time. Thank God. Exactly what I needed to snap out of the juvenile lingo. I love the "f" word. But this saying "what the fish" has stuck. I heart it and can use it at work without feeling bad. Silver lining people. Crap...silver. Like my hair...oh no

Hangover Friday

2009-06-26T08:34:00.006-05:00

Happy Friday! I, unfortunately, am at work today. And as you can see I am diligently working....rrrriiiiiiggggghhhhttttt. But my hangover won't let me and no one brought in hangover bagels. A-holes. So I blame this post on them, my co-workers.

So I have some random things to post about today. Welcome. And enjoy...well, maybe.

1) I don't get tan less swim suits. What I mean is this: no tan lines. I mean (1) who wants a burnt crotch and (b) how do you put on sunscreen in a public area. I'm pretty sure that you can't just dab a little on your nipple or cooter when there are children around. Or old people. Or that guy that goes to North Ave beach and sits with his "d" hanging down his leg facing towards you...

2) C & I had another perfect evening together on Tuesday. I could SO fall for this guy...if he could get it right in the sack. Right, well that's my bad. Its not like I don't enjoy what we do but I would like to orgasm too and not take care of myself afterwards. He doesn't know this. But, I digress. We picked up a bottle of wine Tuesday then walked to the lake (not the beach-beach) after making a steak dinner. It was this little park and it was all cement stairs to the water. The weather finally cooled down by evening and we just had a great time being goofy (ie: reading the x-rated personal ads and laughing at them, yes...AT THEM).

C) I went to a movie with the ex on Wednesday. It was inevitable that we would hang out. He moved here too; we saw each other about 3wks ago. BUT the good thing about going to a movie is that it leaves little time for chatting. SO it was a good thing. We saw The Hangover which was pretty funny shit. I recommend it. Two thumbs up by JD

D) WTF MJ died. Like he had a cardiac arrest at 50. Right before his comeback tour (so glad I didn't throw down for those tickets). I kinda believe he O.D.'d. Ok totally far fetched since they say CARDIAC ARREST however, drugs can induce that. AND I think he was so tired of people suing him. The latest being that model that was in the Thriller video...didn't she realize he was broke. I mean, Neverland Ranch was foreclosed! RIP MJ. RIP.

5) As a side note; I love MJ's music. I have been jamming out to it lately and the only silver lining about the whole thing is that the radio is playing it nonstop. WHICH I LOVE.

6) #2 came over last night. And after dinner, and 4 bottles of red wine, I told him it was time to cut things off. A little bit of a rewind is needed here first before I go on...

REWIND:
Last Friday night as apart of my drunken b-day bonanza #2 & I met up. He later came over to my place for some after hours and we had a pretty intense convo. Basically he didn't realize that I was DATING someone, he just though I was f-ing randoms (ick). I proceeded to tell him that if he was up for it, I would dump this new guy and be solely his. To which he said was a bad idea, he wasn't interested in a "relationship". Which led me to yell a little then to sex....I'm easy, what can I say.

ANYWHO: He came over last night, we cooked dinner, drank than had that discussion. He stayed the night and when I dropped him off this morning I said something like "see ya" to which he got all serious. He was all "is this the last time I'll see you" and I was all "no, well yes, lets make out" and he was all "ok". Then he got out of the car. Its a little sad. Honestly, I am tearing up right now. WTF! Not cool. I hate myself a little for that... \

But the good thing is: I choose C, my life will be less complicated, and I will be pampered by that sexy sexy man. What girl wouldn't love all of that.

7)In my attempt to save money I am cooking. And actually enjoying it. Granted, I'm not making chicken stuffed whatever but I am putting things in the oven. And using the stove top. Without the smoke detecor going off. Thankyouverymuch.

8) I feel naked today. I forgot my phone at the apartment. I was about 15min out and was very close to turning around BUT that would mean about an extra 45min to the commute (15 back, 15 to where I was when I turned around, the 30 with the increased traffic). I hate this.

Now the phone is ringing. Damn work!

Thanks for reading my randomness!

Truly yours,
PYT

(look it up if you don't know)
(but if you don't know what PYT is, I don't think we can be friends)

Holy Hell

2009-06-23T07:59:00.001-05:00

7:30 am. My phone rings. Inter-office call. From the boss.
“Jen can you come in my office”

Shit. “Sure” I say, nervous since we had our files audited yesterday.

“Please sit” he says motioning to the chair, directly in front of his desk.

“I wanted to talk with you about the Cubs game last week and running into you and #2....”

He continues on to say that there are no issues for me to continue to see – or whatever it is we’re doing – his son. There will be no implications for me at work regardless on how things turn out between us. He mentioned that they are all very close and he does typically run into #2 after games, but if I’m uncomfortable with that when I’m with #2 then I should tell #2 that they shouldn’t meet up.

It was at this point that I said that I knew the family was close. Last week I was just surprised and I have no problems with meeting up. I reiterated that #2 & I were just friends. And that was that.

I just got my boss’ blessing to see his son. At 7:30am. At the beginning of my shift.

And my boss was all smiles about it.

The End.

Dextox Monday

2009-06-22T20:33:00.004-05:00

Last night was the worst night's sleep I have had in quite some time. I was hot. I was sweating. I was tossing & turning. I had involuntary leg movements and huge boughts of anxiety the wrenched me up from bed. It wasn't until about 5 o'clock this afternoon that I realized I probably was going through alcohol withdrawl. Right. Its to be expected when you drink yourself under the table for 7days straight. Got to love week long birthday celebrations.

Friday night was jammed packed with bottles of wine, great food, followed by vodkas and more shots. And plenty of them. Here are a few highlights:
* Dinner at Carnivale
* Free drinks for a good friend of S's
* After hours at my place
* #2 being so drunk he tripped, knocking down my table and falling to the ground stricking his head on a corner of a bookcase. It was a little bloody, BUT the next morning it was hilarious. And it looked like he had a dent in his head. No worries he was just fine.

Saturday turned into an all day vodka orgy since the p's didn't make it with my new purchases. A tree fell on the house. No damage to the house but its still a pain in the arse. Saturday Highlights:
* Road sodas and the car ride to the beach
* Austrians singing me "Happy Birthday" in German while we sipped from Old English 40
* Drinking vodka/oj straight out of the vodka bottle
* My sister meeting C
* Falling in the shower - I bruise like a peach!
* The girls coming in
* Shots upon shots, upon shots...
* Dancing with 19 year olds who admit to loosing their fake ids. Did I mention I just turned 26. Riiiiggghhht......
* Taking the rickshaw - actually spotting it outside the bar, and running to it mid sentance with L. At least this ride was only $20, not the $50 HLo, L & I paid a couple of weeks ago...we were drunk...very, very drunk
* Passing out on the couch, later to find out that SOMEONE drew hearts on my face with lipstick.

Sunday I was dead to the world. Until I got a call from my mom: They were on their way with my aunt. Holy Hell. Sunday was 8hrs of putting together my entertainment units, tv, dvd/cd/ipod thingy, and hanging things on the wall. Then dinner. Then C. Then the shakes.

This week I have vowed no alcohol or crap food until Friday. I even stopped by the grocery store to get my produce on after work. After playing around with my entertainment center I went to do dishes and OMG I totally reach for the open wine bottle to draw myself a drink! I stopped myself though. Then ate chocolate. One vice for another...

Of the mixed tape variety...or so I wish...

2009-06-18T11:46:00.006-05:00

C had made me a couple of Cd's the other week. And no they weren't of the mixed taped variety. Thankyouverymuch. Although I do miss mixed tapes - and the little notes that went with them. Junior High did have that as a major perk.

Anywho, C is all about finding new music so ifsofacto I am being introduced to a lot of new music. Although I am realizing that the music isn't all that new, I'm just late to the party. And I wish I got an invite sooner.

So for the past few weeks I have been obsessed with Citizen Cope. The entire CD is to die for and this song gets me every time.

I am also a proud owner of two Sia Furler's albums who I also can't get enough of. The song Breathe Me gives me chills.

Like I said before, I realize that I am behind on the times. That's what I get for dating a hippy for 6yrs and listening to Phish/The Dead insistently. Now all I want is a well-balanced music library. And I think I'll get there. Eventually.

This slacker needs cable

2009-06-18T10:04:00.003-05:00

Yesterday after suffering through my hang over while at work ON MY BIRTHDAY, a light bulb went off: I should take a vacation day tomorrow. Although it is super tacky to put in a vacation request less than 24hrs before the next days work, I did it. And my wish was granted. So, here I sit watching The Today Show with Kathy Lee and that other lady. Because I don't have cable. And because ABC no longer comes in. No View or Oprah for me today. At least this terrible programing will not leave me addicted and sitting on the couch all day. Plus, its the fist day in MANY that the sun has poked out its head.

My list of things to do today was long. But I'm finding I'm already pushing things off until tomorrow... So far today I slept intertwined with C, had the sex, and made breakfast. I fear this will be the most productive I will be because I can feel the sun calling me outside to play. Today may just turn into a beach & trashy novel day.

Last night C treated me for my birthday. We went to one of the best sushi joints in the city, then to a specialty cupcake store, ending with a walk hand-in-hand through the city. It was perfect. We eventually found our way back to his apartment, with a rather large bottle of wine tucked under our arms. And spent the next 2hrs exploring each other's bodies by candlelight. It was the closest thing to "making love" that I have felt in quite sometime. I'm not even sure if the ex & I experienced something so sensual in our 6yrs together. Waking up today in his arms was the proverbial icing on the cake...MY birthday cake.

Now, in the light of day and after eating I am feeling confused. I need to figure out what/whom I want asap. I can tell I will be getting in over my head sooner than I realize...

BTW: I feel like I'm loosing brain cells just watching the extended version of The Today Show.

Its my berfday biotch

2009-06-17T08:13:00.001-05:00

I am officially one year closer to 30. The big 2-6. Which really, isn't that big of a deal, considering that I still look like I'm 18. Ok, maybe not that young but I do look like I'm still in my early twenties.

Last night was a doozie. And I think I'm still drunk. The hangover is scheduled to arrive maybe around 10am. CAN.NOT.WAIT. Yea right. Needless to say I will likely be unproductive today at work.

#2 invited me to the cross-town classic. For those of you that are unfamiliar its baseball, Cubs v. Sox. Both home teams. Across town from each other. IE: Cross-town. And it got rained out. I think it rain from 3:30 - 10:30 straight last night. Regardless of the baseball standings, we still partied as if there was a game. And that party was made easier since #2's roomie was the bartender. We didn't spend a dime.

Shots & beer. Fan-frickin-tastic.

8:30 comes around & #2 gets a text from his brother. Who incidently is with his dad. Who incidently is my boss. Right. They want to meet up. #2 texts the brother that its probably not a good idea since he's with someone that works for dad. Brother likely tells dad. Dad still comes. Meets us at the bar. Its like crickets. All bad behavoir out the window. I became a mute. He stayed for a drink or two then left. I think. Everything gets a bit hazey. I'll need to consult with #2 on the events later.

This morning I enter the kitchen with my arms full of bagels - what can I say, its my hangover food of choice. Big Boss-Man is the ONLY ONE in the kitchen. AWKWARD. It was big smiles, how are you, followed by chuckles. Granted I don't feel too terrible for being semi-drunk/hungover because you can tell in Big Boss-Man's voice that he threw down last night too. Unspoken connection. Although I did edit my verison & tell a couple of people in the office that I ran into him last night at a bar. Left out the detail that I'm f*ing his son. Yea.

Tonight C is taking me out for dinner. I think. He hasn't disclosed what we'll be doing. I think he was a little peeved that I was out with a different guy last night but what are you going to do. He's still into me and texted Happy Birthday bright & early this morning.

My birthday is being expanded over the next 4days. I know, its ridiculous. But I just love an excuse to party. And last year my 25th was overshadowed by weddings. Tonight dinner. Tomorrow dinner/drinks. Friday some friends are coming to the city. Saturday-day the p's, sis & aunt coming in. Saturday evening, friends coming in. And for Sunday, I'm penciling in hangover & beach. If its sunny. Which it hasn't been. For a week. Damn weather...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

It's not REALLY illegal if they want you to have it...

2009-06-15T18:35:00.006-05:00

I'm a pirate. Officially. And no I don't have on my outfit from before. I am currently pirating Internet from one of my new neighbors.

Its really their fault. Who has an unprotected network now-a-days?!? I feel totally lucky, because I didn't have the cable/Internet provider coming out until 6/27. Now...who knows if I'll even need 'em!

This past weekend I made all of my big time purchases for the apartment. And I think I went a little overboard. I blame my dad. And my mom. They were there to help guide me through the new technology and make proper choices for my budget. I'll admit it right now, I not only am technology dumb but I also need mommy & daddys' help when spending over $2k. Anyhow, they ended up directing me to creating a bachelor pad. Including, but not limited to the following items:

- 40" LCD/1080/120Hz Flat Panel
- Surround Sound/DVD/iPod docking system
- Lap top with all of the bells/whistles (which I'm loving!)
- HDMi cord to connect the computer to the tv (who knew this even existed!)

