Overboard

#2 & I have a "date" set for tonight. Which I find out at 9am this morning. I really was hoping for Friday date so we could sleep in past 5:45am and do whateritisyoudo when you sleep in.

Due to our flurry of suggestive texts - both hinting that we needed to be somewhere close to a bed or really a place with a door we could shut for privacy (privacy see: kitchen, bathroom, closet) - I decided he should come over to my place tonight.

"Let's cook something at my place" I texted triumphantly. Right. Well after he agreed saying he'll call me after work, the light bulb finally clicked on: I have no food. I mean, I have some food but nothing to make and serve an actual guest.

I spent several "breaks" at work online looking for recipes with 5 or less ingredients (I ain't no chef) and could be thrown together within like 45min. But I didn't find one that fit my fancy. I figured I would just go to the grocery store over lunch, see what is out there and make a game time decision.

On my way out the door, I mentioned my lack of domesticity to a co-worker who recommended I keep it simple: steak & veggies. Then she pointed me in the direction of a local butcher shop which has great cuts of meat and some ready-made things. It would make me look like a good cook and really, who hates steak*?

My first visit to a butcher shop without my mom. I did it. And I did it a big. And with a lot of help from the friendly butcher behind the counter.

I mentally planned the meal within one walk through then sought the help behind the counter. I ended up walking out with the following:

- 2 NY strip steaks
- 4 stuffed mushrooms
- 2 twice baked potatoes
- 1/2# asparagus
- 2 stuffed chicken breasts** (1 Florentine, 1 regular stuffing)

All for the low, low cost of around $45. Then I realized I didn't have any wine in the house. I usually do, but with the burglary I been spending minimal time at the apartment thus not needing to shop for booze - I mean, groceries. I got 2 bottles of wine and cookies at the grocery store. Done & done. And I felt great. I planned a meal that I'm going to cook for a guest. And its all really great food. Or at least it has the potential to be a really great meal.

And then it hit me. This is like a fancy meal. Like a meal you have with someone you're serious with. Someone you're actually dating for real, not for sex. And now I'm freaking out. Because I don't want him to freak out when he comes over. Like I planned this for him and am going to profess my love or something. I mean, I'm not going to be lighting any candles. So now the purchasing high is gone and I'm stressing about what I'm going to tell #2 when he calls. I didn't even confer with him what he actually wanted to eat, or what time we're going to get together. I just went out and did.

Here are the options of how to explain my crazy grocery purchasing behavior:

1) Temporary insanity
2) Given to me from my mom last week
3) Drug to store earlier in week by co-worker, bought things that I thought I'd like
4) In the mood for steak, decided to pick some up
5) Deny, deny, deny & then suggest we order in or go out

I am actually leaning towards the second option. Or the third one.

Aside from all of that, I had no idea that we would be hanging out tonight. And although I'm showered, I am not necessarily um, ready, for his visit. Let's just say that I have a lot of maintenance to do when I get home tonight. I'm sure I'll be rushing around because as I look out my window now, I see the start to the projected 3day rain storm. The commute should be stellar. Great.

Plus I don't know what to wear. As we all know, this girl is not feeling her sexiest. Fattest, yes. Sexy, no. This burglary has been a huge thorn in my side. I was going to go to the flirty kitty to pick up a little diddy for #2's return. But since my life was so inconveniently interrupted, I am only living off cash. So being a lazy ATM whore did not yield well to my desire to actually parking and walking into the bank. Thus the FK got scratched.

Prior to the burglary I did seem to spend over $100 on new undies so I'm sure I can piece something together. I just have to remember #2's fondness for pig tails...

Yea, he's really creative.

*I actually know and am good friends with steak-haters. I just don't understand it is all.
**These are either for me to be frozen/cooked at a later date OR to give the option to #2 if he doesn't want steak. Which I wouldn't understand at all.

Weigh-In Tuesday - Week 1

So this is going to be my new segment - forgive me for lack of better term. In an effort to not get any fatter I am going to do weekly weigh-ins for 1 month starting today. And I will give an update on what I'm doing or planning on doing, or did not do to help myself along. I'm hoping that it will make me feel more accountable for what I put in my mouth, versus keeping it all a dirty little secrety to myself. No lying allowed.

