Per usual there are multiple ideas bouncing around in my head right now. Granted, i'm about a bottle in so that tends to turn to the dramatic yet luckily (or not?) there has been nothing dramatic or even noteworthy that has happened in the past week. I can't even believe that #2 left a week ago... although i write texts to him then delete them because I.WILL.NOT.WRITE.FIRST. right. i'm the only one playing that game and its against myself. lame.
here go some random thoughts. sorry.
i'm exercising...again. its been 3 days in a row then i decided i needed a break thus the wine. i have noticed that i am almost obsessed with food. i'm not sure why but i believe it has to do with boredom, the mundane. i just need a distraction. i'm eating but healthfully as possible. i mean, i didn't cross the street & get the gyros / fries that i have been dreaming about. back in the day this never would have happened.
back in the day...being 27 isn't a huge deal. it's not. you're still young however you start noticing, things. my knees...they have wrinkles. i have "cheese" on my right thigh. the beginnings of crows feet. loose skin. it takes me longer to shed the pounds & show the muscle. i have less desire to stay out late, i'd rather sleep. when i was 21-22 i thought not going out was a choice, but as i grow old i realize its just growing old. you actually don't want to get all crazy all the time. at least not more than 2 nights in a row. i mean, come on!
i sit here and think about my life. i'm not happy but not depressed. i mostly feel disappointed in myself. i thought i would be doing what i loved at this point, you know - the job that doesn't feel like it. its never going to happen to me. i unfortunately realize that at 27, i'll be stuck here by 30. i was listening to a radio program which talked about 20 somethings that are delaying adulthood. of all the reasons they gave, i found all of them invalid. so what 20somethings want to travel, to give themselves to public service, live with their parents... i feel as though it is apart of a common good - as long as you're productive, meaning searching yourself or the community or the world, not just playing PS3. i wish i did something noteworthy but now its too late. i can't even justify grad school.
match.com. is it as scary as i think? am i ready? i have high hopes that i won't be one of those statistics, but if i can't make friends in a 1.5 yrs then finding a "mate" is going to almost impossible. why is that...why is it that i am from here yet have no friends here. and can't make any. it's the worst. i can't say that moving back tot he 'burbs & living in an apartmenti would be any better off. i would do the same thing but just be closer when the 1x every 3 mos my friends wanted to get together. and i'd probably hang with S more often. we always found excuses for dinner/drinks. but if it was better??? i doubt.
i guess i'm in a funk. that's what my immediate family says. we say that to anyone that we can "feel" isn't acting themselves. as i call myself in a "funk" i actually feel the tears well and i'm not exactly sure why. perhaps its because i'mnot where i thought i would be at 27. or because i'm "alone" without a boyfriend or sex to distract me. or because my job is mundane and awful at the moment (but at least i have one)... it makes me wonder, is the grass actually greener???
this is totally random. i have nothing else. other than i hope he (#2) calls...sometime. i keep looking at my phone hoping when i know i shouldn't. it makes me feel pathetic. i need a hobby. i need to get my instrument from my parents. let the orchestra geeks unite!
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
No Baby Here...
I can't say life has been amazing since I left the blogosphere. I can't say I've done anything of note or've been so busy I couldn't have dropped a line. I just was done. For a while at least. Maybe because I always thought I'd never tell my friends I blogged, so when I did and we talked about what I wrote I realized I could never be completely honest. Or maybe, I just got busy at work. I think its a combination, but mostly the later.
In the past 9 months I have successfuly NOT gotten knocked up. I haven't won the lottery, traveled the world (ok, maybe for only 12 days), gone back to school, fell in love... I have no excuses. I guess I was just sick of it. And now that I've been MIA I guess this blog is for me. And if you came back after all these months to just check, it's for you too.
Currently my thoughts are scattered. I recently made my first treck across the great Atlantic, traveled an amazing country and am left in awe. I've come back to my life with only a few who know what I've experienced, and less who know what I'm processing. On top of that, the guy (yes #2) I've been doing this silly dance with for about 2yrs is on his month long vacation now. I miss him. Or I miss our sex. I can't determine what is really real or what is contrived. I'm sad we never really tried and could be loosing out on something major just because we were scared. After Lolla he's gone for 3yrs...Seattle. Its not gone-gone but there's no use. It's perpetually on my mind.
