hmmm

Per usual there are multiple ideas bouncing around in my head right now. Granted, i'm about a bottle in so that tends to turn to the dramatic yet luckily (or not?) there has been nothing dramatic or even noteworthy that has happened in the past week. I can't even believe that #2 left a week ago... although i write texts to him then delete them because I.WILL.NOT.WRITE.FIRST. right. i'm the only one playing that game and its against myself. lame.

here go some random thoughts. sorry.

i'm exercising...again. its been 3 days in a row then i decided i needed a break thus the wine. i have noticed that i am almost obsessed with food. i'm not sure why but i believe it has to do with boredom, the mundane. i just need a distraction. i'm eating but healthfully as possible. i mean, i didn't cross the street & get the gyros / fries that i have been dreaming about. back in the day this never would have happened.

back in the day...being 27 isn't a huge deal. it's not. you're still young however you start noticing, things. my knees...they have wrinkles. i have "cheese" on my right thigh. the beginnings of crows feet. loose skin. it takes me longer to shed the pounds & show the muscle. i have less desire to stay out late, i'd rather sleep. when i was 21-22 i thought not going out was a choice, but as i grow old i realize its just growing old. you actually don't want to get all crazy all the time. at least not more than 2 nights in a row. i mean, come on!

i sit here and think about my life. i'm not happy but not depressed. i mostly feel disappointed in myself. i thought i would be doing what i loved at this point, you know - the job that doesn't feel like it. its never going to happen to me. i unfortunately realize that at 27, i'll be stuck here by 30. i was listening to a radio program which talked about 20 somethings that are delaying adulthood. of all the reasons they gave, i found all of them invalid. so what 20somethings want to travel, to give themselves to public service, live with their parents... i feel as though it is apart of a common good - as long as you're productive, meaning searching yourself or the community or the world, not just playing PS3. i wish i did something noteworthy but now its too late. i can't even justify grad school.

match.com. is it as scary as i think? am i ready? i have high hopes that i won't be one of those statistics, but if i can't make friends in a 1.5 yrs then finding a "mate" is going to almost impossible. why is that...why is it that i am from here yet have no friends here. and can't make any. it's the worst. i can't say that moving back tot he 'burbs & living in an apartmenti would be any better off. i would do the same thing but just be closer when the 1x every 3 mos my friends wanted to get together. and i'd probably hang with S more often. we always found excuses for dinner/drinks. but if it was better??? i doubt.

i guess i'm in a funk. that's what my immediate family says. we say that to anyone that we can "feel" isn't acting themselves. as i call myself in a "funk" i actually feel the tears well and i'm not exactly sure why. perhaps its because i'mnot where i thought i would be at 27. or because i'm "alone" without a boyfriend or sex to distract me. or because my job is mundane and awful at the moment (but at least i have one)... it makes me wonder, is the grass actually greener???

this is totally random. i have nothing else. other than i hope he (#2) calls...sometime. i keep looking at my phone hoping when i know i shouldn't. it makes me feel pathetic. i need a hobby. i need to get my instrument from my parents. let the orchestra geeks unite!