Achy Breaky

I'm having a moment...well several lately which seem to coincide with the countdown to #2's departure to Seattle for MBA/MHA program. He'll be leaving next Thursday, and I am, or thought I was pretty well prepared. And it's not like we haven't tried to not try...

There has always been a reason not to try with #2. At first it was the 6yr relationship that I walked away from, then his father (my boss), then that falling out last February (2009), then C, and now school. Ever since last summer I have been well prepared for him to attend school again, knowing it would likely be out of state. Due to that fact we - the two of us - made a conscious yet unspoken decision not to become attached. What would be the point, right?

Actually that's not as easy as it sounds. We have this unspoken disconnect which is very difficult to maintain. We've drunkenly joked about what it would be like to see each other with their friends,how we would act, who we became, not to mention actually meeting friends. This is not to say it hasn't happened before, or at least been attempted. I've met his old roommates, twice. Both times I became incoherent drunk trying desperately to keep up with them that it left #2 & I on non-speaking terms until he could forgive me. He's met a handful of my friends at a Blackhawks game but no one could make it downtown beforehand so we basically just sat in a row together not even talking.

Then there was the fight about it all, which now looking back at it I wish we never made up...

Around February of this year while watching Seinfeld when he had a relationship epiphany. You know that episode where George merges the "worlds"; the Susan and Jerry worlds?? While it didn't work out for George, #2 wanted to try it with me. Yet there was always something else going on, or my friends weren't available, or more accurately he didn't want to babysit me. Honestly.

I mean, I get it. You are about to leave in 6mos. You want to be able to freely mingle with your friends. You don't want to worry about some chick you brought that knows no one. I can't say I blame him for his line of thinking. Back in the day I can admit my guilt to that. I would purposely not invite my then boyfriend out if i knew there was a possibility of dancing going on. He just doesn't dance. Then I would feel bad that he was bored and you know the rest. It wasn't fun. And yes, it was like adult babysitting.

But I AM fun. I am the girl friend that gets along with the randoms because I am pretty random. I hang out with my friend's friends when I don't know a soul. I have yet to hear what a nuisance I am, or that I'm a wallflower. I get along just fine.

This is the exact example of how #2 & I created such a distance within our personal lives that we really don't even know each other.

I digress. So the idea of babysitting led to a fight mid April while #2 & I were out for a late dinner on a Friday night at this cute little Thai place in Roscoe Village. We were having unexpectedly good Thai when he got a call from a buddy whom he hadn't seen in a while reminding him of a friend's birthday party that night in the Loop. It was at that point when everything went sour...and fast. It was evident he wanted to cut our date short and go. And go alone. I could tell and it was outright hurtful when he admitted it. The evening ended fast with a loud fight outside the restaurant. He went storming off in one direction; me, another. It was so infuriating that I swore to myself I would not let him back into my life this time. This time was the last time he made me crave more and feel like a bother; plus it was our first outright battle.

Needless to say about a 3 days later he wrote me an email apologizing, asking to see me, blah... And here we are now, still trying not to try until he leaves next week. I have to admit I curse myself for even letting him back into my life last April, it would have been easier to let him go after a fight versus loosing him to Seattle indefinitely.

I thought I'd manage better. I was gone most of June; he, all of July. But knowing he is home, seeing him last week and knowing that I only have a few more days to be with him is breaking my heart, bringing tears to my eyes and making me feel sick to my stomach. Ever since it was determine that Seattle would be his new home I have tried to convince myself that once August came and went I could start anew; yet as the days move closer to his departure I'm realizing it won't be that simple..that his month long trip isn't holding water to the fact he isn't coming back for months on end. It did not prepare me well for what else is to come; for this.

Now I find myself thinking about him constantly, mostly curious about what could have been if we would have tried even just a little bit. What is that saying, "to have love and lost is better than not loving at all"? I guess I'm left to wonder and cry silent unspoken tears about it until he's gone.