Friends I've made over the past month are creeping up into my thoughts every day. I remember everything we've shared and know I may not be the girl that have the quips but at least we had real conversations. I am 27 for God's sake. I was specifically unnerved by one guy, Denver. He had my number. Immediately. It was exciting, nerve racking, comfortable all at the same time. I purposely avoided him at times, times where drinking & dancing were involved. There was a palpatory vibe that was scary. And he had a girl friend. And he wasn't even my type. Job-less. Car-less. Living in Denver. I regret the times I pulled back just a little. I've reached out to him since but theres really nothing to reach out to is there?
I feel lucky though. I've had such good karma, so far undeserved. I have a great family I wish I was closer too. Same can go for my friends. Yet at the exact same time I feel lonely, confused, and old. I thought that at my age - 27 - life would be figured out...meaning fiance/husband, house, career. All I have is an apartment, friends I see every couple weeks, and a job. 3 more years I suppose to "get my act together". I am jealous and envious of those who have a passion in life while I'm still drowing in possibilities. I'm hopeful I'll figure it out...because as we all know when you turn 30 THIS is your life. 3 more years...
In the past 9 months I have successfuly NOT gotten knocked up. I haven't won the lottery, traveled the world (ok, maybe for only 12 days), gone back to school, fell in love... I have no excuses. I guess I was just sick of it. And now that I've been MIA I guess this blog is for me. And if you came back after all these months to just check, it's for you too.
Currently my thoughts are scattered. I recently made my first treck across the great Atlantic, traveled an amazing country and am left in awe. I've come back to my life with only a few who know what I've experienced, and less who know what I'm processing. On top of that, the guy (yes #2) I've been doing this silly dance with for about 2yrs is on his month long vacation now. I miss him. Or I miss our sex. I can't determine what is really real or what is contrived. I'm sad we never really tried and could be loosing out on something major just because we were scared. After Lolla he's gone for 3yrs...Seattle. Its not gone-gone but there's no use. It's perpetually on my mind.
Friends I've made over the past month are creeping up into my thoughts every day. I remember everything we've shared and know I may not be the girl that have the quips but at least we had real conversations. I am 27 for God's sake. I was specifically unnerved by one guy, Denver. He had my number. Immediately. It was exciting, nerve racking, comfortable all at the same time. I purposely avoided him at times, times where drinking & dancing were involved. There was a palpatory vibe that was scary. And he had a girl friend. And he wasn't even my type. Job-less. Car-less. Living in Denver. I regret the times I pulled back just a little. I've reached out to him since but theres really nothing to reach out to is there?
I feel lucky though. I've had such good karma, so far undeserved. I have a great family I wish I was closer too. Same can go for my friends. Yet at the exact same time I feel lonely, confused, and old. I thought that at my age - 27 - life would be figured out...meaning fiance/husband, house, career. All I have is an apartment, friends I see every couple weeks, and a job. 3 more years I suppose to "get my act together". I am jealous and envious of those who have a passion in life while I'm still drowing in possibilities. I'm hopeful I'll figure it out...because as we all know when you turn 30 THIS is your life. 3 more years...
Why is it...
Why is it...
- the one night you decide to stay in there's a party in the courtyard
- you choose to drive behind the camry versus the kidnap van & they pull over for ice cream
- your mom questions why you're not married
- said mom suggests eharmony
- you think about the same person you spent 10days in Israel with...
- you think about the guy that's given you nothing for 2yrs
- you're 3/4 into a bottle of wine and its only 7:45
- you question why your friends are married, buying houses, planning babies & you're still living like you're 21
- that you feel so bad you can't pay off your credit card bill this month
- you feel friendless
- you're single
- you always feel better on Friday nights, worse on Sunday's
- you hate your best co-worker friend, when she's just moving on up
- you take pride & triumph in insignificant tasks
why is it....
- the one night you decide to stay in there's a party in the courtyard
- you choose to drive behind the camry versus the kidnap van & they pull over for ice cream
- your mom questions why you're not married
- said mom suggests eharmony
- you think about the same person you spent 10days in Israel with...
- you think about the guy that's given you nothing for 2yrs
- you're 3/4 into a bottle of wine and its only 7:45
- you question why your friends are married, buying houses, planning babies & you're still living like you're 21
- that you feel so bad you can't pay off your credit card bill this month
- you feel friendless
- you're single
- you always feel better on Friday nights, worse on Sunday's
- you hate your best co-worker friend, when she's just moving on up
- you take pride & triumph in insignificant tasks
why is it....
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
365
It dawned on me on my drive into work this morning that it has been a year since things ended with the ex. An entire year. 365 days. Holidays. Weddings. Births. Vacations. Moving. All done on my own. Without him. And I survived.