Ok here goes:

9/15/09, Week 1, 144lbs.

After the first rounds of weddings I was ampted to start back up on the healthy lifestyle. Plus gaining the 10lbs since May really pissed me off. So I actually kicked off this little game on Friday 9/11. I went grocery shopping for fresh produce and PLANNED MEALS IN ADVANCE. And little to no carbs for 2weeks at least.

After a $140 bill - yea I'm just one person - I brought my goodies home and set aside time to cook meals in advance. Essentially, to make my own frozen dinner options. My thinking is this: I won't use hunger as an excuse to skip the gym in the evenings. I will have my food ready, I just have to take it out of the freezer in the morning & let it defrost in the fridge then heat it up. It will cut cooking time down by like 75% and I can still get out the door by 6:30 for the gym.

On Friday I made: ground turkey breast meatballs, stuffed peppers with some of the said turkey mix, 3 chicken breasts, and roasted veggies. Individually packed it all & stuck it in the freezer.

On Monday I decided to have chicken & veggies for a stir fry before going to a class at the gym at 7pm. On Monday I got annoyed with the traffic, which makes me think I'm hungry, and ate a snack of cereal, string cheese, and a can of soda. Then after 15min ate the stir fry and watched tv. Never once getting off the couch until bed time. I can't even stick to the plan for the first day.

BUT today is a new day. I have set aside salmon & will make brocolli. Then I have a class at the gym at 6:30pm where my gym buddy A will be meeting me. Having someone else that is expecting me there will be a big help of getting off the couch and getting moving.

Fingers Crossed....

Steady Incline

5:30am. Post pee. Pre shower. There it was, sitting in the corner of the bathroom. Black . Shiny. Staring me down. Tempting me to step on and see the results. The results of living, eating and boozing in Chicago for the past 4 months. I got up the courage, clicked it on with my toe and took the step.

One small step for men, a giant leap for women.

They say the scale doesn't lie. And, to my dismay, I'm pretty sure that the fancy do-dad one at my parents' house doesn't either. Needless to say, it wasn't what I wanted to see on an early Monday morning. The three numbers that glared at me in neon blue were not the three numbers I have become accustomed to. Nor were they any three numbers that I have seen together from the scale in...never. I am at my heaviest. My heaviest ever.

Although the number on the scale shocked me, I can't say that I'm really all that shocked that I've gained weight. I have noticed things getting "soft". My jeans, a little tighter. My swim suit bottoms, providing a little less coverage. My boobs, totally swollen and huge (perhaps there is a perk!). I just didn't realize HOW MUCH weight. We're looking at about 8lbs since I've moved. And I know why (don't we all?!?): I've slacked both with food & the gym. And I gave myself excuses to not feel bad for it. Well, at least excuses during the moment of consumption.

i live in denial. I know that eating cookies is not a good thing. But I tell myself that I can have one - or three* - because I never get the opportunity eat cookies. Or I'll go out to lunch and instead of getting a salad, I have to get my favorite dish - because I never get to go to [insert restaurant] so I have to get my favorite meal. Or I'll eat the fries - because (you guessed it), I never get to have the fries.

Sad face.

The truth of the matter is this: crap food surrounds me at work. And if by some chance it isn't around, I got into a bad habit of hitting up the vending machine. And since I don't buy sweets or chips for the apartment the cravings tend to be 10x worse when I'm out and about. Perhaps that fuels the "but I never" mentality.

Oh but there are others too, the "day is shot, so I might as well continue the gluten train" mentality, or the "I have plans (dinner/drinks) later so I might as well start now", or the "its the weekend" mentality.** Whatever fits my mood that day really.

In addition to all of that - she types as she waves her arms around in silent disgust - I have also convinced myself that I haven't had a chance to establish a good workout routine. Granted it took me 2 months to actually get a gym membership [insert moving excuse here]. Then, when I finally did, I worked out several days a week for 2weeks. Then I started to work out a couple of days every two weeks. And its gone down since then.

The most shocking thing of all is that when I finally make it to the gym, and its all said and done, I.LOVE.IT. I love it. I get energized and plan out the rest of my week around the gym.

