Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Per usual there are multiple ideas bouncing around in my head right now. Granted, i'm about a bottle in so that tends to turn to the dramatic yet luckily (or not?) there has been nothing dramatic or even noteworthy that has happened in the past week. I can't even believe that #2 left a week ago... although i write texts to him then delete them because I.WILL.NOT.WRITE.FIRST. right. i'm the only one playing that game and its against myself. lame.

here go some random thoughts. sorry.

i'm exercising...again. its been 3 days in a row then i decided i needed a break thus the wine. i have noticed that i am almost obsessed with food. i'm not sure why but i believe it has to do with boredom, the mundane. i just need a distraction. i'm eating but healthfully as possible. i mean, i didn't cross the street & get the gyros / fries that i have been dreaming about. back in the day this never would have happened.

back in the day...being 27 isn't a huge deal. it's not. you're still young however you start noticing, things. my knees...they have wrinkles. i have "cheese" on my right thigh. the beginnings of crows feet. loose skin. it takes me longer to shed the pounds & show the muscle. i have less desire to stay out late, i'd rather sleep. when i was 21-22 i thought not going out was a choice, but as i grow old i realize its just growing old. you actually don't want to get all crazy all the time. at least not more than 2 nights in a row. i mean, come on!

i sit here and think about my life. i'm not happy but not depressed. i mostly feel disappointed in myself. i thought i would be doing what i loved at this point, you know - the job that doesn't feel like it. its never going to happen to me. i unfortunately realize that at 27, i'll be stuck here by 30. i was listening to a radio program which talked about 20 somethings that are delaying adulthood. of all the reasons they gave, i found all of them invalid. so what 20somethings want to travel, to give themselves to public service, live with their parents... i feel as though it is apart of a common good - as long as you're productive, meaning searching yourself or the community or the world, not just playing PS3. i wish i did something noteworthy but now its too late. i can't even justify grad school. is it as scary as i think? am i ready? i have high hopes that i won't be one of those statistics, but if i can't make friends in a 1.5 yrs then finding a "mate" is going to almost impossible. why is that...why is it that i am from here yet have no friends here. and can't make any. it's the worst. i can't say that moving back tot he 'burbs & living in an apartmenti would be any better off. i would do the same thing but just be closer when the 1x every 3 mos my friends wanted to get together. and i'd probably hang with S more often. we always found excuses for dinner/drinks. but if it was better??? i doubt.

i guess i'm in a funk. that's what my immediate family says. we say that to anyone that we can "feel" isn't acting themselves. as i call myself in a "funk" i actually feel the tears well and i'm not exactly sure why. perhaps its because i'mnot where i thought i would be at 27. or because i'm "alone" without a boyfriend or sex to distract me. or because my job is mundane and awful at the moment (but at least i have one)... it makes me wonder, is the grass actually greener???

this is totally random. i have nothing else. other than i hope he (#2) calls...sometime. i keep looking at my phone hoping when i know i shouldn't. it makes me feel pathetic. i need a hobby. i need to get my instrument from my parents. let the orchestra geeks unite!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Over It

Last week was my "long" week - meaning, I was scheduled to work on Friday because I had the prior Friday off. In case you didn't know, or didn't remember, my job is very employee friendly and comes with great benefits. One of those being having every other Friday off...the entire year. #2 had qusetioned if I had this past Friday off so we could hang out. I didn't but I was able to convince my boss to let me switch Fridays with myself so I could see #2 and spend the day with him.

I left the planning up to him because it was his last week in Chicago. I gave him the option of hanging out soley on Friday or including Thursday night. He chose to hangout Thursday and Friday. I was ecstatic.

Thursday night, after work and some adult activities, we decided to go to a historic Chicago eatery, The Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinder Restaurant. It was a place #2 had never been but wanted to try before he left for Seattle. The place was charming, after about a beer-long wait we were seated. The food was delicious - Mediterraen bread a large as a blanket, pizza pot-pies, and a bottle of Chianti. YUM. While at dinner #2 mentioned that his buddies - 7 guys - were at a local pub Kelley's so we decided to head over there. It was when we walked in that our evening came to a virtual hault.