[Insert Pat-On-The-Back Here]
In retrospect the ex and I had a great relationship. We got along really well. We had fun adventures. Went on a lot of vacations. Attended dozens of concerts per year. It was fun. Easy. We never fought - not once that I can remember. But on the other hand our relationship slowly slipped into friendship only. By the time things were ended, we were having sex maybe once per month and barely kissing or touching sensually. The months leading up to the break I'd try to convince myself that the lack of the physical stuff was because we were both living at home and had no where to comfortably do what we wanted. I could no longer handle sexing in back seats of cars, or forest preserves, or parks any more. It was mundane. Annoying.
The break-up was not a surprise. I feel as if we both were ready for it. He was just the one to pull the trigger. I had considered doing it myself several times last summer. But there was always something holding me back. A wedding. A birthday. A holiday. A vacation. I would think "well I would break up with him, but now is not the time...my birthday is next week" or "its BABs wedding" or "we're going on vacation". You get the picture. It was always "the next week" when I would address it.
Don't get me wrong, it was sad. I cried on his parent's couch when we called it quits. I cried that night. And I have cried on occasion since. But it isn't the "woe is me" crying. It has been tears for what used to be. We were mostly happy, even if we knew the end was near. The week after the break up I was relieved. I felt like a weight had been taken off my chest and I could breath again. It was the right thing for the both of us. Then and now.
365 days of singlehood. 365 days of rediscovery. 365 days of me.
Oh how the time flies...
[Insert Pat-On-The-Back Here]
In retrospect the ex and I had a great relationship. We got along really well. We had fun adventures. Went on a lot of vacations. Attended dozens of concerts per year. It was fun. Easy. We never fought - not once that I can remember. But on the other hand our relationship slowly slipped into friendship only. By the time things were ended, we were having sex maybe once per month and barely kissing or touching sensually. The months leading up to the break I'd try to convince myself that the lack of the physical stuff was because we were both living at home and had no where to comfortably do what we wanted. I could no longer handle sexing in back seats of cars, or forest preserves, or parks any more. It was mundane. Annoying.
The break-up was not a surprise. I feel as if we both were ready for it. He was just the one to pull the trigger. I had considered doing it myself several times last summer. But there was always something holding me back. A wedding. A birthday. A holiday. A vacation. I would think "well I would break up with him, but now is not the time...my birthday is next week" or "its BABs wedding" or "we're going on vacation". You get the picture. It was always "the next week" when I would address it.
Don't get me wrong, it was sad. I cried on his parent's couch when we called it quits. I cried that night. And I have cried on occasion since. But it isn't the "woe is me" crying. It has been tears for what used to be. We were mostly happy, even if we knew the end was near. The week after the break up I was relieved. I felt like a weight had been taken off my chest and I could breath again. It was the right thing for the both of us. Then and now.
365 days of singlehood. 365 days of rediscovery. 365 days of me.
Oh how the time flies...
Monday, August 24, 2009
FALLing
A typical Chicago summer: hot, sticky and a muggy mess. Usually. Luckily (or unluckily - ?) for us this year global warming, or the shifting of the seasons, or whateveryouwanttocallit has given us a mostly pleasant - albeit at times a relatively cool and rainy - summer. We just hit 90degrees a couple of weeks ago for the first time this summer that included the dreaded heat index of 100degrees+. For the first time. In August. Granted this only lasted 2days before the weather plummeted (ok, it wasn't that dramatic) to a mere 75degrees again.
All I was looking forward to last week was a nice afternoon at the beach on Saturday. I checked the forecast daily, hourly at times, just to be sure I would be getting the sun I so craved. At the beginning of the week it was a projected sunny, 76degrees. Then on Thursday it was supposed to be sunny 70degrees. Still doable. If it is really sunny.
Since I'm sin-Internet at the apartment now, I decided to risk a visit to the beach Saturday. I was up early and the sun was out. I pulled on my swim suit, loaded up my back pack and jumped on my bike. The ride was fantastic. It was warm. Sunny. And city seemed to have a sparkle to it. It was clear skies with beautiful sailboats sprinkled across the glimmering blue lake.
After a little exercise riding the LSD bike path, I found my way to North Avenue beach. Locked up the old stallion then made my way onto the sand. I was all set up: shoes & cover up off, towel out, book in hand, iPod set to Eric Clapton Unplugged. Then the sun disappeared. And the breeze kicked into high gear. It was 11:15am.