But, I am very good at convincing myself to not make it to the gym. Its not my fault that I don't have a stable gym buddy [excuse]. And that I'm not used to my new gym's layout [excuse]. And that it rains [excuse]. Or its sunny [excuse]. Or that the commute makes me crabby [excuse]. Or that I don't have cute work out clothes [excuse]. And my gym shoes are old [excuse]. Or that I'm hungry, tired, want to watch TV [excuse, excuse, excuse].

Apparently, I've just been a whiny bitch about it for the past 4 months.

I've been trying - loosely - to turn it around. The plan now is to actually try. I'm usually a pretty fit and sensible eater. I need to get back to that. Fast.

Luckily the bridesmaid dress for the wedding this weekend still fits.

Unluckily I will be surrounded by delicious food and cocktails. Not to mention its a holiday weekend.

I think I'll start trying next Tuesday.

[EXCUSE]***



*Confession: The 3 cookies are more like 5 some days
**That one is a killer
***And probably one I'll stick to this week

365

It dawned on me on my drive into work this morning that it has been a year since things ended with the ex. An entire year. 365 days. Holidays. Weddings. Births. Vacations. Moving. All done on my own. Without him. And I survived.

[Insert Pat-On-The-Back Here]

In retrospect the ex and I had a great relationship. We got along really well. We had fun adventures. Went on a lot of vacations. Attended dozens of concerts per year. It was fun. Easy. We never fought - not once that I can remember. But on the other hand our relationship slowly slipped into friendship only. By the time things were ended, we were having sex maybe once per month and barely kissing or touching sensually. The months leading up to the break I'd try to convince myself that the lack of the physical stuff was because we were both living at home and had no where to comfortably do what we wanted. I could no longer handle sexing in back seats of cars, or forest preserves, or parks any more. It was mundane. Annoying.

The break-up was not a surprise. I feel as if we both were ready for it. He was just the one to pull the trigger. I had considered doing it myself several times last summer. But there was always something holding me back. A wedding. A birthday. A holiday. A vacation. I would think "well I would break up with him, but now is not the time...my birthday is next week" or "its BABs wedding" or "we're going on vacation". You get the picture. It was always "the next week" when I would address it.

Don't get me wrong, it was sad. I cried on his parent's couch when we called it quits. I cried that night. And I have cried on occasion since. But it isn't the "woe is me" crying. It has been tears for what used to be. We were mostly happy, even if we knew the end was near. The week after the break up I was relieved. I felt like a weight had been taken off my chest and I could breath again. It was the right thing for the both of us. Then and now.

365 days of singlehood. 365 days of rediscovery. 365 days of me.

Oh how the time flies...

Hangover Friday

Happy Friday! I, unfortunately, am at work today. And as you can see I am diligently working....rrrriiiiiiggggghhhhttttt. But my hangover won't let me and no one brought in hangover bagels. A-holes. So I blame this post on them, my co-workers.

So I have some random things to post about today. Welcome. And enjoy...well, maybe.

1) I don't get tan less swim suits. What I mean is this: no tan lines. I mean (1) who wants a burnt crotch and (b) how do you put on sunscreen in a public area. I'm pretty sure that you can't just dab a little on your nipple or cooter when there are children around. Or old people. Or that guy that goes to North Ave beach and sits with his "d" hanging down his leg facing towards you...

2) C & I had another perfect evening together on Tuesday. I could SO fall for this guy...if he could get it right in the sack. Right, well that's my bad. Its not like I don't enjoy what we do but I would like to orgasm too and not take care of myself afterwards. He doesn't know this. But, I digress. We picked up a bottle of wine Tuesday then walked to the lake (not the beach-beach) after making a steak dinner. It was this little park and it was all cement stairs to the water. The weather finally cooled down by evening and we just had a great time being goofy (ie: reading the x-rated personal ads and laughing at them, yes...AT THEM).

C) I went to a movie with the ex on Wednesday. It was inevitable that we would hang out. He moved here too; we saw each other about 3wks ago. BUT the good thing about going to a movie is that it leaves little time for chatting. SO it was a good thing. We saw The Hangover which was pretty funny shit. I recommend it. Two thumbs up by JD

D) WTF MJ died. Like he had a cardiac arrest at 50. Right before his comeback tour (so glad I didn't throw down for those tickets). I kinda believe he O.D.'d. Ok totally far fetched since they say CARDIAC ARREST however, drugs can induce that. AND I think he was so tired of people suing him. The latest being that model that was in the Thriller video...didn't she realize he was broke. I mean, Neverland Ranch was foreclosed! RIP MJ. RIP.