If you've been reading, or God-Forbid know me personally, you know that #2 & I clash when it comes to hanging out with friends. I am fun, yet he thinks he needs to babysit me. I could tell that it was boys night out and that #2 wanted to "be one of the guys" so I graciously told him that when they left to go to another bar I would just head home. #2 was obviously agreeable with this plan and disappeared to hang with his friends while about 3 of them were "stuck" with me.

I have to admit, by the end I was starting to feel like a charity case - I was ditched, and I'm sure his friends saw that and were trying to compensate. They were all very nice and I think I was holding my own well. At one point, we lost the majority of the group to the outdoor patio seating so it was decided that us straglers inside would move it out....but I needed to close my tab first. As I'm walking out the door towards the patio stairs #2 meets me at the landing and asked me to leave. He wanted to spend time with his friends. Alone. He wanted me to leave now, not when they went to a different bar. I was shocked. And I had a full drink - not to mention I had paid for 80% of dinner and all his drinks at the bar. I glanced at the patio, saw 2 girls take the last 2 seats at their table, handed him my full Bacarrdi & Diet then hailed a cab.

That poor cab driver...

I. Was. A. Hysterical. Mess. Crying over the phone to HLo about how shitty he had been to me, how I was being NICE by even offering to leave at the next bar and he did this? She was able to talk me off the ledge and was trying to have me see reason. I stormed into my apartment, threw all his stuff into the living room and shut the bedroom door crying myself to sleep.

About an hour later I felt him crawl into bed and wrap his arm around me. It was not acceptable. I immediately got up, slammed the door, slammed the bathroom door then slept on the couch. At about 4am, I woke up with a crik in my neck annoyed that I had surrendered my bed to that ass, pushed him over to his side then slept in my rightful place. In the morning all was forgotten, neither of us mentioning the previous night and continued with our day.

And we had a pretty good day kyaking the Chicago River - minus the merky areas it was gorgeous day in the city. I love this city. Then we spent 2hrs in Whole Foods (that place will get you!) drinking our way through the store trying to find an acceptable lunch. It was devine. On our way back to the apartment #2 was listening to his favorite ESPN radio show and the announcers were at a local bar. He wanted to go...badly. It was about 2:30pm when he dropped me off asking if it was ok if he went. I began to say sure but quickly recovered saying it was not fine but he can do what he wanted. He went. I was ditched. Again. And within less than 24hrs.

Granted I had to leave the city to make back to the 'burbs for a mother/daughter wine tasting by 4pm, but I had changed my life, MY plans to make room for him and couldn't do the same for me? Not even for another 1.5hrs?!?

I put his stuff in a brown paper bag near his overnight bag. He texted later that he felt bad for leaving me behind. In the end it worked out ok because I was able to beat the Friday night commuter traffic by leaving at 3:15 and not 4pm.

Now I'm left wondering if I should see him one last time before he goes. I can tell you my friends say no, but I'm still on the fence. It's already going to end, so why not let it be a sweet ending? Or at least satisfying...ahem. Plus he does have a couple of things I want back - hello apartment keys! Yaidonknow. To the dismay of my friends I probably will see him one last time...

I'm not exactly sure of a couple things but especially how I've let it get this far and why I continue to let things like this happen. I guess I knew things would end and I didn't want to push any issue while we still had time to hang out. But for a smart woman to do this for 2yrs straight is unacceptable. I've hopefully learned my lesson and will not let this happen to me again with the next guy.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Knock on wood...

Work has been crazy this summer. I'm not sure if it was because I was gone most of June or if loosing a co-worker to retirement has pushed things over the edge (or the combination of both) but it is BUS-Y around here. There was a stint where I would work 7a-4:30p, then work at home from 6-9p. Luckily that's over. Although its been busy in our department I was in total shock, and inwardly pissed when I found out about the new trainee.