I looked around. The beach wasn't empty but it wasn't littered with people either. There were girls in their bikinis. Guys in only their swim trunks. I wasn't the only one out there. As I laid there, unable to concentrate on my book - due to my convulsions from the cold - I watched the sky. Dark heavy clouds sat over the lake and outstretched past the once beautiful skyline. The buildings looked dark and ominous. The lake no longer held its sparkle. It became frigid and uninviting. It was 11:30am.
I flipped onto my stomach in an attempt to settle back into my book. To keep my eyes off the sky. A silent prayer in my heart for sun. If only there was sun I could take the cold breeze that kick up from the lake. Goose bumps covered my arms and legs. The shivers became more frequent. Groups of girls were throwing in the towel and leaving. I shifted my gaze up. The sky had not changed for the better. It was darker, spreading its reach even further. It was 12noon.
I was done. The cold. The possibility of rain. The idea of a 20min bike ride back to my apartment and warmth got the best of me. I packed up. Jumped on the bike and headed home. I rode past several signs which stated the time and temp. 65degrees. At 12noon. In the summer. The entire 6mile ride didn't even shake the chills out of my system. It took a hot shower to turn my lips back to its rosy color versus the blue that had settled in.
The weather never became the sunny skies that was promised. The summer weather that I am craving has been infrequent - or at least not falling on my days off. I can take a page from the past several years and expect that summer weather - the 90s & 100s that I'm craving now - to come in September and October.
October has become notoriously and record breakingly hot. And sticky. And a muggy mess. Anyone that has run the Chicago Marathon can attest to this. But by then I'm ready for the beautiful fall weather. Comfortable. Cool. With the skyline ablaze with reds, oranges, and yellows. I love the changing seasons - Fall being my favorite. This weekend was just a reminder of how the seasons have changed or shifted or whateveryouwanttocallit. Is it too much to ask that summer remain summer, and fall remain fall? I suppose so...
All I was looking forward to last week was a nice afternoon at the beach on Saturday. I checked the forecast daily, hourly at times, just to be sure I would be getting the sun I so craved. At the beginning of the week it was a projected sunny, 76degrees. Then on Thursday it was supposed to be sunny 70degrees. Still doable. If it is really sunny.
Since I'm sin-Internet at the apartment now, I decided to risk a visit to the beach Saturday. I was up early and the sun was out. I pulled on my swim suit, loaded up my back pack and jumped on my bike. The ride was fantastic. It was warm. Sunny. And city seemed to have a sparkle to it. It was clear skies with beautiful sailboats sprinkled across the glimmering blue lake.
After a little exercise riding the LSD bike path, I found my way to North Avenue beach. Locked up the old stallion then made my way onto the sand. I was all set up: shoes & cover up off, towel out, book in hand, iPod set to Eric Clapton Unplugged. Then the sun disappeared. And the breeze kicked into high gear. It was 11:15am.
I looked around. The beach wasn't empty but it wasn't littered with people either. There were girls in their bikinis. Guys in only their swim trunks. I wasn't the only one out there. As I laid there, unable to concentrate on my book - due to my convulsions from the cold - I watched the sky. Dark heavy clouds sat over the lake and outstretched past the once beautiful skyline. The buildings looked dark and ominous. The lake no longer held its sparkle. It became frigid and uninviting. It was 11:30am.
I flipped onto my stomach in an attempt to settle back into my book. To keep my eyes off the sky. A silent prayer in my heart for sun. If only there was sun I could take the cold breeze that kick up from the lake. Goose bumps covered my arms and legs. The shivers became more frequent. Groups of girls were throwing in the towel and leaving. I shifted my gaze up. The sky had not changed for the better. It was darker, spreading its reach even further. It was 12noon.
I was done. The cold. The possibility of rain. The idea of a 20min bike ride back to my apartment and warmth got the best of me. I packed up. Jumped on the bike and headed home. I rode past several signs which stated the time and temp. 65degrees. At 12noon. In the summer. The entire 6mile ride didn't even shake the chills out of my system. It took a hot shower to turn my lips back to its rosy color versus the blue that had settled in.
The weather never became the sunny skies that was promised. The summer weather that I am craving has been infrequent - or at least not falling on my days off. I can take a page from the past several years and expect that summer weather - the 90s & 100s that I'm craving now - to come in September and October.