All of this is going in a semi-tiny room. Yea. It will be taking over an entire wall. And it took 3 hrs at the store. Followed by a trip to Ikea, then Target, then back to Ikea, then Meijer then Ikea to buy the stands to hold this stuff.

All of that in addition to the gaming systems I already had might push my place over the edge. Not to mention, I am currently debating if putting my 2 guitars for Guitar Hero crossed over the entertainment center on the wall would be too much...Hmmmmmmm

Luckily I only spent around $150 on the furniture (Ikea is a life saver!) and was able to finance the rest for 0% interest x 36 months.

My delivery service, the parents, will be bringing the majority of the purchases up on Saturday. Then this empty room, which currently holds a couch, 2 storage cubes, a rug and my 13" tv on a microwave box, will look more lively. CAN.NOT.WAIT.

In other news:
- #2 wanted to hang out on Saturday-day! It was a shock. Then he didn't call until 2hrs after he said he was, then said he'd call after grabbing lunch with friends. Since I was ready at 11am, and by 2:30p I hadn't heard from him I texted he should forget it. A-hole

- C had a friend from OH in town. Didn't hear from him at all. I was ready to write him off (who dates someone only on weekdays?!?) but he called today, wanted to come over to help me put together my entertainment unit & cook dinner, THEN even remembered it was my birthday Wednesday! He's out of the dog house, for now. And I needed a birthday dinner date - HLo & L cancelled since I'm seeing them this weekend.

The Past Week, with a side of bacon

2009-06-10T09:48:00.011-05:00

I have been seriously lacking in my blogging and my stalking - I mean - reading of the blogs that I follow. My work and personal life have just taken off this past week, not leaving any time for personal Internet use...which could also be due to the fact that I only have Internet at work since I'm still living in the stone age at the apartment (sin cable & Internet).

SO since I'm semi-caught up on work - ok, just the big things are taken care of - I decided to catch up on the bloggersphere. And an hour later I'm ready to post. Get ready for highlights from each day:

TUESDAY NIGHT
Shopping at the mall followed by dinner and an Origins facial party at Macy's courtesy of Dani. I found these great shoes * and then proceeded to buy every facial cream/lotion/wash that I tried. Rational: My face is the only thing that is seen every day by the general public....right....
Total cost for the evening: $250 (at least)

WEDNESDAY NIGHT
C & I hung out near his place, got dinner, sleepover on a school night. During dinner he did comment on how he really doesn't have time to date - way to make a girl feel special. I guess I got the hint that he is not interested in progressing whateverthisis into a real relationship. But at the same time he is still calling and wanting to hanging out. No need to over analyze...yet.

THURSDAY NIGHT
Date #2 with #2. He came out by my area, we got dinner then picked up a bottle of Bacardi at Jewel for some homemade cocktails and a sleepover**. #2 now has the same work schedule as I do - off every other Friday. That could be dangerous. I did clue him into my semi-dating/sexing with someone else to which he said something along the lines of "you should stop sleeping with other people" - as in, I should only sleep with him. I just rolled over at that point, biting my tongue about him being MIA for 3months thus having no say in my life***

FRIDAY
Since I was off, I decided to run my errands which included: getting a Chicago city sticker for my car, renewing my driver's license and laundry. Obtaining the city sticker took 2.5hrs of waiting in line with the general public. The line consisted of the following: old man with b.o., guy with white nose hairs extending to his upper lip, sweatpants guy that was leering at my toes. Nose hair guy also was the guy that acts as the Line Police, yelling at anyone who asked where the line started or looked around the corner to see the length of the line. After that I headed to the 'burbs to renew the license, only took an hour which included updating my information, paying the $10 renewal fee, taking the written test (only 1 wrong!), and getting a new picture. For some reason, my photo shows me as extremely tan which I am so not. But it does look good. Thank you DMV camera. Followed by a night of laundry & sleeping.

SATURDAY
A's bridal shower in the afternoon. It was the first of many wedding events for this summer. I am a bridesmaid in this wedding and in S's. The shower was nice, although it was a rainy cool day. After the shower L & I went to a wine store to sample some wines then crossed the street to a wine bar for a flight with some cheese. Then to S's for some cocktails before heading to MP's graduation party from pharmacy school. By 10 everyone was ready to pack it in and not take this party to the bars.

SUNDAY
The p's were still out of town for a wedding. My sister just got back from a leg on the tour and was sleeping. I turned to the Internet to research a bachelorette party that I'm helping plan for August. Unfortunately, no details since S reads this blog. Once sleeping beauty woke up, we hung out and chatted. Which was a little distracting because Big Sis brought her new boyfriend over and they were pretty handsy. The p's walked in around 12noon and were hungover/tired so the house was pretty lame so I headed back to the city.

C came over for some afternoon delite and stayed for dinner. We decided to make steaks & asparagus. Then in the post-sex grander decided we should head to the store for some bacon to make bacon wrapped shrimp as well. Needless to say it was an orgy of bacon - on shrimp and it even made it on a couple of asparagus spears. C cooked. And it was a bacon mess. The smoke detector went off about 10x and there was grease splattered everywhere from the bacon. But the dinner turned out pretty good, minus the excessive use of bacon. By our second piece of bacon-wrapped-something we were over it. The left overs were removed from the bacon as an attempt to salvage it****

MONDAY
Work is busy. I definitely slacked on Thursday and since I was off on Friday had a lot of catching up to do. This carries over to Tuesday as well.

The ex moved to the city the other weekend. He has been contacting me to hangout and on Monday I finally agreed to it. I went to his apartment to check it out, then for dinner in his area (Lincoln Park). I kept the meeting short and although it wasn't awkward since we had so much to catch up on, it is not something I want to do with regularity. I paid for my own dinner, even though he offered. I declined bar hopping but conceded to a walk around the park. I declined going back up to watch a movie. It was short and sweet, only lasting from 6:30 - 8:15pm. The ending conversation did leave us in an awkward spot. The ex wants to hang out with regularity, which I put the nix to saying that we're not friends...at least not yet. To make sure that he knew that I didn't want to DATE him, I asked if he was excited about his new bachelor pad. His response: He was just glad to be on his own. Then I asked if he was dating anyone - No. He asked me - Yes. Then came all of the questions. I answered about 2 as politely as I could, then laughed saying I'd see him sometime soon and walked off. It wasn't a rude ending by any means.

After that, I needed some lovin' so I called C for a drive by pop-in which he was game for. He let me watch cable and we looked up inappropriate things on the Internet for laughs.

TUESDAY
Work work work, lunch break at Verizon for a new phone & upgraded texting plan, work work work. Home. Mini S&TC marathon. Steak left overs and Julian's 30day Shred

I am optimistic that The Shred will work. Although it is only 20min long. Which is short. And doesn't feel like a enough time. I may combine it with some running outside (yea right) or biking (more likely) or just another tape.

THIS WEEK:
Nothing planned. I think I'm ready to make my big ticket purchases for the apartment: TV, Laptop, ect. And find a gym in my area.

NEXT WEEK:
I turn 26. I'll be ready for multiple cocktails since I'll be officially closer to 30
And it is my off Friday where I intend to head to North Ave Beach for sunning, cocktails and reading (weather permitting) - this is something I hope becomes my summer staple.

*The shoes are going back. They are too tall for work and I have very similar ones in the closet that are also inappropriate for the office. It will be a sad day with that return

**Sex was good. I know, its a little slutty to be with 2 guys however C & I are not exclusive. And I'm being safe.

***Not to mention the fact that he is not actively pursuing me in any way. He calls 1x/week therefore he is not in the running as a serious date.

****Which worked; I had the left overs (shrimp & asparagus) yesterday sin bacon and it was still pretty tasty

Love Letters from a Drunken Make Out

2009-06-10T09:27:00.005-05:00

"I would of rather of said this over the phone or in person but I guess this will do.

Dear J,

Words can only being to describe how amazing you are. Your intelligent, sensitive, and absolutely gorgeous. If were together, I would never stop caring for you. Not for a single second, in good times or bad.

I fear I'll never meet a lady of greater caliber than you. Your the rarest of gems and I don't want to lose you. Give me a chance to prove I'm not my age. There nothing I would rather be doing than to just be with you.

W"

This was waiting in my FB inbox last Sunday. It was from the brother of HLo's boyfriend. I think he is 22. Anywho, this was just another life lesson: Be careful who you get drunk & make out with. Consider this lesson learned.

I responded, thanking him for the kind words and that I was really up for being single this summer. His response: He met someone new. Ok - that actually works out better for me and now I feel like less of a bitch.

Grab Your Heels and Bikinis Ladies: We're Headed to the Lake!

2009-06-03T12:05:00.009-05:00

To me going to a lake house includes the following: friends, beer, tubing & water sports, tanning & swimming, comfy clothes and if you're lucky some shots or bar hopping. This past weekend did include all of those things for me, but not for everyone...

When I arrived at the lake house bright & early on Saturday, I headed to the dock immediately despite the cloudy-cold weather. It was me, my friend HLo (it was her bf's house) and a handful of other people - all of whom were guys. The rest of the guests, like 15-20, were still sleeping off the partying from the night before. After about 2hrs the people slumbering began to wake and make their way down to the dock. All guys. Not long after, people where questioning: Where's [enter girl's name here] & [enter girl's name here]? The answer: They were getting ready.

Yes, GETTING READY.

A parade of size-zero bikini-clad high-heel-wearing make-up-faced hair-did girls showed up not a moment too soon. I was in shock. Here I am, no make-up my hair pulled back into a pony with flip flops on and in a hoodie (it was still chilly at this point). I had never seen anything like this EVER: eye shadows matched the swim suits, Bump-its were in full affect, wedge high heels, real dresses as cover ups. WTF? The look on my face was probably priceless. I was the outcast in this scenario.

I like to think of my self as pretty down to earth girl. I can mesh with most people: be one of boys, one of girls, or just float somewhere in between. I could not mesh with these girls. Thus I found myself turning to my bff Mr. Miller Lite for support. And I got a whole lot of support from him.

The sun finally broke through the clouds mid-afternoon, the drinking never stopped, and we continued the party into the night. This included shots (plenty of them) and transitioning to cocktails. Jack was there for me then. And he lead me down the path to self loathing. That asshole.

Apparently I'm a lush. I prefer this term to whore because "lush" at least has that "I'm a fun party girl" connotation to it still; "whore" is too negative. And I don't sleep around, I am just a make-out lush (OK, whore does sound better in this instance).

Perhaps it was the early drinking, sun-burning afternoon, non-dinner eating day that brought me to my lush-tastic evening but I'm sure it had something to do with the fact that I just did not fit in. Once I got attention, I tried to keep it. With my mouth. I guess it worked at getting attention...from EVERYONE (including the Dad who showed up in the afternoon)

Although, I could have made MUCH better make out choices than I did:
Guy#1: NIPPLES PIERCED - Ew: I hate myself for this one.
Guy#2: HLo's BF YOUNGER BROTHER - not a minor thankyouverymuch

The next day I felt like I got ran over by a train, kept to myself, and drank only water. And Guy#2 - the brother - was following me around like a little puppy dog. He's nice, cute enough, but gesh it was only drunken making out forcryingoutloud. I do like him; he's a nice kid and we've met before but I'm not really interested.

That was me this weekend. And I'm not too proud of it. But I am by no means ashamed. That could be because I refused to let HLo fill me in on the details post-blackout. She, and all of the other 20 guests, can keep that to themselves.

Now I'm reeling in how to gently let down the brother. He has my number and we talked briefly the other night. He is all about hanging out. I'm being nice. But luckily I do have a pretty packed week/weekend so I don't have to lie to him...at least not yet. Unfortunately I'll just have to suck it up and apologize for giving him the wrong impression and say hopefully* we can be friends.

*but hopefully the kind of friends that only see each other once in a while for big events and don't talk on the phone.

If you dream it, bagels will come

2009-05-29T09:25:00.005-05:00

Driving into work today I took Lake Shore Drive (which I never do, but should more often) and it was gorgeous! A peaceful clear morning on the lake with an exquisite view of the city while entering the Loop. The city was sparkling in the sunlight and the lake was clear and peaceful.

Moments later Chicago commute reared its ugly head and I was in bumper to bumper traffic. Which allowed my mind to wander, and today it wandered to the thought of delicious bagels. All I wanted was to show up to work and have an Asiago bagel from Panera sitting there waiting for me. The perfect Friday morning - and hangover cure. Low and behold, my wish was granted and there were bagels. Hallelujah. The begining to a great weekend...hopefully.

Right. Well, I had an offical date with #2 last night. We met up at a tapas restaurant in Lincoln Park. Drank sangria and ate like pigs. We fell into our old routine and it was fantastic. The conversation was good, there were some laughs and after dinner we headed to a bar for more cocktails. Obviously our routine is getting drunk together. And by this time we were at least buzzed if not completely drunk. And buzzed dating is drunk dating as we all know.