It's true, I was off for the majority of the month of June. I'm sorry, but when you get a free trip to Israel you go. My employer went above and beyond and employed a temp, our recent retiree, while I was away to manage my desk. It was a blessing. When I came back to work there was a lot to do, BUT there was a lot already off the books - aka little to no return phone calls or bills to be paid! Like I said a blessing, yet as a group we were still completely swamped.

About a week after readjusting to the daily grind my supervisor hurried our department of 3 into an impromptu meeting. At the meeting we were informed that D in the other department would be crossed trained in our department to help with the workload. I was fuming.

D & I are friends, we started our careers together and I unknowingly followed her here, to where we work now. Over the years we have become closer yet there is a form of rivalry between us, albeit a friendly rivalry. At the time of the "announcement" I couldn't see the bigger picture - we would get the help we needed, she would get the experience/resume bump - all I could see was rage, jealousy, but most of all I thought she was a backstabber.

What was I supposed to think?!? Here I am, back from vacation thinking everything is copacetic when she's been busy pleading her case to the Executive for my job? Really? Plus she had made no mention to me for the 2wks she knew about the "deal" and we're friends?!? OH and they're planning on giving her the more difficult cases, not just the easy ones?!?

Needless to say, after groaning about it to my parents and my closets friends I do see how this is a benefit. And after training her the other day I feel even a little triumphant - I mean, I was picked to train her not my co-workers in the department.

Now the tides have turned, our department is getting under control while D's department is blowing up so I don't think she'll be getting any of my - I mean, my department's work any time soon. For the sake of my own sanity I hope things remain calm for a bit...knock on wood. It's hell being overworked. And I can now say I am willing to accept the help when it's offered, rivalry aside.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Achy Breaky

I'm having a moment...well several lately which seem to coincide with the countdown to #2's departure to Seattle for MBA/MHA program. He'll be leaving next Thursday, and I am, or thought I was pretty well prepared. And it's not like we haven't tried to not try...

There has always been a reason not to try with #2. At first it was the 6yr relationship that I walked away from, then his father (my boss), then that falling out last February (2009), then C, and now school. Ever since last summer I have been well prepared for him to attend school again, knowing it would likely be out of state. Due to that fact we - the two of us - made a conscious yet unspoken decision not to become attached. What would be the point, right?

Actually that's not as easy as it sounds. We have this unspoken disconnect which is very difficult to maintain. We've drunkenly joked about what it would be like to see each other with their friends,how we would act, who we became, not to mention actually meeting friends. This is not to say it hasn't happened before, or at least been attempted. I've met his old roommates, twice. Both times I became incoherent drunk trying desperately to keep up with them that it left #2 & I on non-speaking terms until he could forgive me. He's met a handful of my friends at a Blackhawks game but no one could make it downtown beforehand so we basically just sat in a row together not even talking.

Then there was the fight about it all, which now looking back at it I wish we never made up...

Around February of this year while watching Seinfeld when he had a relationship epiphany. You know that episode where George merges the "worlds"; the Susan and Jerry worlds?? While it didn't work out for George, #2 wanted to try it with me. Yet there was always something else going on, or my friends weren't available, or more accurately he didn't want to babysit me. Honestly.

I mean, I get it. You are about to leave in 6mos. You want to be able to freely mingle with your friends. You don't want to worry about some chick you brought that knows no one. I can't say I blame him for his line of thinking. Back in the day I can admit my guilt to that. I would purposely not invite my then boyfriend out if i knew there was a possibility of dancing going on. He just doesn't dance. Then I would feel bad that he was bored and you know the rest. It wasn't fun. And yes, it was like adult babysitting.

But I AM fun. I am the girl friend that gets along with the randoms because I am pretty random. I hang out with my friend's friends when I don't know a soul. I have yet to hear what a nuisance I am, or that I'm a wallflower. I get along just fine.

This is the exact example of how #2 & I created such a distance within our personal lives that we really don't even know each other.