5) As a side note; I love MJ's music. I have been jamming out to it lately and the only silver lining about the whole thing is that the radio is playing it nonstop. WHICH I LOVE.

6) #2 came over last night. And after dinner, and 4 bottles of red wine, I told him it was time to cut things off. A little bit of a rewind is needed here first before I go on...

REWIND:
Last Friday night as apart of my drunken b-day bonanza #2 & I met up. He later came over to my place for some after hours and we had a pretty intense convo. Basically he didn't realize that I was DATING someone, he just though I was f-ing randoms (ick). I proceeded to tell him that if he was up for it, I would dump this new guy and be solely his. To which he said was a bad idea, he wasn't interested in a "relationship". Which led me to yell a little then to sex....I'm easy, what can I say.

ANYWHO: He came over last night, we cooked dinner, drank than had that discussion. He stayed the night and when I dropped him off this morning I said something like "see ya" to which he got all serious. He was all "is this the last time I'll see you" and I was all "no, well yes, lets make out" and he was all "ok". Then he got out of the car. Its a little sad. Honestly, I am tearing up right now. WTF! Not cool. I hate myself a little for that... \

But the good thing is: I choose C, my life will be less complicated, and I will be pampered by that sexy sexy man. What girl wouldn't love all of that.

7)In my attempt to save money I am cooking. And actually enjoying it. Granted, I'm not making chicken stuffed whatever but I am putting things in the oven. And using the stove top. Without the smoke detecor going off. Thankyouverymuch.

8) I feel naked today. I forgot my phone at the apartment. I was about 15min out and was very close to turning around BUT that would mean about an extra 45min to the commute (15 back, 15 to where I was when I turned around, the 30 with the increased traffic). I hate this.

Now the phone is ringing. Damn work!

Thanks for reading my randomness!

Truly yours,
PYT

(look it up if you don't know)
(but if you don't know what PYT is, I don't think we can be friends)

Second Guessing

Everyone does it. But for me there is this innate sense of questioning following any decision. This feeling doesn't discriminate. I second guess things from what I ate to what I bought to what I drank (or how much) to whom I slept with.

Why am I programmed to do this? Is it sheer terror of the unknown?

If you eat a doughnut, do you second guess it? Do you feel you should spend that extra 20min on the treadmill to make up for it? Do I have time for that extra 20min? What if I gain weight?

If you sleep with someone, do you later think - was it too soon? Did I give the wrong impression? Will he call?

Even though at the time of these decisions I am confident in my choice, its that short period of time afterwards that I begin to question it.

This week I think I broke the cardinal rule in apartment hunting. I looked up the new listings in the area where I've already signed the lease. There are places that include parking and are cheaper. I feel slighted, confused. Did I make a too hasty of a decision? Is this the area that I really want to live?

This prompted me to jump onto Google to see what was around. I've done this time and time before and find there is plenty in my neighborhood. But this time, I felt panic. The neighborhoods where my friends live and play is about 2miles away. Walking distance, yes. But in heels? That's a cab ride. Now my thinking is: Did I choose a place too far west? Will they come to my 'hood? Can I really ride my bike around? How will I get to North Ave. Beach in the summer? How will I make this work?

The excitement of having this shiny new apartment is wearing off. I am becoming anxious about this move and am concerned it was a bad choice or wrong location or...

What happened to the high I was feeling less than 24hrs ago?

Will it come back?

I hope so....

Sweet Home Chicago

I spent six hours apartment hunting yesterday. SIX hours. I saw 12 apartments. From Roscoe Village to the Ukrainian Village. But I think I found it. No, I did find "The One".

Its in Roscoe Village. Near the park. 3 blocks from Roscoe Street bars & shops. Down the street from The Beat Kitchen. And a stone throws away from the busy night life of Wicker Park, Lakeview, & Lincoln Park.