At the bar he leaned in to kiss me. I inadvertantly gave the cheek. Honestly I had no idea that he was going in for the kill. He immediately called me out on it and tried again. That time, he didn't miss. Kissing him was as good as I remembered - lush soft lips, cool wet tongue, a sweet mouth. I felt it in my toes. He tastes amazing. TMI? Maybe. We called it a night by 12am which left us in an interesting perdiciment - do we or don't we "share" a cab? Sharing a cab means sleepover. Sleepover means sex.

While stewing it over outside the bar I, in all of my smooth non-nerdy glory, blurted out that there would be no sex. This, I think, caught #2 by surprise. I followed it by saying - ever so gently (or notsomuch) - that I had made up my mind the moment he called that I would not sleep with him right away. That I was pissed on how he handled things in February. Mad that he never called back. Granted I did preference all that by saying I did act like a crazy bitch but still he should have called. For the most part he agreed or he at least acted like he did. If it was acting it was a good believable show. And I fell for it. We decided to "share" a cab and just sleep together. Literally, sleep.

Yes there was a make out session on the couch and in bed but there was no heavy petting. At all. Sleeping was actually sleeping. And spooning. I know the goal was to string him along, and I know I techinically brought him home to my bed however he only got a small taste of what he has been missing so I think the plan worked. Sort of. I have a good feeling that he will call back wanting seconds. I just have to decide if I want to offer it.

Do I or don't I? I am having a fantastic time with C. We are developing a great personal connection and coupled with passionate sex its a win-win. C is extremely hansome, well rounded, funny guy. He wins against #2 in almost all categories. But there is something about #2 that grabs my attention. Maybe with him there is some type of aloof quality - I have to chase him. But chasing him never works out. I end up chasing my own tail and acting a fool. I don't want to risk things with C either. But if kissing #2 was as good, if not better, than I remember then I know it won't be long until I'll crave having sex with him. Because if my memory serves me correctly, it was damn good.

What are the rules when it comes to dating? Do you tell your current date about your other dates? Do they have a right to know who you're sleeping with? I'm at a loss. I guess I'll just go with my instints and my instints right now says I want to go out with C tonight. So I will. And I'll take everything else as it comes.

*I have realized that lately all of my posts are about drinking and sex. To confirm: no I am not a sex addict, no I am not an alcholoic. But I will work on posting other life events in order to spice up my blog. Hopefully...

Boomerang

2009-05-26T13:01:00.004-05:00

There is always those few things that you have or had in your past that some how always may their way back to you. I'm talking anything from your old NKOTB sheet set to video games to even people and past relationships. This weekend, I had a boomerang person text himself back into my life. And at first, I had a "wholly hell" type of moment. Although the initial shock has subsided I am still just a little on edge about the entire situation.

A perfect Sunday afternoon - included lunch at a great Mexican place up the street followed by some bar hoping and the hawks game with C. After the game we walked our way back to my apartment, stopping to buy a couple bottles of wine. Unfortunately for C we passed a tiny carnival and I dragged him onto The Zipper and the Pharaoh's boat ride. Then he decided to cook me dinner at my place. In midst of my wine haze I reached for my phone to text S that "OMG, C IS COOKING FOR ME. HOW PERFECT" kind of message when I had a text waiting in my inbox. From #2.

Now, I knew deep down that this would happen yet it still caught me by surprise. His text was a simple "hey heard you moved into the city, how is it going" type of text. My reply was a not-so-simple or smooth "its great, sorry the hawks lost. we should grab dinner or something". This all happening while the almost perfect C is busy cooking me dinner. I then proceeded to text S several swear words about #2 then put the phone to rest and picked up that bottle of wine.

Dinner was great as was the rest of our evening. And it didn't take me long at all to forget about #2 while I was in the presence of C. Plus I never got a text back from #2 after my very eager response which helped matters immensely. I did however receive a text last night at 9pm - #2 has asked me out for dinner. I sat with that text for about an hour. Then I texted S. Then I texted #2 back saying something along the lines of that I'd let him know later this week since I'm SO busy (yea right). He responded almost immediately that he would call me tonight to make plans.

Yikes.

C & I are not exclusive, but I do respect the fact that we are sleeping together. And since I'm so new to this single lifestyle, for my own sake 1 guy in a bed at a time please. I have no qualms about going out for dinner with #2, my only apprehension is falling into the same spot I was before. I didn't make a good F* buddy - I always wanted a little bit more. Plus, I didn't like to know about all of the other girls he was seeing. So I don't want to ruin anything with C over someone so trivial. But I do want to flaunt. And I do want to make him buy me dinner. And I do want to leave him begging for more. Nothing wrong with a girl wanting to string along a guy for a bit - right?!?

So I've decided that if it can be worked out, I will go out to dinner with #2 this week. I have created a rule: no more than 2 drink (lame, i know), and since I'll be getting my little friend I don't have to worry about the s-e-x. At least not yet.

This, could be very fun. Very fun indeed.

**Not to mention the fact that it is slightly flatering-slash-creepy that his dad (aka MY BOSS) brought me up in conversation with #2 this weekend. Specifically informing him that I have moved downtown, and Lord knows, maybe he coaxed him into contacting me. Maybe not. But its just a little weird how badly my boss must really want me and his sone to date. And, it creeps me out that there is a possibility #2 has already informed him of our past randevous. Ick.

No Thank You

2009-05-21T16:18:00.004-05:00

I thought I would leave for the weekend preparing you all for what you might encounter during the nice weather long weekend ahead. I hate them. The "man-dals". They are hideous. Not only are men's feet usually sickening, but now they have gone all fem-bot on us too. These guys should be punched in the nuts - or maybe that is my own obscure opinion. If its not burkes or flops (yea I'm getting used to those at least now) then you shouldn't be wearing them.

Below are my two favorite definitions taken from the online Urban Dictonary.

Mandals: *

sandals, particularly of the leather strappy european nature, worn by russian, gay, or fashionably misled men.

His mandals match his man purse.

Mandals: *
(noun)-man sandal-a men's summer shoe, that consists of black or brown leather that covers more than 50% of the foot, buckles and a thick sole.

On the way down to the shore, one of the buckles broke off of Serge's mandals and he had to use a rubber band to secure them.

Happy Man-dal hunting!

*From http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mandals

FIBs

2009-05-20T09:49:00.010-05:00

This week is really shaping up weather-wise. The projected forecast is for 80s and sun. I will take both with loving arms thankyouverymuch. Also the big Memorial Day weekend is in T minus 3days which is the official kick off to summer. Bags, BBQ, & Beer - what more could a girl ask for.

I have a feeling this summer will be an eye-opener for me. My old summer routine is in the dumps mostly because it was "our" routine. Me and the ex. We had our annual events all planned everything from concerts, camping music festivals, 4th of July trip, crashing friend's lake houses...and it was all a blast. My weekends were always filled with little trips and getaways and I loved it. And now, I will definitely miss it. For instance, this weekend I would be attending Summer Camp a 3day camping music fest which features bands which aren't necessarily main stream, they are more-or-less hippy stream. It hurts, just a bit.

But I have bigger and better things to look forward to. I just haven't figured them out quite yet. So far my plan is limited to 3 things: biking, kayaking the Chicago River (at least once), and crashing lake house parties.

For those of you who don't know, a FIB is a kind name that was bestowed upon us from our neighbors to the North (thank you Meth-consin) and to the North-East (Michigan). A FIB is a Fucking Illinois Bastard. This term is mostly directed towards the Chicagoans and those who live in the Chicago-land-area. The reason, simple: We attack in the summer. Their side of the lake is cleaner, not to mention they have other lakes nestled in everywhere. And its only 1-3hrs to get there. So we invaded. Buying houses to store our boats, ski-dos and other fun things in order to get our party on. And we're called bastards? Way to forget that we bring the revenue to the towns every summer. And you're welcome...you jealous assholes - I mean, our friendly neighbors.

Anywho, that is neither here nor there. The point is this: If you live in Chicago, you need to find a friend that has a summer house on a lake. Its a staple. Necessary for anyone (all ages) to enjoy a Midwestern summer. And although I've lost my signature summer routine, I still have the ability to get my lakehouseon. Luckily for me, HLo's bf has a house and he will be having the first summer kick off next Saturday. And I just got my invite. Which I will have to take. His parties are sick and typically are a mess of drinking debauchery mixed with some sunning & water. Plus HLo got this new toy: Hello Lover!

I know, you're jealous. Your mouth is agape & you're drooling a little. Its ok. I understand.

With swim suit season rapidly approaching - yea it caught up with me - I have decided to hit the gym again. Ok, I did it for 2 reasons really: to attempt to avoid some of that commuter traffic home, and to kick mother nature in her ass. For some ungodly reason, Mother Nature has smacked me with the puberty stick. I have acne...well, 2 huge monsters growing out of my chinny-chin-chin. Blasphemy! That bitch. I definitely blame her, not the fact that I ate my weight in french fries, gave some slobby knobs drunk without the proper face washing etiquette afterwards, and found myself waking up in puddles of drool several times the past several weeks. Luckily things are looking up on that front. I miss my real gym...the office gym is full of uglies. Even though my old gym wasn't a beauty pagent either - it was full equipt with the people that wear jeans or flannel to work out, or the 80s leotards. It was awesome really. And it was at least comfortable (I could get away with my tshirt & capris in comfort) and had updated equiptment. However, on Monday I did spot 1 cute guy at the office gym who commented on my shirt*....potential drinking buddy...maybe.

As for C - he can suck it. I'm a little over spinning my wheels right now and yes, it is likely that I have over-analyzed everything to the point of making my recollection of events now unreliable. I broke down and texted him last night since I hadn't heard from him. ANNOYING. Asked him out AGAIN. ANNOYING. He responded but it was lame. ANNOYING. Then the combination of the perfect weather got me thinking this morning that we should do a Sox game tonight instead of dinner because who doesn't love baseball (and some of those asses that fill those pants!), beer, & hot dogs on a warm night?!? His response: a repeat to the question, "to go to the game?". YOU'RE A MORON C. YES. But I just said "yes". No response yet. I'm getting over it...over him...or maybe I'm just premenstrual. Its probably the later...

*The shirt is a gift after you complete "The Rail". The link is not mine but the only thing I could find on the matter. This night was a completely different story...

Sappy Sunday

2009-05-18T11:40:00.004-05:00

This weekend was totally random and quite honestly a little boring. But before I get to that I will give the dirt on #2...and the dirt really ain't that dirty....

At the work function last Wednesday the boss (aka #2's daddy-kins) was there and in full force once the bar opened. Everyone from my office was at the same table and the conversation turned to people's lives & their kids, as they tend to do. #2 no longer lives in the condo high rise in the Loop anymore as g-ma is reclaiming it. He has found a pad in Wrigley. Also, per the big guy, #2 (and I quote) is "unattached" which was followed by a long chuckle. Eventually the conversation turned to me and my new apartment...and the proximity to Wrigley. As we all know the boss brought his son to the boxing match in the hopes we would hit it off, so I am really curious if #2 will "find out" that I moved to the city and give me a buzz. We shall see...Now, back to the weekend recap.

I guess my weekend really started on Thursday when Dani came down to check out the apartment after work. We hung out at my place with a bottle of wine and some appetizers then walked the street to find a restaurant for dinner. We ended up at this cute Italian place that has outdoor seating. Did more drinking and than actual eating. The waitress was kind enough and started bringing us free shots - it was then when we started questioning how high our bill was because not just everyone gets free shots. The shots were some Italian speciality - to me it tasted like a lemon head after all of the sour was sucked off. Delish.

We hung around there for a while (receiving more free drinks & shots) then thought a night cap at the place across the street was in order. I drank a bottle of wine there, harassed the owner to speak in Italian to Dani (she's from Sicily) and then inspected the food that the guy ordered next to me. What can I say it looked & smelled great! Plus he was the wine distributor for the place and at the time I though I'd get to walk away with a free bottle. No such luck. Finally we left, leaving my debit card behind, and I was apparently semi-incoherent once we got back to my place. Dani, the responsible one, was able to drive home and used my GPS to do so.

Throughout the entire evening I was harassing C via text - initially asking if he'd want to meet up, then saying inappropriate vulgar things (abrigded version: i want to f* you & s* you) which got limited responses like: can't, food coma, I'm tired, work tomorrow, etc.

Friday I woke with a start on the couch and had to throw my still drunk ass in the shower. I was able to remember to grab my laundry since I'd be heading to the p's house after work for some quality time with my sister. Work was long and EVERYONE was in the office which was a shock. The big boss even came to me bright and early to discuss a claim matter. I was able to hold my own but if he could tell I was semi drunk/semi hungover he didn't mention it. Work was work, a little less busy than before. Friday hung with the fam, dropped my sister off at her tour bus (Tupelo, MS bound!) then put myself to bed.