October has become notoriously and record breakingly hot. And sticky. And a muggy mess. Anyone that has run the Chicago Marathon can attest to this. But by then I'm ready for the beautiful fall weather. Comfortable. Cool. With the skyline ablaze with reds, oranges, and yellows. I love the changing seasons - Fall being my favorite. This weekend was just a reminder of how the seasons have changed or shifted or whateveryouwanttocallit. Is it too much to ask that summer remain summer, and fall remain fall? I suppose so...
Friday, August 21, 2009
Momma Didn't Raise No Fool
Over the past month I have had my fair share of opportunity to think. Imagine what one person could get done during a male dry spell! Really, its amazing. Although I have no actual hard set goals - mine remain soft and fluffy, likely to be molded into something new again - I did elude to the fact that I have made several revelations on what I want. And I have. Kinda-sorta. And most of it is shallow. So don't hate. In no particular order, here are the things that I have decided on or realized.
I am ready for a boyfriend. Yes. An actual real life boyfriend! One that wants to hang out with regularity. And meet my friends. And go out on dates on Friday nights. And celebrate birthdays and holidays with. Yes, that kind of boyfriend. On the same token I'm not in any rush. You won't see me running to set up a profile on Match.com or Craig's List (ew!) any time soon. I figure it will happen when it happens.
I am not ready to stop hanging out with #2 & C. At least not yet. You might think that is contradictory to the above but really, its not. I'm in no particular rush to have a boyfriend and I am perfectly happy being single (minus the occasional instances when I self-pity and loathe it. Give me a break, its wedding season after all). I just know that I am ready - able - capable - to have a boyfriend or something more serious. But momma didn't raise no fool. I know where my bread is buttered so until Mr. Boyfriend comes around I'll keep with Plan B & Plan C for a bit longer.
I am dangerously coming close to falling for C. Yea. Again, contradictory to above statement, right? Totally. However, in my defense I have also realized that I will no longer initiate contact with him. At least for a while. S has heard this multiple times per week for the past several weeks but I'm really trying. But its hard since I like him. And I know he likes me. And besides all the b.s. he is exactly like a boyfriend when we hang out. Which is confusing. So I will be weaning myself off him, at least on my end. A little hard to get never hurt.
I need to start running. Again. But become better than I was at it before. I have found the gorgeous people. They flock to LSD after work to run. The men with their shirts off and 6-packs rippling. The ladies with virtuously no body fat. I used to be more - how should I put this - firm (I guess). Now I'm pretty soft and fluffy. This week I have attempted to get back into the swing of things. And it almost worked. Thank God for OnDemand Exercise channel. I think I'll be back in a routine by next week.
I eat too much. Its because I'm bored. I'm bored at work. The claims just aren't coming in. Since I do worker's compensation the economy is having a direct effect on my job too. Less workers = less accidents. Lay offs = less reporting of accidents. Things have been very slow. I completed a "special project" and even visited a client to discuss a particular claim. So I eat. This place is chock-full of free stuff. And I tend to take walks to the local Starbucks for my 3pm cookie. Thankfully that has stopped. But I am eating Swedish Fish like its going out of style. Then when I go home, after dinner there is nothing left to do. So I'll snack. Or drink a beer solo. Again, this week I've been trying to curb those bad habits so hopefully they are kicked by next week.
I think that is the majority of things that have been spinning around this noggin of mine. Now I am ready for the weekend. SO ready. I have worked 4 Fridays in a row! I know, I'm complaining about virtually nothing in most people's eyes. But at this company we only work every other Friday (we work really long hours to make up that time for our off Friday). My entire routine, with work & at home, is so scewed that I feel like I'm drowning in a never ending Groundhog's Day. Luckily I just worked my last Friday for three weeks. For three glorious weeks I can kick back on Fridays! Oh I am so excited. I feel like this work rut will finally work itself out and I'll be on the straightened arrow. And saner. And happier in the office. And happier at home.
Tootles!
I am ready for a boyfriend. Yes. An actual real life boyfriend! One that wants to hang out with regularity. And meet my friends. And go out on dates on Friday nights. And celebrate birthdays and holidays with. Yes, that kind of boyfriend. On the same token I'm not in any rush. You won't see me running to set up a profile on Match.com or Craig's List (ew!) any time soon. I figure it will happen when it happens.
I am not ready to stop hanging out with #2 & C. At least not yet. You might think that is contradictory to the above but really, its not. I'm in no particular rush to have a boyfriend and I am perfectly happy being single (minus the occasional instances when I self-pity and loathe it. Give me a break, its wedding season after all). I just know that I am ready - able - capable - to have a boyfriend or something more serious. But momma didn't raise no fool. I know where my bread is buttered so until Mr. Boyfriend comes around I'll keep with Plan B & Plan C for a bit longer.