I digress. So the idea of babysitting led to a fight mid April while #2 & I were out for a late dinner on a Friday night at this cute little Thai place in Roscoe Village. We were having unexpectedly good Thai when he got a call from a buddy whom he hadn't seen in a while reminding him of a friend's birthday party that night in the Loop. It was at that point when everything went sour...and fast. It was evident he wanted to cut our date short and go. And go alone. I could tell and it was outright hurtful when he admitted it. The evening ended fast with a loud fight outside the restaurant. He went storming off in one direction; me, another. It was so infuriating that I swore to myself I would not let him back into my life this time. This time was the last time he made me crave more and feel like a bother; plus it was our first outright battle.

Needless to say about a 3 days later he wrote me an email apologizing, asking to see me, blah... And here we are now, still trying not to try until he leaves next week. I have to admit I curse myself for even letting him back into my life last April, it would have been easier to let him go after a fight versus loosing him to Seattle indefinitely.

I thought I'd manage better. I was gone most of June; he, all of July. But knowing he is home, seeing him last week and knowing that I only have a few more days to be with him is breaking my heart, bringing tears to my eyes and making me feel sick to my stomach. Ever since it was determine that Seattle would be his new home I have tried to convince myself that once August came and went I could start anew; yet as the days move closer to his departure I'm realizing it won't be that simple..that his month long trip isn't holding water to the fact he isn't coming back for months on end. It did not prepare me well for what else is to come; for this.

Now I find myself thinking about him constantly, mostly curious about what could have been if we would have tried even just a little bit. What is that saying, "to have love and lost is better than not loving at all"? I guess I'm left to wonder and cry silent unspoken tears about it until he's gone.

Friday, July 23, 2010

No Baby Here...

I can't say life has been amazing since I left the blogosphere. I can't say I've done anything of note or've been so busy I couldn't have dropped a line. I just was done. For a while at least. Maybe because I always thought I'd never tell my friends I blogged, so when I did and we talked about what I wrote I realized I could never be completely honest. Or maybe, I just got busy at work. I think its a combination, but mostly the later.

In the past 9 months I have successfuly NOT gotten knocked up. I haven't won the lottery, traveled the world (ok, maybe for only 12 days), gone back to school, fell in love... I have no excuses. I guess I was just sick of it. And now that I've been MIA I guess this blog is for me. And if you came back after all these months to just check, it's for you too.

Currently my thoughts are scattered. I recently made my first treck across the great Atlantic, traveled an amazing country and am left in awe. I've come back to my life with only a few who know what I've experienced, and less who know what I'm processing. On top of that, the guy (yes #2) I've been doing this silly dance with for about 2yrs is on his month long vacation now. I miss him. Or I miss our sex. I can't determine what is really real or what is contrived. I'm sad we never really tried and could be loosing out on something major just because we were scared. After Lolla he's gone for 3yrs...Seattle. Its not gone-gone but there's no use. It's perpetually on my mind.

Friends I've made over the past month are creeping up into my thoughts every day. I remember everything we've shared and know I may not be the girl that have the quips but at least we had real conversations. I am 27 for God's sake. I was specifically unnerved by one guy, Denver. He had my number. Immediately. It was exciting, nerve racking, comfortable all at the same time. I purposely avoided him at times, times where drinking & dancing were involved. There was a palpatory vibe that was scary. And he had a girl friend. And he wasn't even my type. Job-less. Car-less. Living in Denver. I regret the times I pulled back just a little. I've reached out to him since but theres really nothing to reach out to is there?

I feel lucky though. I've had such good karma, so far undeserved. I have a great family I wish I was closer too. Same can go for my friends. Yet at the exact same time I feel lonely, confused, and old. I thought that at my age - 27 - life would be figured out...meaning fiance/husband, house, career. All I have is an apartment, friends I see every couple weeks, and a job. 3 more years I suppose to "get my act together". I am jealous and envious of those who have a passion in life while I'm still drowing in possibilities. I'm hopeful I'll figure it out...because as we all know when you turn 30 THIS is your life. 3 more years...