Saturday I ran errands with my mom and made a couple of purchases for the apartment: a rug and swagy drapes for the front room. I loaded my car with a bar table/chairs, a poster and my bike then was on the road by 1. Me, a sweaty non-makeuped yesterday clothed girl walked up to my apartment in the middle of a party. It was definitely shameful. Luckily I was coming in the back since I was unloading my car and didn't have to physically walk through the party but I was there and made eye contact with several people. No "hello"s since I was too far away but I'm sure there will be time for that when I'm prepared. I spent Saturday putting together my apartment and cleaning. Then I felt like a loser - the party outside was in full swing and I sensed there was some flip cup action being had. So I read, then when the party died down I watched a movie.

Sunday I slept in and then finished my book. Then I did my nails while watching The Notebook and drinking a bottle of wine. This, was no good and fed into my insecurities with the party people and the fact that I had not heard a peep from C. Nothing. Nada. I decided on Friday that I would refrain from contacting him since I had been abusing my texting previlages all week, but I was hopeful that he would contact me. I'm guessing he needed a break from me and just didn't want to hang out this weekend.

Anywho, after crying during the movie and finishing up that bottle, I confirmed my feelings as a loser and continued my sappy Sunday marathon with Sex & The City. Again, probably not the best idea. It was a lot of drunken self reflection bull: why can't I meet my Mr. Big? why does that happen to me? why hasn't he called? Which we all know is total bs and in the light of a sober day is stupid girl stuff that is not true. Needless to say I put myself to bed around 9.

Today is a new day - and its sunny, much like the weekend was. I plan to hit the gym tonight in order to skip the traffic home. I need to rely on endorphens that don't just come from sex and the gym is another three letter word that can do that.

The blog that will never end...

2009-05-14T16:00:00.002-05:00

I know, THIS following the longestbloginhistory. But its just a quick update - I finally checked the text. Well, I called Dani over to open it & read it first, then read it to me, then I read it for myself. It was much ado about nothing. Actually his text was just as ridiculous as mine. Dani says worse, and that we are the perfect match. I guess we're both 40 year olds stuck in 20somethings when it comes to texting. Whatever works!

OH and tomorrow I'll have to dish on the gossip I got about #2 from his daddy - I mean, my boss...

Responsibility...and other shameful anecdotes

2009-05-14T11:23:00.009-05:00

In my life I am very responsible. I pay all of my bills on time. I am punctual for work and rarely (if ever) call in sick. I am conscious of the others around me. Then...put a few drinks in me and these things tend to be put on its head. I am not a responsible drunk.

In all reality, I am pretty responsible even when intoxicated. Or at least I really try to be...at the beginning of the night. I give my friends things that I typically loose to hold for me. I single out at least $10 cash for a cab ride so I don't spend it. I always make it to the toilet to puke.* This all sounds good on paper, except when it comes to the intake of alcohol. I have no off button. I can never have just one. And this tends to lead to bad or awkward scenarios.

Out of college I got a job where I interned - everyone got a job at this place after they interned so the staff was between the ages of 21-26. Which led to a lot of happy hours. And excessive drinking/partying. What I am about to share is probably one of my worst moments which had to be pieced together by friends. Now looking back I can almost laugh at it, mostly because I actually survived without being thrown in jail.

After the summer outing at the outdoor horse track it was decided to continue the party at the local bar. Several hours later, I found myself in this bar with fancy dressed Asians attempting to get a drink. Moments after I was escorted out by police and what looked like circus staff to be questioned. I had crashed a wedding at a hotel, one block away from the track.

Immediately the water works were on - I was confused, didn't have my purse or phone, and apparently my car was parked in the front of the hotel with the ignition on. Luckily the hotel manager did not press charges and the officers went bye-bye (after they moved my car and gave me my belongings from it). And while the staff fed me water I, by the grace of God, was able to remember S's phone number to call for a pick-up. Granted it was a hysterical call. And it was her parent's house number. Needless to say waking up in a hotel is interesting. Between S coordinating with the ex my ride (who btw sucked - refusing to get me initially) and me staying at HLo's so she could drive me to my car the next morning, this was not one of my finer moments.

And there are others, most not so desperate or terrible. Those moments are typically funny and more light hearted but some may still have that moral hangover lingering the next day due to embarrassment. But who doesn't have those stories? Everyone I know does...even the good ones have those stories.

Anywho, things have definitely gotten better and officially last night I had a major break through: I stopped drinking so I could make it home.

Yesterday there was a work function. And as we know from past experiences I tend to keep the party going. I however only had 2, count them: 1, 2 glasses of wine! Success! I had arrainged to stay at HLo's since she lives very close to this function but I didn't need to. On purpose. The wine was oh-so-good but I restrained. Granted should the group have wanted to stay another 20min, restraining would have been a tad more difficult but I was determined not to sleep : 1) on the couch, or B) in my car, then be forced to wear the same clothes to work the next day - its a little telling.

But those 1-2 glasses of oh-so-good wine did give me a little buzz and driving home (buzz driving is not drunk driving!) I made my second attempt at sexting to C. Which I have come to find out is socially awkward and pathetic coming from me. Oh - did I not share the utterly SOBER embarrassing sext from earlier this week?

Rewind to Tuesday. Work sucks. I'm swamped and stressed. I need a stress reliever. The light bulb pops on revealing the answer in big bold letters: "S-E-X". Perfect! I will text C to see what he is up to tonight, but I will tempt him with sex. Great idea, right? I however am way to literal and manage to write this: lets have sex tonight k? Followed by: i don't mean to smother you but my head is in the gutter today. Um, hello?!? Totally lame right? I see that - no, actually I SAW that immediately after I hit the send button. He did reply & yes, we met up later - it was a sleepover on a school night.

Back to the drive home last night. Normal texting with C, then when the textersation was at its end I decided one more should do it. I'll sext, right? But make it better than the day before.

Ok, what I am about to share is utterly embarassing (the booze made me do it!) but there is a bigger picture here which I will selflessly use as an example to show others who also struggle with the idea of "sexting" on what not to do.

To you socially awkward texters I say this: Please don't do it. Even if the sext is well thought out, its really not. Its dumb. And probably really awkward. It does not sound as good to others as it may to you. Let sleeping dogs lie - especially if you are not even a dirty talker during sex then sexting is not for you.

Ok, here we go...
**Me: have you ever had one of those moments when you're day dreaming about recent late night activities & it catches your breath?

Immediately after hitting "send", reality of lameness smacked me in the face and I speed-dialed S. The first thing I told her was my mini-triumph of stopping the wine intake & not lying in a ditch drunk. She was proud. Then I told her my recent attempt with the text. She was not proud. She laughed (as did Dani today when I told her, and like you probably are right now). It was determined immediately that I either needed to stop the attempts asap, or use S as my sexting training wheels until I'm able to go out into the sexting world on my own.

I may lean towards the first solution. But in all reality, I will likely get buzzed again and try it out - the next time I'm prepared to share my attempts with S and if she approves it then I can send it to C. S is aware & has agreed to take this responsibility on full throtle, no matter what the content. Currently, she has nothing to worry about since I am so absolutly lame. But maybe, just maybe I'll improve and she'll be regretting this offer.

After we hung up I had a reply from C. Which I was too embarassed to open. So I continued my drive home. Then found open containers of port-wine cheese & wheat thins to stuff in my mouth, followed by a fudgcicle in order to keep my hands busy and avoid whatever was waiting for me on the other side of that inbox....

I have yet to open it. We're going on 17hrs now. Call it embarassment, shame, perhaps a combination of both but I am not ready to see what type of response is waiting. I'm sure he was like "wtf?" "idk" "stop texing me".

So, we'll see what transpires the rest of this week with regards to him and all of that. Tonight however I don't have to worry since Dani will be coming out after work to get our drink on - I MEAN so I can give her a tour of my new place & neighborhood. And tomorrow I'm back in the 'burbs for a farewell dinner with the fam since my sis is hitting the road again. All of this stuff will keep my mind otherwise occupied and away from this situation I find myself in. I'm a baby, I know it. But I'm just too embarassed to look in that inbox. I'll have to have someone do it for me first...

*I'm a "puke 'n rally" type of girl and its been that way since high school. I blame the shots of Skoll vodka in college as well. And to be honest, only 1x time this didn't work out. But batting 1 out of about a million is pretty damn good. I will now pat myself on the back thankyouverymuch.

**I know SOMEONE has to know what I'm talking about here, right? Its like a mind & body experience. So great, unless you're having it right next to someone like your grandma but otherwise a generally appreciated moment. Maybe something like that would have come off better if I said it to him post-nookie....probably not

Ode to My Straightener

2009-05-12T11:52:00.011-05:00

A Series of Short Haiku's

Ahem....

where were you before
the mid 90s needed you
those pictures scare me

introduced by M
no more nappy fuzzy hair
you showed me the way

genius invention
smooth, sleek, shiny, controlled hair
without, i can't live

I could go on.....BUT is there anything you want to Haiku about?

Perhaps that toilet seat cover for the port-a-potty on a hot summer day while at the local hippy fest? Maybe standing to the left of a friend that just got goosed with bird poop?

Or if you have no imagination, you can read others

*Its supposed to 5-7-5. I think I did it. At least in MY head I did...unless I didn't, in which case I need to walk into the closest 1st grade classroom asap.

The Weekend Update....

2009-05-11T11:19:00.005-05:00

This weekend contained a lot of drinking. Even this morning I feel the residual effects of the booze. What can I say, this old body of mine does not handle the post-drinking side effects very well anymore. It typically takes about 2days for me to feel normal again, longer if I was consecutively drunk 2+ days in a row. And today, my body hates me. Happy Monday to me.

Thursday included a multitude of cocktails (black cherry/sprites to jack&cokes) and the occasional shot of Rumplemen's. This tends to explain that.

Friday was Mom's Day wine tasting with the girls and their moms. It was a huge hit! After the tasting a group of us went to a local tiki-inspired bar. The moms dug it and ordered shots - even taking a shot-ski! It was hilarious. Us girls knew our mom's would hit it off. We all have drinking/partying problems aparently...must be genetic

Saturday we celebrated the May birthdays at my new place. A, T & M are all about a week apart and with wedding season breathing down our necks it was the only free time this month everyone could get together. Cocktails & appetizers at my place then we headed up the street to the local mexican joint. I drank my weight in Margarita's - with extra tequilla, thankyouverymuch - then convinced everyone it would be a good idea to head back to my place to test out my new shot glasses with some Mango Liqour. It was after this when I "woke up" in the bar around the corner then planned to meet up with C, snagging a ride from M's boytoy.

Apparently I unloaded my entire purse giving everything (yes, EVERYTHING) to C to hold in his pockets while at the bar...which he actually did! I just have the faint recollection of thinking I lost my keys (or cell or gum, or camera....) but he would pull it out of his pocket. I know that I tend to loose things when I'm three sheets to the wind, but to unload on C and that he actually took it all makes me want to pee my pants with laughter. And I almost did Sunday morning when he was telling me all about it.

Sunday morning was a little rough (read: I was very hungover). C got dressed & was out the door about 30seconds before the fam walked in for our Mom's Day celebrations. While my sister & I felt the pains from the night before, my mom was ready to celebrate - a bottle of wine later and two beers at the bar she was feeling pretty damn good. After they left, I snuck in a nap then C & I grabbed dinner and at each other until 10ish.

All in all it was a fantastic weekend. I got to spend quality time with the fam, with the girls and with C.

I know - C & I hung out like 4days in a row! Yay for having sex regularly! Not to mention the fact that I am SUPER smitten with him.

Can a "Ken" date a "Skipper"?

2009-05-11T10:04:00.013-05:00

+ = ?????

Laying next to C after another rousing session on Thursday night it dawned on me - he is a gorgeous guy...almost too gorgeous. He's blond, blue eyed, thin, cut, tall. He is my own real life Ken Doll (but with an actual package). And here I am, more like a Skipper Doll, but probably not as thin.

Dunken word diarrhea got the best of me in this almost perfect moment: Are you faking with me? Puzzlement washed over C's face and he asked me to explain what I meant. It was at that moment when I was finally snapped out of drunken dialog and realized I had no real clue how to explain myself - this was a personal fleeting thought not meant for him to hear or know. I tried to get out of it by brushing it off but his gaze became intense and he begged me to explain. But I couldn't put it into words. How to you tell someone that you almost feel inferior to their beauty, smarts, drive, passion? How can you say: I don't get what you see in me?

Oh, but I tried to verbalize it. It included a lot of stammering, a lot of um's & buts. I even gave my little Mattel analogy. And all the while we were still naked, spooning and basking in the glow of great sex less than 10min prior. You would think I could finagle my way out of this annoying situation that I myself created, but no. He face fell and he looked upset and hurt while I was busy digging that hole deeper and deeper. Eventually he dropped it, kissed me and said he was sad I couldn't see in myself what he sees in me.