I am dangerously coming close to falling for C. Yea. Again, contradictory to above statement, right? Totally. However, in my defense I have also realized that I will no longer initiate contact with him. At least for a while. S has heard this multiple times per week for the past several weeks but I'm really trying. But its hard since I like him. And I know he likes me. And besides all the b.s. he is exactly like a boyfriend when we hang out. Which is confusing. So I will be weaning myself off him, at least on my end. A little hard to get never hurt.
I need to start running. Again. But become better than I was at it before. I have found the gorgeous people. They flock to LSD after work to run. The men with their shirts off and 6-packs rippling. The ladies with virtuously no body fat. I used to be more - how should I put this - firm (I guess). Now I'm pretty soft and fluffy. This week I have attempted to get back into the swing of things. And it almost worked. Thank God for OnDemand Exercise channel. I think I'll be back in a routine by next week.
I eat too much. Its because I'm bored. I'm bored at work. The claims just aren't coming in. Since I do worker's compensation the economy is having a direct effect on my job too. Less workers = less accidents. Lay offs = less reporting of accidents. Things have been very slow. I completed a "special project" and even visited a client to discuss a particular claim. So I eat. This place is chock-full of free stuff. And I tend to take walks to the local Starbucks for my 3pm cookie. Thankfully that has stopped. But I am eating Swedish Fish like its going out of style. Then when I go home, after dinner there is nothing left to do. So I'll snack. Or drink a beer solo. Again, this week I've been trying to curb those bad habits so hopefully they are kicked by next week.
I think that is the majority of things that have been spinning around this noggin of mine. Now I am ready for the weekend. SO ready. I have worked 4 Fridays in a row! I know, I'm complaining about virtually nothing in most people's eyes. But at this company we only work every other Friday (we work really long hours to make up that time for our off Friday). My entire routine, with work & at home, is so scewed that I feel like I'm drowning in a never ending Groundhog's Day. Luckily I just worked my last Friday for three weeks. For three glorious weeks I can kick back on Fridays! Oh I am so excited. I feel like this work rut will finally work itself out and I'll be on the straightened arrow. And saner. And happier in the office. And happier at home.
Tootles!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Bug Juice...
"...doesn't come in a jar. Bug Juice comes from who you are..."
Anyone (besides TK & Rose) remember that Disney classic? If not, were you living under a rock during your formative years?!? Bug Juice was Disney's attempt at relatity t.v. And it obviously worked on me. Because I love me some teenage reality. Still. To this day. As an adult. Oh how I miss you Bug Juice. You taught me a lot. Luckily for me I lived with TK & Rose in college thus got to watch the TAPED episodes at my leisure. Thank you.
Right now, as I sit eating my huge plate of spaghetti & drinking some vino I'm watching the same old MTV Fat Camp episode that irks me and yet I can not stop! I love it. I tune in all the time. Ugh, if anyone knows what I'm talking about I HATE that girl with the glasses that sits in the infermary ALL THE TIME. UGH. When she sings I want to pull my hair out..."Sweet Home Alabama"...Ugh if I was in fat camp with her I would die. DIE. Or just treat her like eveyrone else did. There are still losers in fat camp. Tear.
UGH her name is Dianne. Gross. Moving on.
Following my Fat Camp obsession, I will turn to intervention (fingers crossed for a new one!). It makes me realize that I love relaity tv. Well, not ALL reality tv. That is something that Rose is good at, not necessarily me. I am drawn to reality (aka TLC) tv for the following: give me your fat, your midget, your addicted, your pregnant & your insane. These reality shows are for me.
LOVE Biggest Loser (while I eat ice cream with my Mom - we conference on this).
LOVE TLC - Although I had to pry my eyes open to finish "mermaid girl" (she was so sweet!) and "tree man" (that was WAY more difficult)
LOVE 16 & Preggers (TGI Marathon this weekend)
LOVE Intervention (please, OD. Please)
Right. So I may not be "normal" I still LOVE this reality b.s.
And its a good thing that it is taking my attention away from the non-sex situation*. Cable came at a damn good time...
*Don't fret my pets - its only been...um a week. BUT I do have news on the personal front. This post is obviously vino induced. You're Welcome.