Its a one bedroom coach house with wood floors and a ton of closet space - it would be my first walk in closet! White crown molding. A dishwasher (this is big people!). Its a 2 flat, with one tenant that lives above me. She has apparently been there for over 40 years. This could be good or very bad...

The coach house is separated from the main "house" (read: 3 flat) with a mini backyard sanctuary. A little bit of grass, a bench, flowers. Not to mention the landlord is from Ireland. And since I love accents (plus we'll likely share an affinity for beer) I'm sure we'll get along just fine.

There are only 2 downsides: No parking and the cost. There is street parking but I can only imagine it being my worst nightmare when I can't find parking on a wintry day after a 2hr commute from the 'burbs. Let's keep our fingers crossed that this doesn't happen and I retain my sanity. Now the cost. Its about 100$ more than I want to spend. Doesn't sound like a lot, right? Well, when you're talking $1000/month for rent alone (no utilities included) that means I will be on a tight budget. And this girl is bad at budgeting...especially when drunk at the bars. Somehow that credit card comes out A LOT.

So I put in an offer of $900/month. It may or may not work. The way I think about it is this: if you don't ask you'll never know. The worst he says is no then I either start the search over or suck it up and pay the full amount. But since I would be willing to move in May 1 vs. June 1 it is in the landlord's best interest to meet me at $900 versus loosing an entire month's rent. We'll see what happens. I should hear back by Monday or Tuesday.

Once this is settled, its time to move onto the fun stuff.

UPDATED: ANNOYING - I spent about 10min trying to get this post to actually have paragraph separations. As you can see it didn't work.

2 Weeks Notice - Part Deux

I decided to stay.

The offer from CompanyA is not something that I could give up. A promotion. Matching the offered salary from CompanyB. Plus I was also able to negotiate for more responsibilities - I will do my every day job plus work on special projects with the different directors and become more involved in administration within my own department. Not to mention the benefits at CompanyA far exceed CompanyB's. Hello, every-other-Friday-off. Oh how I would have missed you.

I suppose it was a no brainer to stay once they guaranteed the raise and promotion. Unfortunately it wasn't confirmed until yesterday. So it was only yesterday that I called CompanyB to advise I wouldn't be there on April 15th. I had to leave a message. And their office is closed today - Good Friday - so they won't get the message until Monday. A mere 2days before I was supposed to start. Eek.

I feel terrible but it wouldn't have been a smart move to advise CompanyB before the CompanyA offered was set in stone. Right?

Now onto bigger & better things. I officially have the funds to make the move downtown. No excuses. So I have fully invested myself in looking for apartments in the city. I have made appointments and plan to move out by June 1. Definitely before my birthday. Being 26 and living at home is unacceptable.

Plus I got the the needed kick in the pants from Wednesday's little voicemail. Thanks Mom.

Its happening. And I'm happy. And I guess, I'm successful.

Unwinding

"I need a cocktail. Let's be drink/food whores tonight"

This is the opening line to S - my best friend & long standing gym date every Wednesday. She agrees, perhaps begrudgingly since she's on a diet. But there is always a "free pass" card if one of us need it. I needed it. I cashed in.

All guilt fell by the way side when I walked up to S in the new sushi joint in town - she was already seated with a beautiful strawberry-basil mojito by her side...half gone.

"Let's order like we're not planning on going to the gym afterwards" says S

Ah, words that warm my heart. Just what I needed.

We continued our sushi party - 5 rolls ordered, including "fancy" rolls (read: expensive). A special treat since we had a gift card. Delicious.

Several mojitos later...dessert? Yes please. There are a few places in town that are famous. After running the list we make it downtown ('ville, not Chi) and order. A glass of wine later...or two...it comes. We kill it. Its part satisfaction, part guilt. But its only Wednesday, we have 4 days to make it up at the gym.

S is my go-to gal. She is someone I chat with all day during work via email then meet at the gym 2-3 times per week. Not to mention the shopping trips, movie dates, or nights out on the weekend. Today I needed her. She was there. No questions asked. And she knew what I needed. An ear and an opinion. An honest opinion.

I'm struggling with this 2wks notice...I was countered offered and it was good. Very good. A decision I thought was made has been shattered and I'm back at square one. Confused. With a headache. And needing a cocktail - or two - tonight especially in light of the notice and fender bender in the downpour last night - no injuries, a less than 5mph bumper kiss but annoying all the same.