I never though of myself as that girl that fishes for compliments or has an inferiority complex. But I have never dated a guy that is this perfect on paper and so far in person too. I guess I'm waiting for that other shoe to drop.

Luckily my crazy verbal diarrhea did not deter Ken, I mean C, from hanging out the rest of the weekend. We met up on Saturday night in Wrigley and grabbed dinner Sunday. Nothing was brought up about this again. Although it did seem as if he was even more attentive and giving out compliments more than usual. It was nice, not overkill but I hope things get back to normal asap.

Drained

2009-05-07T07:16:00.006-05:00

Thank goodness its Thursday. Tomorrow I don't have to work and I am relishing in the thought of sleeping in. I deserve it. The move went very well, but I have been going non-stop since Friday: shopping, cleaning, organizing, commuting, working. I am just so drained right now. Case in point - falling asleep at 8:30pm on the couch while reading. I now realize why people take a day off work to move.

I just don't have it in me to write a well rounded post so here is a list of things that I have learned this week:

*Having sex instead of grocery shopping, although it may seem like a good idea at the time, really f's up your food for the week
*Living on vending machine food may seem appealing at first but in all reality after day 2 it is not that great
*Scrubbing the bathroom with bleach products is necessary but be sure to leave the exhaust fan on
*Eating mac n' cheese and drinking a beer is not always white-trashy, even if you are doing it alone
*Even though you look like Norman Bates from Psycho, hand washing dishes with gloves on will save your hands
*Slip covers tend to look like loose skin if not smoothed & tucked in between the cushions
*Pot holes disappear when it rains
*There is no such thing as a reverse commute
*One must know the Cubs home game schedule, especially the evening games
*Check locations of street lamps near the bedroom window before your first night
*Drinking beer while doing dishes makes it actually seem like fun
*Buying decorative throw pillows is not as easy or exciting as you'd think
*The Swiffer Wet-Jet saves lives
*Walk-in closets are just as great as they seem
*Cable is not over-rated
*Hard flat sandals, although they look hot are not necessarily the best footwear for city walking
*Riding the bus isn't scary, at least at 6pm on a Tuesday
*Having a sex drawer is amazing
*A boy that likes you will help you unpack/clean/set up things
*Emailing said boy about work stuff is probably not the best idea; it is likely that he will not respond
*The Piano Man is Billy Joel
*Having your TV stand be an empty box isn't as terrible as becoming broke trying to furnish an apartment
*I have a major attraction to the color red
*Using a screw driver to put up curtain rods does not work and creates unnecessary holes in the walls.
*Older refridgerators make interesting noises
*All stoves/ovens don't have push buttons near the clock
*I don't know how I survived college
*Living alone is worth every penny

Really?

2009-05-01T15:52:00.004-05:00

Beep.....Beep.......Beep

I have a text message waiting! My heart is racing with excitement that C had a moment between his jam packed week for work and moving that he thought of me!

Digging....digging through the drawer in my desk that holds my purse...through the pocket that holds my phone...new text messasge confirmed!

I flip open my phone and the excitement turns to worry...its the ex: "wrote you on facebook"

Really? REALLY? We haven't spoken in months - mostly due to the fact that I could not take his whinning about hanging out and taking him back any more. He broke up with me. And I'm sorry he regrets his decision, but I had moved on.

The last time we spoke I told him I was dating other people, which at that time was #2. And let's face it, it wasn't dating. It was fucking, but no need to break his heart. Needless to say the ex did not make any attempt at communication since he found out I was "dating" and honestly, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Although I still think/care about him, there is no need to keep a totally open line of communication or hang out. There is no point.

Login to Facebook. Inbox (1). I clicked on it:

"hey, have not talked to you in awhile. i hear you are moving soon. tell me about it?? new job as well?? i am hoping to move out june 1st with andy in the city, probably lincoln park area. little worried about living with him because of his money situation, so have to find something reasonably priced. i would love to catch up sometime though..."

Fuck. Really. Did this just really happen right when things were going so well. When I was moving to the city. Now we'll be even closer than we were living in the 'burbs.

The anxiety has increased. I have this looming over me now, on top of the big move this weekend. I have no clue what to write back. I don't want to see him. I don't want to fill him in. I was finally comfortable with all ties being severed....

Although they never are. His friends still text & email me every so often. The ex & I are still friends through Facebook, so of course he can see all the people writing on my wall about the move and stalk my going-ons. His mom just emailed me a month ago telling me about her trip to Vegas and his sister-in-law emails me with updates on her pregnancy. I have only severed ties with him, and as much as I hate the thought of it - of loosing 6 years of relationships - its time to sever them all. I just hope I'm strong enough to do it.

Circus

2009-04-28T11:10:00.003-05:00

I am lucky enough to not be an only child. But for the past several years I have practically become one. Its something that I have taken for granted - having that one other person to rely on or take advice from or to just goof off with. I miss it.

My sister is in her late twenties and is polar opposite from me: she is a spunky risk taker who has broken a lot of hearts. She is not always the most reliable or responsible person which can cause a lot of tension but really, her lease on life is something that I admire...and at times can really hate.

For her, college didn't work out. She went to State but got the boot for poor grades after her freshman year. A is actually really smart, but is a party animal which has gotten her into trouble more than once. After that hiccup she went on to making big bucks at an investment firm then she decided to go to culinary school in her mid twenties. After graduation she packed up and moved to Hawaii.

Well, she didn't actually move there. She got a job on the cruise line that island jumps, working form the bottom (peeling potatoes) to the top (Sous Chef). After a year on the ship - and just before we were able to take advantage of her family discount - she packed up and headed home. Without any prospects lined up or connections she was able to land a gig at a local fine-dining establishment within a week of her return. After 2yrs of being fed up with male dominated kitchen and lack of respect she walked off her job and a mere 5 days later was on a flight to Atlanta joining our favorite crazy blond pop-star's tour as a chef. And now that tour is coming to Chicago. And I will be backstage soaking it all in.

I am most excited for some sister time - I took off work and plan to hang out with her during the day before the show. To see what she has been doing these several long months, put faces to names, and to actually see how happy she is with this job since she sounds extremely happy on the phone. Then it will be time to party - I took off tomorrow too just for this specific purpose.

This tour wraps up next week, then A will be home for a whopping 7days before hitting the road as executive chef for a different band. She says that she'll have more freedom to come home for this next tour but I doubt it. I guess she'll have to twist my arm to go out and see her...back stage...again.

Yo!

2009-04-24T19:35:00.003-05:00

I'm a drunk bitch. Its 7:30 on Friday and Im alone...yet i'm finishing my 1st bottle of wine & plan to open a 2nd. Is this wrong? Should I be worried about my impending move to a 1 bdrm?

I was off work today - a perk of the job, only have to work every other friday. The p's are in FL (as is my bff S, & C - supposidly for work but he is in Miami which is naughty deliscious fun) so I have the house to myself. So far i went for a bike ride this morning - writing a note of what i was wearing & what time i left just-in-case. I have no one looking out for me until Monday - its time to be safe. Don't think "she's a nut" because not only are my p's out of town, ALL (yea, all 9...lame, i know I only have 9) of my firends have plans this weekend so there will be no calls. The note was the "just in case" because i wouldn't be found dead or missing until MOnday when I didn't show for work and i wnated to give a hint of where to look....

Ok, craziness aside. Can you trust someone who travels for work?

I rode my bike this morning - it sucked. I was against the wind & going up hill most of the time. It was torture. I think an old guy on a bike passed me up. AND there was a worm that ended up on my gears. Ick. It was as if he was staring at me. After the bike ride I decided i would start a new book ("Duma Key") & get some sun. I'm red. A lobster. But the best part is that I have a terrible "beater" tan. From the bike ride. And the sweat has made white blotches on my hands, not to mention the CamelBak doo-dads made white marks on my shoulders...which were not corected when I laid in the hot Chicago grass this afternoon. Dumb. Luckily the 2 weddings i'm in arent' until the fall - this needs to be fixed.

I'm sorry my fav movie is on "across the universe". I heart beatles songs and it is just a great history lesson of american culture (i know beatles are from england but it is about american kids + 1 brit).

and i'm ready to open that 2nd bottle.

and i want to dirty text c so he doesn't do anything stupid in Miami. so far we are still on for hanging out tomorrow.

i have a couple of drafts that are way better than this in the works. let's just say that you'll want to tune in on wednesday for sure....

Damn i am that drunk bitch...

Did i say that i tried to invite everyone over tonight - well, i did. they all had plans. with thier husbands. or fiance's. or boyfriends. sometimes it sucks to be single in a couples world....

jd...out....

D8ing

2009-04-21T14:29:00.008-05:00

Being newly single I have realized how much things have changed with dating. In my past relationships there was a set protocol on how things worked: you met, he called, you talked for hours then you dated. But things are not as they were 6+ years ago. Granted I no longer am the phone talker that I was in my high school/early college days - now there just isn't enough time (or patience) in a day to spend 2+ hours on the phone with one person. I get and embrace that.

C is a text messager. I have no particular qualms with this - its nice to know during the work day that he is thinking of me...but we haven't actually spoken to each other for over a week. Last Thursday was a text message day, then on Saturday, then again last night. All without a follow up phone call. When it comes to dating, what are the texting rules?

To me, texting while dating is confusing. I want a little more. I want to engage in an actual conversation to gauge your personality through your voice influxes. I want to ask you questions about your day, or week, or weekend. I want to connect verbally with you, not just through the written form - especially while we're first dating and still trying to get to know each other.

Texting does not lend any of this to the dater. There is something lost while using this technology - quips aren't as funny, conversations are stifled, too much thought (or not enough) is taken between texts, there is no mutual sign off. Frankly, its just not as natural.

Take last night's texting for example with *my internal dialog*

C: What does your week look like? We should try to grab dinner or something
*Yay! He wants to go out...did he really just ask me out through text again?

Me: I'm free thurs fri sat
*Crap, did I just say I was free ALL weekend. That looks lame. Whatever it is only Monday

C: K, I have some meetings in FL at the end of this week. I get back Sat afternoon...we could shoot for that
*FL? Interesting - for work I'm assuming. So are we hanging out or not, what if he is too tired... How do I put all of this in a text...

Me: Ah jealous even if it is for work. Sounds good
*Pretty curious about this trip. I wonder...

C: Yea it could be in worse places. I still hate traveling

END SCENE

Now I'm left with an interesting text-ersation and a million questions: Does he actually hate traveling or does he just hate traveling for work? Does he travel often for work? Maybe he's scared of flying? If he's getting back Saturday will he be too tired to hang out? Will he call when he gets in? When is he actually leaving for this trip?

Besides being left hanging on several issues, there are also times when you just can't let your personality shine through. On Saturday he texted me from the Cubs game. I made some quip about him being a free loader (his friend has season tickets) then had to add "j/k" to it just to make sure he understood. I mean, that line would have been much better delivered verbally, and yes, I wanted to hear him laugh and not read "lol".

When should the line be drawn with text messaging? Is it the guy's way of keeping you at a distance or do they genuinely have no clue?

I Googled it. The issues is pretty split. There are articles written by guys say no to texting while other say yes. Same with the ladies. I guess it all comes down to personal preference. So, the next time he texts to make plans my response will include the request for a phone call.

The Smell of Worms

2009-04-20T07:04:00.011-05:00

Ah April. Spring weather. Green grass. Rain. Worms. And lots of them. Walking out the door this morning the pungent stench of worms smacked me in the face. A mix between uncertain wetness, fishing, and some type of metal - perhaps iron.

I have never been a fan of worms. Long ones. Fat ones. Skinny ones. Short ones. Active ones. Dead-looking ones. I am an equal-opportunity worm hater. I was the kid that squealed and ran the opposite direction when the dirty kid picked them up to show me. To this day, they still give me the heeby jeebies. I find myself jumping around them and walking on tippy-toes saying in a high pitched voice "eek" when getting to the car or walking along the side walk. Mature, I know.

WARNING: When Googling "worm photos" be careful on what you wish for as it can get a little grotesque & scary.

********************************************************************************

On another note, I had a very productive weekend. My room is officially packed up - all things boxed and labeled. I thought the junk drawer held all of my treasures - I was wrong. I have 4 shelves on the walls that held its fair share of crap - I mean, memories. Not to mention the little nooks & crannies that I forgot I stashed stuff.

It was a headache. And dirty. And a little tense at times. 3 bags for garbage. 3 bags for Good Will (from clothes to a large Captain Morgan's Bank Bottle). 8 large boxes designated for elementary school/junior high, high school, college, costumes, books. The boxes will be staying at the parent's house until I move into a larger place, and one that I actually own.

All that is left to go through is the jewelry boxes (circa 1992 - present) and the photo collection. Then it is time to actually pack the things that I am bringing with me which will be a piece of cake.

I did find myself digging through the garbage to pull out all of the love notes/cards/mementos from the ex. I decided I would keep a shoebox to store these - I am just not ready to give them up yet. It will just be stored at the parent's with the others for now until I'm ready to decide what, if anything, to do with it.