Anyone (besides TK & Rose) remember that Disney classic? If not, were you living under a rock during your formative years?!? Bug Juice was Disney's attempt at relatity t.v. And it obviously worked on me. Because I love me some teenage reality. Still. To this day. As an adult. Oh how I miss you Bug Juice. You taught me a lot. Luckily for me I lived with TK & Rose in college thus got to watch the TAPED episodes at my leisure. Thank you.
Right now, as I sit eating my huge plate of spaghetti & drinking some vino I'm watching the same old MTV Fat Camp episode that irks me and yet I can not stop! I love it. I tune in all the time. Ugh, if anyone knows what I'm talking about I HATE that girl with the glasses that sits in the infermary ALL THE TIME. UGH. When she sings I want to pull my hair out..."Sweet Home Alabama"...Ugh if I was in fat camp with her I would die. DIE. Or just treat her like eveyrone else did. There are still losers in fat camp. Tear.
UGH her name is Dianne. Gross. Moving on.
Following my Fat Camp obsession, I will turn to intervention (fingers crossed for a new one!). It makes me realize that I love relaity tv. Well, not ALL reality tv. That is something that Rose is good at, not necessarily me. I am drawn to reality (aka TLC) tv for the following: give me your fat, your midget, your addicted, your pregnant & your insane. These reality shows are for me.
LOVE Biggest Loser (while I eat ice cream with my Mom - we conference on this).
LOVE TLC - Although I had to pry my eyes open to finish "mermaid girl" (she was so sweet!) and "tree man" (that was WAY more difficult)
LOVE 16 & Preggers (TGI Marathon this weekend)
LOVE Intervention (please, OD. Please)
Right. So I may not be "normal" I still LOVE this reality b.s.
And its a good thing that it is taking my attention away from the non-sex situation*. Cable came at a damn good time...
*Don't fret my pets - its only been...um a week. BUT I do have news on the personal front. This post is obviously vino induced. You're Welcome.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Ode to My Straightener
A Series of Short Haiku'sAhem....
where were you before
the mid 90s needed you
those pictures scare me
introduced by M
no more nappy fuzzy hair
you showed me the way
genius invention
smooth, sleek, shiny, controlled hair
without, i can't live
I could go on.....BUT is there anything you want to Haiku about?
Perhaps that toilet seat cover for the port-a-potty on a hot summer day while at the local hippy fest? Maybe standing to the left of a friend that just got goosed with bird poop?
Or if you have no imagination, you can read others
*Its supposed to 5-7-5. I think I did it. At least in MY head I did...unless I didn't, in which case I need to walk into the closest 1st grade classroom asap.
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Smell of Worms
Ah April. Spring weather. Green grass. Rain. Worms. And lots of them. Walking out the door this morning the pungent stench of worms smacked me in the face. A mix between uncertain wetness, fishing, and some type of metal - perhaps iron.
I have never been a fan of worms. Long ones. Fat ones. Skinny ones. Short ones. Active ones. Dead-looking ones. I am an equal-opportunity worm hater. I was the kid that squealed and ran the opposite direction when the dirty kid picked them up to show me. To this day, they still give me the heeby jeebies. I find myself jumping around them and walking on tippy-toes saying in a high pitched voice "eek" when getting to the car or walking along the side walk. Mature, I know.
I have never been a fan of worms. Long ones. Fat ones. Skinny ones. Short ones. Active ones. Dead-looking ones. I am an equal-opportunity worm hater. I was the kid that squealed and ran the opposite direction when the dirty kid picked them up to show me. To this day, they still give me the heeby jeebies. I find myself jumping around them and walking on tippy-toes saying in a high pitched voice "eek" when getting to the car or walking along the side walk. Mature, I know.
WARNING: When Googling "worm photos" be careful on what you wish for as it can get a little grotesque & scary.
********************************************************************************
On another note, I had a very productive weekend. My room is officially packed up - all things boxed and labeled. I thought the junk drawer held all of my treasures - I was wrong. I have 4 shelves on the walls that held its fair share of crap - I mean, memories. Not to mention the little nooks & crannies that I forgot I stashed stuff.
It was a headache. And dirty. And a little tense at times. 3 bags for garbage. 3 bags for Good Will (from clothes to a large Captain Morgan's Bank Bottle). 8 large boxes designated for elementary school/junior high, high school, college, costumes, books. The boxes will be staying at the parent's house until I move into a larger place, and one that I actually own.
All that is left to go through is the jewelry boxes (circa 1992 - present) and the photo collection. Then it is time to actually pack the things that I am bringing with me which will be a piece of cake.