The best thing about the evening was how much I felt she wanted to help. The things we discussed never began with you this, you that. it was always, "we". You may think that is strange but its not. S helps me through a lot. She was the one that held my hand, handed me Kleenex through the "break". But its more than that - our friendship expands more than 10 years. We played Sweet Valley High board games together, watched Shag, traveled together. She is able to help me help myself at times. As I hope I help her. It is a true friendship, a sisterhood.

I think this is what I needed. A drink. A person to vent to. A person that would give an opinion, not say "its your decision, you're an adult". I think we - I mean, I - made a decision. The stress is slowly dissipating. As is that terrible headache.

2 Weeks Notice - Part One

Its nailed down. In stone. I start with the CompanyB on April 15th. 7:30am. Downtown Chicago. Its happening. 2 weeks. Now all I have to do is give notice...

I'm a little nervous about this. I've done it before but this job has more meaning to me than the last. Probably because I know I'm giving up a lot of perks and some really great people. And let's face it, a pretty cushy job. But even with all of the positives I still feel that this is right move. For me. To move forward. To grow up.

I can already picture what is going to happen. My mental image is not looking pretty. I expect shock from my supervisor and executive director. A closed door meeting. A counter offer. But their money is not their own - it requires approval from the board which I doubt would give it. And I doubt that I would even take it....unless it was a couple thou over what CompanyB is giving me.

Plus when you work with middle age to elderly women they gossip. A lot. In whispers. This is going to spread like wildfire. And more likely than not there will be rumours surrounding it (OMG she was sleeping with the boss' son! - ha if they only knew). Along with dirty looks. I suspect only a small few will actually approach me.

Its final. The resignation letter is written, printed, signed & sealed.

Hopefully my nerves don't get the best of me.

But for now, its time for a celebratory cocktail!

The Great Debate

Ok, so I have been debating on my next move. Literally. July 4, 2009 is rapidly approaching - Christ, its practically April! 3months left to get my act together. And its not like I've been slacking, I've been coming up with ideas and plans. I practically have my own personal catch phrase - "my new life plan is ..." then I fill in the blank. I've come up with numerous "life plans" ranging from the extravagant and impractical to the downright boring.

I spent most of 2008 looking at condos in the 'burbs and found quite a few that I really liked. But I never had that "A-ha" moment. Nothing felt quite right, nothing fit me. I took a step back to evaluate what I - me, as an individual, as a single professional - wanted in my life. I want adventure, freedom, and mobility which is harder to accomplish while being tied down with a mortgage. The idea of buying a condo got the boot - and yes, I know its a great time to buy. Thankyouverymuch.

Next I was going to London. By 2010. To work, to travel, to just get out there and live a little. The outline of the plan is this: I'll get my visa, apply for 6-12month working contract in my field, find a flat, call a friend, and cross that pond. Totally practical, right? Yea, especially since I've never even crossed the Atlantic before. I did start collecting the necessary documents to apply for the work visa but then...

The FBI is going on a major hiring spree. The answer to my prayers! My ultimate goal in life has been to work as a special agent within the government. Heck, my degree is in criminal justice! I am a card carrying member of the FOID (firearms owner identification) card. I watch Cops, read novels written by former FBI/CIA agents, and debate on taking the L-SAT on a weekly basis for this specific purpose! I applied...for 5 positions. Now the wait is on, applications are open through November then its at least 1-2 years of screening IF I even make it past the application process. Which makes it ideal to remain in the country. Bye-bye London, I'm sorry we never met.

Now I'm Chicago-bound. I always pictured myself in The City - working, living, dating, loving, you name it I want it. My friend S constantly says that I have a major crush on Chicago. And I do.

I have applied for several positions and I actually got an interview. This past Monday, I actually got an offer! I know, even in this economy. Now the debate is - do I take the plunge, knowing I'd be settling for a minor salary increase and slightly worse benefits? Not only that but I find myself doubting the change and questioning everything: If I move out there who will visit me? Can I make it on my own? Will I regret this?

And here I sit, a week later, still struggling with this decision. Why am I so scared?