Ah...Boys

2009-04-17T11:15:00.003-05:00

Us Chicagoans have been lucky enough to encounter a streak of actual spring weather. Thursday through Saturday is projected to be sunny, clear, and warm. Compared to the icy rain and 30degrees a mere 4 days ago, anything over 45degrees is considered a win. But being in the actual 60s and 70s is an act of God. Its just plain exciting. And after the mounds of snow that were dumped on us this past winter we're all itching to get back outside.

Which brings me to my interesting texting with C yesterday. It was the first real form of communication since the "date" on Monday/Tuesday morning*. To set this up, yesterday it was 65 and sunny. The context is a little lame but there is a bigger idea here that he totally missed...asking me out Friday night (today). Let's see if you smart readers can grasp this wonderful set up that I put before him and that he didn't catch on to...

Here we go:

C: What a nice day! Hope your near a window and not stuck inside

Me: I'm loving it! Have the best view in the office. Can't wait to get out of here to actually enjoy it. Hopefully you're not stuck in your car.

C: I was for a bit but at least I can throw the windows down! Got big plans for this great weather?

Me: Not really, maybe a run or biking? You?

C: Nope...just got to the gym & then maybe chill outside somewhere

Me: And to think that tomorrow is going to be even better

C: I know, I know...the fact that its Friday makes it almost perfect!

Me: Perfect for tapas & sangria

C: That is very specific but it does sound good

Hello?!? C, that was your cue to ask me out. It was spoon fed. Hand delivered. Out there for the taking. Yes, yes I know he might already have plans or whatever. I know he is going to the Cubs game on Saturday. But that just means a day of binge drinking with a little bit of baseball thrown in the mix. No one needs to be rested up for that, or worried about being hung over from the night before. BUT COME ON! To not even broach the topic of plans for Friday night. Gesh. What does a girl have to do here?

Eh, I guess the bright side is that he was thinking of me. And for now, I suppose that is good enough. Its considered a win.

*C texted on Tuesday that Tiny, a Harlem Globetrotter we emailed on Monday, wrote him back.

The Junk Drawer

2009-04-17T08:50:00.006-05:00

The impending move has prompted me to clean up my childhood room. The other day I started with my closet and ended with my junk drawer. Although I thought the closet would be much tougher to sort through, it was the junk drawer that I struggled with.

My junk drawer is the first drawer to my dresser. The drawer is long and thin, perfect for holding pictures, cards, letters, and other random items. It is an accumulation of memories and pieces of my personal history and random paraphernalia. My own personal time capsule.

The trip down memory lane dates as far back to elementary school. Specifically, my bedazzled address book filled with the names of every kid I had a class with - whether we were friends or not. I suppose that is an elementary school thing. If your mom was in any way like mine, you went to every birthday party you were invited to and invited every girl in the class to your birthday party...regardless if they were "cool" or not. I remember the names and faces, some stories about them, and some memories which made me smile and think "what ever happened to [insert name here]?". Its a weird thing, elementary school, because that group of non judgemental friends changes the moment you step into junior high.

This was the best thing I found: my NOW i.d. card. NOW was the every Friday night dance party at one of the schools in the district. You were not cool if you did not go to NOW. Sixth graders getting their groove on with eighth graders. Meeting the people we'd see again in three years at the high school - a little preview if you will. It was part dance, part basketball, and mostly running around with boys. The perfect mix. This was pre-boozing fun. Honest & pure. But looking back at my i.d. card I realized why I always was just "the buddy" of the group - damn was I an ugly duckling! Having grunge be the trend while going through puberty was the likely culprit. Thank you Seattle.

I found pay stubs from my high school gig at the local restaurant. This was great a great job - I worked with all college kids and they loved me. It probably had something to do with the whole jail bait thing. They were essential to getting my party on. They would buy me booze - boxes full of every kind on a semi-monthly basis. There were photos from dances, from football games and parties with friends. Luckily the friends I made in high school remain my closest and dearest friends to this day. Thumbing through the pictures I can see how much we've changed and grown. Its a warm-fuzzy knowing these memories will never be lost since we have each other to keep them alive. Its a blessing. And something that I am grateful for every day.

Sifting through the drawer I finally came to the love letters from the ex. Mixed emotions bubbled up in my chest and for a moment I felt ill. Sad. I was nervous to look at them, let alone touch and open them up to read. Although there weren't many, most written on birthday and valentine's day cards, I had to stop and contemplate what would I do with these now. These heart felt sentaments and memories of how we once loved each other - do they go into the trash? Do you purge these as you did with the bad memories? Aren't they worth more than that?

I ended up reading the letters multiple times, smiling and perhaps letting a tear fall here and there for what used to be and what could have been. I put them off to the side in the undecided section. Should they stay or should they go? I came across other items which were momentos of things we had done: champaigne cork, theater and concert tickets, a brochure. Things I had kept to remember the moments from the very intimate to the very fun. More memories of love and adoration flooded my mind. It was confusing. I know I'm over him. Over our relationship. But coming face to face to what used to be - the love, the adoration, the fun - was overwhelming.

In the end I only kept the i.d.'s and pictures. Everything else got thrown out. What's done is done. There is no more "us". There is no more reason to keep these momentos as there is no longer the idea of a future family to share them with.

I have learned that the junk drawer holds everything but.

Second Guessing

2009-04-16T07:32:00.005-05:00

Everyone does it. But for me there is this innate sense of questioning following any decision. This feeling doesn't discriminate. I second guess things from what I ate to what I bought to what I drank (or how much) to whom I slept with.

Why am I programmed to do this? Is it sheer terror of the unknown?

If you eat a doughnut, do you second guess it? Do you feel you should spend that extra 20min on the treadmill to make up for it? Do I have time for that extra 20min? What if I gain weight?

If you sleep with someone, do you later think - was it too soon? Did I give the wrong impression? Will he call?

Even though at the time of these decisions I am confident in my choice, its that short period of time afterwards that I begin to question it.

This week I think I broke the cardinal rule in apartment hunting. I looked up the new listings in the area where I've already signed the lease. There are places that include parking and are cheaper. I feel slighted, confused. Did I make a too hasty of a decision? Is this the area that I really want to live?

This prompted me to jump onto Google to see what was around. I've done this time and time before and find there is plenty in my neighborhood. But this time, I felt panic. The neighborhoods where my friends live and play is about 2miles away. Walking distance, yes. But in heels? That's a cab ride. Now my thinking is: Did I choose a place too far west? Will they come to my 'hood? Can I really ride my bike around? How will I get to North Ave. Beach in the summer? How will I make this work?

The excitement of having this shiny new apartment is wearing off. I am becoming anxious about this move and am concerned it was a bad choice or wrong location or...

What happened to the high I was feeling less than 24hrs ago?

Will it come back?

I hope so....

You know the Harlem Globetrotters are in town when...

2009-04-14T07:59:00.004-05:00

...you lie about receiving tickets from a vendor - but buy them yourself - so you can plan a date with the boy you like and not feel stupid for wanting to actually go to see the Globetrotters.

Yup. That's me. Embarrassing but true. I'll admit I'm a total lame-o. But hey- it worked! C was all about it on Thursday last week. And last night was game time.

I drove up to his place in Lincoln Park after work. In the rain. In the traffic. But surprisingly it only took 45min. I suppose I should get used to it since this will soon be my commute*. Since the show/game/whatever didn't start until 7pm we had enough time to open up a bottle of wine and relax. By 6:50 we decided to have just "one more glass" before leaving. We were planning on being fashionably late...

We never made it. They were just free tickets anyways, right?
R-i-g-h-t

We killed the wine. Then a heavy-petting-make out-session ensued on the couch. Things progressed slowly and comfortably. X-rated details not included.

Fast forward an HOUR AND A HALF (holla)...

We decide its time to leave the bedroom and get some dinner. After attempting to find our clothes - all strewn about the apartment - whoever got dressed the slowest would have to buy a bottle of wine with dinner. I lost. But in my defense us ladies have way more layers than boys.

Dinner was great. A little wine bar across the street. Mood lighting. Candles. No crowds. It was the perfect setting for chatting and laughing. Then back to his place so I could call the "roommates" to advise I would not be making it home. Luckily my mom answered and between her um-hmm's and ok's I got the feeling she did not approve of my little sleepover. She asked that I call so I did.

The rest of the evening we watched a great concert on TV - Hanson. It was shocking how much we liked it! They were very good - Mmmbop not included which probably helped their set. Then he introduced me to his favorite artists/songs which for the life of me I can't remember now. I can remember it was really fantastic though. And finally he played his guitar for me. It was so perfect. Sweet. Heart melting. C obviously knows what he is doing.

Everything about the evening was perfect...minus loosing $55 on 2 HGT tix we never used. At least it will make a great story if C & I last.

*I got the apartment...for full price but I'm moving-on-up May 1!

Sweet Home Chicago

2009-04-11T11:17:00.016-05:00

I spent six hours apartment hunting yesterday. SIX hours. I saw 12 apartments. From Roscoe Village to the Ukrainian Village. But I think I found it. No, I did find "The One".

Its in Roscoe Village. Near the park. 3 blocks from Roscoe Street bars & shops. Down the street from The Beat Kitchen. And a stone throws away from the busy night life of Wicker Park, Lakeview, & Lincoln Park.

Its a one bedroom coach house with wood floors and a ton of closet space - it would be my first walk in closet! White crown molding. A dishwasher (this is big people!). Its a 2 flat, with one tenant that lives above me. She has apparently been there for over 40 years. This could be good or very bad...

The coach house is separated from the main "house" (read: 3 flat) with a mini backyard sanctuary. A little bit of grass, a bench, flowers. Not to mention the landlord is from Ireland. And since I love accents (plus we'll likely share an affinity for beer) I'm sure we'll get along just fine.

There are only 2 downsides: No parking and the cost. There is street parking but I can only imagine it being my worst nightmare when I can't find parking on a wintry day after a 2hr commute from the 'burbs. Let's keep our fingers crossed that this doesn't happen and I retain my sanity. Now the cost. Its about 100$ more than I want to spend. Doesn't sound like a lot, right? Well, when you're talking $1000/month for rent alone (no utilities included) that means I will be on a tight budget. And this girl is bad at budgeting...especially when drunk at the bars. Somehow that credit card comes out A LOT.

So I put in an offer of $900/month. It may or may not work. The way I think about it is this: if you don't ask you'll never know. The worst he says is no then I either start the search over or suck it up and pay the full amount. But since I would be willing to move in May 1 vs. June 1 it is in the landlord's best interest to meet me at $900 versus loosing an entire month's rent. We'll see what happens. I should hear back by Monday or Tuesday.

Once this is settled, its time to move onto the fun stuff.

UPDATED: ANNOYING - I spent about 10min trying to get this post to actually have paragraph separations. As you can see it didn't work.

2 Weeks Notice - Part Deux

2009-04-10T09:37:00.002-05:00

I decided to stay.

The offer from CompanyA is not something that I could give up. A promotion. Matching the offered salary from CompanyB. Plus I was also able to negotiate for more responsibilities - I will do my every day job plus work on special projects with the different directors and become more involved in administration within my own department. Not to mention the benefits at CompanyA far exceed CompanyB's. Hello, every-other-Friday-off. Oh how I would have missed you.

I suppose it was a no brainer to stay once they guaranteed the raise and promotion. Unfortunately it wasn't confirmed until yesterday. So it was only yesterday that I called CompanyB to advise I wouldn't be there on April 15th. I had to leave a message. And their office is closed today - Good Friday - so they won't get the message until Monday. A mere 2days before I was supposed to start. Eek.

I feel terrible but it wouldn't have been a smart move to advise CompanyB before the CompanyA offered was set in stone. Right?

Now onto bigger & better things. I officially have the funds to make the move downtown. No excuses. So I have fully invested myself in looking for apartments in the city. I have made appointments and plan to move out by June 1. Definitely before my birthday. Being 26 and living at home is unacceptable.

Plus I got the the needed kick in the pants from Wednesday's little voicemail. Thanks Mom.

Its happening. And I'm happy. And I guess, I'm successful.

Holy Shittake Mushrooms

2009-04-08T11:30:00.007-05:00

A voicemail. With attitude. At 7am. On Wednesday. From my mom.

"Hi Jen. Its your mom. Its 7am. Bye"

Shit.

This is a sign that the date went well on Tuesday. Perhaps a little too well considering I all but abandoned my goal and ended up in C's bed, albeit a comfortable one.

We hit it off right away. It was extremely comfortable, like we had known each other for ages. No awkward silences. It was a great start considering my last date - a blind date about a month ago - was a little intense and did not go so well. Let's just say blind dates are not my thing.

C was sexy in his business attire. He ordered a bottle of wine for us at the bar and another at dinner. We ate off each other's plates. Laughed a lot and got to know each other. Dinner ended around 9 but we were both so smitten that we didn't want to call it a night. So we headed to the bowling alley. In his car. And after about a 10min high school makeout session we actually went inside.

"Let's make this interesting. If I win, then I get to take you home with me" - says C

He won. It didn't help that I am terrible at bowling. And I think I played my worst game ever on Tuesday - highest score, 34. Seriously. He did question if I was throwing the game but alas I was not. I simply just suck. Plus he was getting strikes left & right so I had no chance of winning anyways. And I don't think I would have tried if I did have a chance...

He has a great apartment in the city. No roommates. It didn't take us long to make it to the bedroom. We had discussed that there would be no sex. But there were plenty of other things that were done. All very...satisfying. However, it was extremely difficult to stick to the no penitration rule. In the heat of several moments I prepositioned him and he wanted to wait. What a good guy, right? Plus he was so good with his hands that I suppose I can wait too.

I had to call in late for work. But it was well worth it. All in all it was awesome. The entire date, including my slut-tastic ending. I am absolutely head over heels for this guy right now. He has mad potential to be more than just a date, a fling, a fuck buddy. And I think I'm ready - or will be soon- for a new relationship. Its been over 7months since "the break" and I know what I want in a relationship now. I think I will be more apt to stay true to myself and not loose sight of my needs as I did with the ex.

Our next date: Monday. The Harlem Globetrotters are in town. It will be hilarious. And I'll be sure to pack a bag. And lie to my roommates so they won't be calling at 7am the next morning...

The Trolley Diaries

2009-04-06T08:12:00.006-05:00

As promised, here is a brief rundown of Friday night - aka The Trolley Diaries.

The night started off promising. Pre-gaming at bday girls apartment equaled chugging beers and taking Jello Shots. When we walked in the party was already started and I have to admit I noticed C right away. He must have noticed me too (it wasn't hard, the party wasn't THAT big) and worked his way over to me. After about an hour the trolley came and it was GLORIOUS!

On the trolley C took the seat next to me although there were plenty of free ones. We continued our party of Miller Lite, Jello Shots & Birthday songs on the trolley to our first stop: Cans in Bucktown.

It is what it sounds like. You can get practically any type of canned beer - for only $3.50ish. Not too shabby for the Chi. I however am a snob and went for the vodka sodas. They did have the best lanturns however - Modelo cans! 45 min in the bar then I was the first back on the trolley to hit up that free beer.

Next Stop: Redmon's in Wrigleyville. This is considered - no, it IS - the Wisconsin bar. Wisconsin as in University of, in Madison. Shots shots shots. And a lot of potty breaks. There was a small incident - rewind 6mos ago ----

While hanging out with the same group we came to Redmon's. I met this guy who is a friends of one of the girls boyfriends. We hit it off - talking sports, life, careers, etc. The only problem, I was happy clown/sad clown that night. Not all my own doing. The ex's best bud called me and wanted to meet up. He was up the street at a bar that one of our - no, their - friends own. So he came. With the ex. It was so drama (read: my own drama, equals me being happy & sad in the same moment, equals to me hiding in the coat room with the attendant crying). The drama carried over to when they left too. And onto this poor bystander that I was chatting with.

Needless to say we had a drunk makeout session followed by me asking if he remembered my name (name this movie: "what's my name bitch") - which he didn't. Honestly, I don't think I remembered his but it ended with me blowing up and ignoring him the remainder of the evening. Then there was the full blown crazy exit - as I'm getting into the cab I screamed "Maybe you should remember my name next time". Classy. REAL classy.

Ok, back to Friday night - the above guy was there. I did my best to ignore him and was doing great until he got on the trolley with the group. He walked straight up to me, hand out for a hand shake and introduced himself. It was too much. My eyes met L's and we busted out laughing. The next morning I found out from the boyfriend of the girl that he was all set on walking up to me at the bar and saying something (snotty I'm assuming) but he went up to the wrong girl! Ha.

By the third bar Shooters everyone was hammered drunk. The group got split up and half of us were dealing with the birthday girl. I was one of those participants. She was smashed. Unable to stand without assistance. We did our best to salvage the situation - and avoid being kicked out - but the water was not working and even with 2 people holding her up on either side it was no use. She was going down. Every minute. Luckily a good friend of hers took her home after about 5minutes of this. We all stayed though...she's fine. DON'T JUDGE.

It was at this bar that C asked for my number. We discussed hanging out soon - like Saturday. However, on the walk back to a friend's after bar close I was stuck on the fact that C was chatting with another girl in the group too. A ginger - I mean, redhead. So in my drunken stupour I kept saying: "That damn Ginger" about every 5minutes anytime we discussed C & the possible date.

Luckily I was not too hung over the next day - yes I wasn't completely sober for the drive home, but who is the next day. Like I said I was a good girl - no puking (check), no fighting (check, check), no blackouts (check) and no drunk kissing! This is good. Its the first time in a while that I haven't been a drunk lush. I guess I'm getting out of that "I-need-attention" phase. I'm growing as a single girl and becoming confident again.

Saturday afternoon C called. He wanted to go out to dinner that night or anytime before Thursday since he'd be going home (Cincinati) for Easter. I declined dinner on Saturday - no need to rush into things, plus a little anticipation never hurt anyone - and suggested Tuesday. He's calling tonight to go over details and restaurant ideas he has. I think I am overly excited for this since it's the first date-date in a long time. Its not the "oh-crap-we-were-drunk-lushes-and-I-should-probably-hang-out-with-you-sober" type of date.

I'm growing people, I'm growing.

*Disclaimer: I am a huge fan of "The Princess Diaries" (1 &2), thus this is where the title of this post was inspired by. Yes I know I'm 25. But I always stop to watch it when its on tv. I can't help it. It could be worse - I could always stop to watch "Road House" - actually, I do. Whatever, I'm sure you have your own dirty little movie secrets!

Well Hello There

2009-04-04T14:50:00.008-05:00

Clowns. Two. In red curly wigs. Faces painted. This was the view from my car while driving into the city last night after work with L. Due to that Chicago-style traffic we had the pleasant experience of "driving" along side them for about 2miles on the Ike. We were even able to snag 2 photos! The first was without their consent but by the 2nd they were posing! The cars behind us weren't too impressed however since they were laying on their horns while our vehicles stopped for the photo op.

And now, for your viewing pleasure

Last night was great. Trolley pub crawl = best idea ever. And I was a good drunk last night. No blackouts. No puking. No fights. I'll be blogging about it in another post but I will leave you with this tidbit...I have a date on Tuesday. Dinner. With C. And I did keep true to my goal thankyouverymuch.

Loss for Words

2009-04-03T14:31:00.009-05:00

I got nothing. This week has been an emotional roller coaster with the whole job situation that I have nothing of interest to say. So instead of making a well-rounded post I will be posting my random thoughts of the day. Welcome to the inner thoughts of JD. Brace yourselves.

- Sausage. I feel like one. I have been eating myself into food comas most days for the past two weeks + no regularity at the gym. At least I'm only up 5lbs and not the 10lbs I was expecting when I stepped on the scale this morning. Plus, the weight tends to go to my boobs first. I suppose I should wear a low cut top tonight to take advantage

- Poop. Everyone does it. And it is to be expected that it will happen while you're at work. I mean, you're there more than you're at home. But please, please go to the last stall. I don't want to have to walk past your funk 2x's

- Hands. Wash them. I see you. I noticed. You're not washing them. Not with soap. And 5seconds under water doesn't count. I don't want your pee hand germs to transfer to me. Ugh, I guess I'll take that paper towel with me to the door...

- Party. Its the weekend. I survived a 5day work week. Tonight should be fun - trolley pub crawl downtown Chi. Coolers full of beer. Jello Shots. Pub specials. No lines. And no cabs. I'll drink to that...and pass me that strawberry jello shot to boot!

- Rent. Apartments. I'm looking online. Wicker Park & Bucktown area. Found several that are affordable and in the prime party - I mean safety location. I'll have to wait for L to go with me to walk/look around since she knows the area like the back of her hand. I also need to learn how to parallel park...

- Job. Still debating. But I think I'm pretty close to a decision. I will know more on Monday as to what CompanyA is going to do. It would be pretty awesome not to have to give up my every-other-Friday-off. Man, I'm a bastard. Debating between 2 jobs when so many are without. I suck

- Sun. 2 days of it then we're back to square one next week - snow. Will it ever end? Its April for fuck's sake

- Nails. I filed them. At work. I'm so productive

- Cookies. There is always something in the kitchen at work. Yesterday & today cookies. I think I've had about 7 today. 3 for breakfast and 4 sporadically - ok, every time I go in the kitchen/fax room. Shut it. I know I'm not helping the "sausage" situation

- Bachelorette Party. I'm on the planning committee. Have some really good ideas. Sent about 20questions to the bride-to-be to get an idea of what she wants. Jager & Patron shots may not be on her list

- Monday. That's when I'll stop eating crap & get my ass back in the gym. The week is shot anyways. Oh - you got some Swedish Fish? Hand them over. I think I feel my chin growing...

- Vacation. Would be nice to be on Spring Break. Those damn kids have it so easy. Bastards.

- Stop. Please. I don't want to hear about your beanie baby collection any more. Or your fucking guinea pig's surgery. For over 20minutes. I turned my back to you and began working over 10minutes ago. Did you not get the memo? Plus you're over 35 years old. This scares me. And don't crowd the cube. Its made for one

- Sex. Will I be having any soon? No, no. I told myself that I would be good. No #2, plus he hasn't called. But if he did...no. Anyone else? No one. Remember the goal: meeting a boy semi-sober and no sex until after a couple of dates. Fuck. I'm fucked. Wait, no I'm not...damn

- 3pm. Almost there. 1.5hrs left of work.

- Rock.Band. A new proud owner. Right here folks. My "roommates" will be pretty pleased with this. Ugh I have to wait about 15hrs before I can even play! Most likely by myself. I wonder if I should have friends come over to my parents' house tomorrow. Does that sound weird? Am I 12? Yes. Yes I am.

You're welcome.

Unwinding

2009-04-01T21:07:00.006-05:00

"I need a cocktail. Let's be drink/food whores tonight"

This is the opening line to S - my best friend & long standing gym date every Wednesday. She agrees, perhaps begrudgingly since she's on a diet. But there is always a "free pass" card if one of us need it. I needed it. I cashed in.

All guilt fell by the way side when I walked up to S in the new sushi joint in town - she was already seated with a beautiful strawberry-basil mojito by her side...half gone.

"Let's order like we're not planning on going to the gym afterwards" says S

Ah, words that warm my heart. Just what I needed.

We continued our sushi party - 5 rolls ordered, including "fancy" rolls (read: expensive). A special treat since we had a gift card. Delicious.

Several mojitos later...dessert? Yes please. There are a few places in town that are famous. After running the list we make it downtown ('ville, not Chi) and order. A glass of wine later...or two...it comes. We kill it. Its part satisfaction, part guilt. But its only Wednesday, we have 4 days to make it up at the gym.

S is my go-to gal. She is someone I chat with all day during work via email then meet at the gym 2-3 times per week. Not to mention the shopping trips, movie dates, or nights out on the weekend. Today I needed her. She was there. No questions asked. And she knew what I needed. An ear and an opinion. An honest opinion.

I'm struggling with this 2wks notice...I was countered offered and it was good. Very good. A decision I thought was made has been shattered and I'm back at square one. Confused. With a headache. And needing a cocktail - or two - tonight especially in light of the notice and fender bender in the downpour last night - no injuries, a less than 5mph bumper kiss but annoying all the same.

The best thing about the evening was how much I felt she wanted to help. The things we discussed never began with you this, you that. it was always, "we". You may think that is strange but its not. S helps me through a lot. She was the one that held my hand, handed me Kleenex through the "break". But its more than that - our friendship expands more than 10 years. We played Sweet Valley High board games together, watched Shag, traveled together. She is able to help me help myself at times. As I hope I help her. It is a true friendship, a sisterhood.

I think this is what I needed. A drink. A person to vent to. A person that would give an opinion, not say "its your decision, you're an adult". I think we - I mean, I - made a decision. The stress is slowly dissipating. As is that terrible headache.

2 Weeks Notice - Part One

2009-03-30T17:35:00.003-05:00

Its nailed down. In stone. I start with the CompanyB on April 15th. 7:30am. Downtown Chicago. Its happening. 2 weeks. Now all I have to do is give notice...

I'm a little nervous about this. I've done it before but this job has more meaning to me than the last. Probably because I know I'm giving up a lot of perks and some really great people. And let's face it, a pretty cushy job. But even with all of the positives I still feel that this is right move. For me. To move forward. To grow up.

I can already picture what is going to happen. My mental image is not looking pretty. I expect shock from my supervisor and executive director. A closed door meeting. A counter offer. But their money is not their own - it requires approval from the board which I doubt would give it. And I doubt that I would even take it....unless it was a couple thou over what CompanyB is giving me.

Plus when you work with middle age to elderly women they gossip. A lot. In whispers. This is going to spread like wildfire. And more likely than not there will be rumours surrounding it (OMG she was sleeping with the boss' son! - ha if they only knew). Along with dirty looks. I suspect only a small few will actually approach me.

Its final. The resignation letter is written, printed, signed & sealed.

Hopefully my nerves don't get the best of me.

But for now, its time for a celebratory cocktail!

ARGGGG

2009-03-29T01:54:00.005-05:00

A pirate. Me. Not intentionally. But I finally realize this at 1 am while at the bar. Crap. Its been hours. I have on a white & black striped shirt, long black cartigan & a gold chain. I'm fucking Long John Silver. I'm never having sex again. After I realize this, I turn to L with a hand over my eye saying "ARG". After we bust out in laughter, she's in agreement but says "its not THAT bad". Yea right. Crap.

A peaceful evening in the 'burbs turns into another night of hilarity. Nothing TOO crazy but there are nicknames given & laughter at others ensues.

I'm in suburban hell. Yea, I'm not lying to you. The city I live in has turned into a divorce's paradise & we're just the a-holes to watch these cougars. Kill me now. NO, kill them & give their hides for boots! If it were only that simple.

We frequent an 80s bar. Granted, I know it is unlikely that we will be the oldest (thank the lucky stars!) but I never invisioned an invasion quite like this. The cougars are a-prowlin'. Good for them. I'm sure they've been through hell and back and have kids tugging at their tails but shit...leave me with this damn lephrecan next to me?!? Damn ladies. You know I might not have you're swagger but don't snatch up all the guys!

And we were left with the lepard. He was short. Balding. Awkward. Every 2 minutes he would turn to me & L, "What are you ladies drinking?" - yet he would not buy us a new drink. WTF. Eventually L called over two cuties to get the leprechan away. They were 22. Shit. And new to town. Double whammy. We told them the hot spots then exited. Our time here has passed. Til next time 'ville! See you then.

The Plight of the Single Drunk

2009-03-26T15:36:00.008-05:00

Granted, the above statement should be used loosely and with some humor but it probably sums up the past 6months of single-hood for me. Welcome to my life. The life of the single drunk. And no, I am not an alcoholic - thankyouverylittle - but I am noticing a concerning trend.

Single JD. Drunk JD. Let's just say they don't get along all of the time. This I attribute to my new place in life - the third wheeler.

Everyone has their close friends, then their other group of friends separate from the best friend group. I lost my other group of friends - HE got them in the "break". So now I tend to ride the coat tails of my close friends when it comes to nights out.

Now, I know their friends well enough and I'm o.k. with being the only "outsider" while I'm tagging along. But even though I have almost mastered the act of the official third wheeler, there are a few loopholes which I'm finding lead to disastrous drinking...

Loophole #1: I know you, but I don't really know you
Yes, I will catch up with the familiar faces but, let's face it, I only know you on the superficial level. We've only partied together and we're not friends. Conversations are short and require some lubrication...SHOTS!

Loophole #2: A-l-l B-y M-y-s---e----l--------f (sing it!)
There will be times when I'm left by my lonesome. Its to be expected, plus I don't need a babysitter. However in this alone moment, I typically head to the bar making new friends along the way. Oh if not at the bar making friends with the guy standing next to me (or the male bar tender) then you'll definitely find me in the bathroom, making friends with the attendant or the girl in line behind me. We all become fast BFFs...SHOTS!

Loophole #3: Fitting In
What more is there to say...I'll take a double

Loophole #4: Let's Get the Party Started
My little catch phrase: "SUPER PARTY MODE!" tends to get attention and as a newbe of a group shows that I'm fun & outgoing. But it requires shots, and lots of them.

Don't get me wrong, I am a confident firecracker most days but being an outsider does this to me. Once the drinks are a-flowin' I feel more comfortable and am able to unwind a little. And not have the above list be the main focus. As a single gal living in a couples world I'll fully admit to turning to the drink for support at times. Let's see what happens this weekend...

Winter Fling

2009-03-24T15:44:00.003-05:00

I never thought I would be one to have a winter fling of all things...honestly I never knew they even existed; summer flings - yes, winter flings - no. But I guess since its Chicago I can see how the cold weather would make you want to have a little somthin'-somethin' to cuddle up with during all the snowstorms.

This was always one of my most prized stories since it always opens with: "I'm sleeping with my boss' son" Its a good line, always gets lots of laughs. Now however, the story is: "I USED TO sleep with my boss' son". Not so clever.

We met at a work function in October - a boxing match held by a vendor downtown. The boss brought his son - the same name as my ex, so I call him #2. Needless to say I like to throw back a couple after work and have no inner diaglog that says "you should slow down". And since I don't work most Fridays this was the perfect excuse to have a few. #2 & I hit it off which is likely due to the fact that we were the only people in attendance that were in their mid-20s and single. We were both smashed, decided to go bar hopping and ended up having...a happy ending, if you will. My first as being newly single.

It actually wasn't a one night stand. I was shocked when he called the next week. Things progressed but we gave each other space too - not hanging out too much or talking on the phone excessivly. Neither of us wanting to have the boss (his dad) find out or wanting a relationship. It was super casual. Fun. Great sex.

Fast forward to about a month ago...

"You know, I've been talking with other girls but I'm really glad I chose you to hang out with tonight. Its been so much fun" - says #2.

"You've RUINED EVERYTHING!" - me, the crazy drunk girl at the bowling alley (yea, it was the first time since November we actually made it out of the apartment).

Let's just say the remainder of the evening was a wash. We tried to get past it but I was pissed...and very intoxicated. The wheels are spinning: why would he say that? He just ruined the fun I was having! And I know we're not exclusive, but I never wanted to actually have the PICTURE in my head that he was talking/seeing other girls.

"Its supposed to be a compliment" - says #2.

No thanks. Its like saying "You're really pretty compaired to the girl I went out with last night". A back handed compliment. Couldn't he have just said he was having fun and left it at that? PLUS should I kiss your feet because you CHOSE to hang out with me....ego much.

We've barely spoken since. There have been an exchange or two of drunken texts - all started by me of course. And then I realized, I've been played.

I'd hate to take advise from such a stupid book/movie but "He's Just Not That Into You" has a point - you're not an exception, you're the rule. Nieve me thought we were "exclusively" having sex with only the other person. We talked about it, we agreed we would tell each other if we were "seeing" other people that way. He swore on that fatefull night a month ago that I was the only one that he was sleeping with but really, I doubt it.

Now the pieces make sense: 1) we hung out only once per week, on a night that he usually had to stay in due to an early start the next day - typically when he had to work 2) we never left his apartment - we'd order in food, drink, play games, a-hemmm but never went out 3) he never wanted to meet up with me when I was downtown with friends 4) he never wanted to go places I invited him to - he always seemed to have a buddy's birthday party to attend; I think at least 5 between January & March

I'm coming to terms with it. And its my own doing. The problem is, I was actually really really liking him.

OH and this is great: I found out last week from a friend/vendor that my boss told her that he brought #2 to the event in October to meet me in hopes we'd hit it off. If he only knew he hooked up his son in more ways than one...

The Secret

2009-03-23T10:13:00.001-05:00

Has anyone heard of this? It is a book that has been made into a documentary - History Channel style - about the secret to a healthy, happy, and prosperous life. Needless to say my "roommate" got it for me to watch this weekend. She said it would help me with my big decision and perhaps guide me. So I watched it...well sort of since I was slipping in & out of hang-over consciousness.

The Law of Attraction. That is the big secret. You want something, you visualize it and internalize that feeling as if you already have it by envisioning yourself with what you want. Then the universe will bring it to you. There is no time limit on this, it could happen in 30days or in 90. But everyday you must continue to visualize and feel it until it comes to you. You're faith can not waiver, you can not have negative thoughts, not even on one day as it will jeopardize if it will be delivered to you.

My interpretation is that it is a bit of meditation and religion mixed together.

The guy who wrote the Chicken Soup for the Soul books apparently lives by this mantra. He says he visualized making $100k within a year. Then after about a month, the $100k vision came to him - he was to sell copies a book he had already written. Seriously? You're telling me that because you visualized the $100k every day, taking that good feeling into account every morning that you FINALLY realized that you should actually SELL the book you had already written. Hmmm....

I do agree that by being positive you will "attract" more positive attention thus good things will most likely happen or come to you. I am a believer in the "waking up on the wrong side of the bed" mentality. But I'm just not sure I'm buying into the entire "secret" - that the universe will bring your wildest desires and dreams right to your doorstep if you visualize it happening.

So I'm going to try it for 1 month. I'm going to start small, by "attracting" a $2500 gift from the universe...without having to work for it. I will visualize my goal and the associated feeling every morning. I will avoid all bad feelings which may deter the universe from delivering it to me. Lets see if the universe will oblige.

The Great Debate

2009-03-21T08:21:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I have been debating on my next move. Literally. July 4, 2009 is rapidly approaching - Christ, its practically April! 3months left to get my act together. And its not like I've been slacking, I've been coming up with ideas and plans. I practically have my own personal catch phrase - "my new life plan is ..." then I fill in the blank. I've come up with numerous "life plans" ranging from the extravagant and impractical to the downright boring.

I spent most of 2008 looking at condos in the 'burbs and found quite a few that I really liked. But I never had that "A-ha" moment. Nothing felt quite right, nothing fit me. I took a step back to evaluate what I - me, as an individual, as a single professional - wanted in my life. I want adventure, freedom, and mobility which is harder to accomplish while being tied down with a mortgage. The idea of buying a condo got the boot - and yes, I know its a great time to buy. Thankyouverymuch.

Next I was going to London. By 2010. To work, to travel, to just get out there and live a little. The outline of the plan is this: I'll get my visa, apply for 6-12month working contract in my field, find a flat, call a friend, and cross that pond. Totally practical, right? Yea, especially since I've never even crossed the Atlantic before. I did start collecting the necessary documents to apply for the work visa but then...

The FBI is going on a major hiring spree. The answer to my prayers! My ultimate goal in life has been to work as a special agent within the government. Heck, my degree is in criminal justice! I am a card carrying member of the FOID (firearms owner identification) card. I watch Cops, read novels written by former FBI/CIA agents, and debate on taking the L-SAT on a weekly basis for this specific purpose! I applied...for 5 positions. Now the wait is on, applications are open through November then its at least 1-2 years of screening IF I even make it past the application process. Which makes it ideal to remain in the country. Bye-bye London, I'm sorry we never met.

Now I'm Chicago-bound. I always pictured myself in The City - working, living, dating, loving, you name it I want it. My friend S constantly says that I have a major crush on Chicago. And I do.

I have applied for several positions and I actually got an interview. This past Monday, I actually got an offer! I know, even in this economy. Now the debate is - do I take the plunge, knowing I'd be settling for a minor salary increase and slightly worse benefits? Not only that but I find myself doubting the change and questioning everything: If I move out there who will visit me? Can I make it on my own? Will I regret this?

And here I sit, a week later, still struggling with this decision. Why am I so scared?

Hello

2009-03-20T08:42:00.001-05:00

Alright, I caved. I finally have been convinced that I need to blog. It took me 3 years to even sign up for Facebook! Now I'm on twitter and finally an official blog. Unfortunately I'm not a writer and I'll just be blogging in replace of keeping a diary. A diary at 25 is not accepteable, yet blogging is....

Here is a little about me: I'm 25, fastly approaching 26, living in the western 'burbs of chicago...with my parents. I'm a bomarang kid - went to a state college then came right back after graduation, and stayed. I am however getting evicted, July 4, 2009. Independence Day. No joke. The meaning is not lost on me, and my "landlords" chose that date for that specific purpose. I don't hate, I definitely understand. Do you think I'm proud of the fact I still live with my parents? Yea...no.

I have an excuse - at least I use it as one. In college I met this great guy and we dated for 6 years. Just broke it off last August. Its one of those things - its hard to move forward when you're stuck in the present. We knew we weren't on the marriage path, we debated moving in together and buying a place, but in the end it was decided a "break" was needed...unfortunatley this was decided after $1500 trip with his brother and sister-in-law to Costa Rica. Best trip ever by the way, I'd recommend visiting.

What is a "break"? Its a relationshiper's term for being too scared to call it off officially. You want that person in the wings just in case your other flings don't pay off. Right? Its a pussy excuse and anyone thats been in a SIX year relationship might feel slighted by it. What can I say, I still hold a grudge even though it was/is the best thing for the both of us.

Now I'm spiraling down a quater century crisis. B.S. you ask - definitly not. I'm trying to figure out who I am again - six years of having a back up and a second opinion really makes one check themself. I'm officially getting into my groove again but still making the rookie mistakes that should have been sorted out at 21.

This blog will document my crazy antics as a newly single lady in the shadows of a great metropolis. I feel like I'm walking through everything with a blind fold on and I stumble - a lot. Its entertaining to everyone - even my married friends (4 out of 7 - I'm the official bridesmaid, 27 dresses here I come) love it. Why shouldn't you?