I did find myself digging through the garbage to pull out all of the love notes/cards/mementos from the ex. I decided I would keep a shoebox to store these - I am just not ready to give them up yet. It will just be stored at the parent's with the others for now until I'm ready to decide what, if anything, to do with it.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Second Guessing
Everyone does it. But for me there is this innate sense of questioning following any decision. This feeling doesn't discriminate. I second guess things from what I ate to what I bought to what I drank (or how much) to whom I slept with.
Why am I programmed to do this? Is it sheer terror of the unknown?
If you eat a doughnut, do you second guess it? Do you feel you should spend that extra 20min on the treadmill to make up for it? Do I have time for that extra 20min? What if I gain weight?
If you sleep with someone, do you later think - was it too soon? Did I give the wrong impression? Will he call?
Even though at the time of these decisions I am confident in my choice, its that short period of time afterwards that I begin to question it.
This week I think I broke the cardinal rule in apartment hunting. I looked up the new listings in the area where I've already signed the lease. There are places that include parking and are cheaper. I feel slighted, confused. Did I make a too hasty of a decision? Is this the area that I really want to live?
This prompted me to jump onto Google to see what was around. I've done this time and time before and find there is plenty in my neighborhood. But this time, I felt panic. The neighborhoods where my friends live and play is about 2miles away. Walking distance, yes. But in heels? That's a cab ride. Now my thinking is: Did I choose a place too far west? Will they come to my 'hood? Can I really ride my bike around? How will I get to North Ave. Beach in the summer? How will I make this work?
The excitement of having this shiny new apartment is wearing off. I am becoming anxious about this move and am concerned it was a bad choice or wrong location or...
What happened to the high I was feeling less than 24hrs ago?
Will it come back?
I hope so....
Why am I programmed to do this? Is it sheer terror of the unknown?
If you eat a doughnut, do you second guess it? Do you feel you should spend that extra 20min on the treadmill to make up for it? Do I have time for that extra 20min? What if I gain weight?
If you sleep with someone, do you later think - was it too soon? Did I give the wrong impression? Will he call?
Even though at the time of these decisions I am confident in my choice, its that short period of time afterwards that I begin to question it.
This week I think I broke the cardinal rule in apartment hunting. I looked up the new listings in the area where I've already signed the lease. There are places that include parking and are cheaper. I feel slighted, confused. Did I make a too hasty of a decision? Is this the area that I really want to live?
This prompted me to jump onto Google to see what was around. I've done this time and time before and find there is plenty in my neighborhood. But this time, I felt panic. The neighborhoods where my friends live and play is about 2miles away. Walking distance, yes. But in heels? That's a cab ride. Now my thinking is: Did I choose a place too far west? Will they come to my 'hood? Can I really ride my bike around? How will I get to North Ave. Beach in the summer? How will I make this work?
The excitement of having this shiny new apartment is wearing off. I am becoming anxious about this move and am concerned it was a bad choice or wrong location or...
What happened to the high I was feeling less than 24hrs ago?
Will it come back?
I hope so....
Friday, April 3, 2009
Loss for Words
I got nothing. This week has been an emotional roller coaster with the whole job situation that I have nothing of interest to say. So instead of making a well-rounded post I will be posting my random thoughts of the day. Welcome to the inner thoughts of JD. Brace yourselves.
- Sausage. I feel like one. I have been eating myself into food comas most days for the past two weeks + no regularity at the gym. At least I'm only up 5lbs and not the 10lbs I was expecting when I stepped on the scale this morning. Plus, the weight tends to go to my boobs first. I suppose I should wear a low cut top tonight to take advantage
- Poop. Everyone does it. And it is to be expected that it will happen while you're at work. I mean, you're there more than you're at home. But please, please go to the last stall. I don't want to have to walk past your funk 2x's
- Hands. Wash them. I see you. I noticed. You're not washing them. Not with soap. And 5seconds under water doesn't count. I don't want your pee hand germs to transfer to me. Ugh, I guess I'll take that paper towel with me to the door...
- Party. Its the weekend. I survived a 5day work week. Tonight should be fun - trolley pub crawl downtown Chi. Coolers full of beer. Jello Shots. Pub specials. No lines. And no cabs. I'll drink to that...and pass me that strawberry jello shot to boot!
- Rent. Apartments. I'm looking online. Wicker Park & Bucktown area. Found several that are affordable and in the prime party - I mean safety location. I'll have to wait for L to go with me to walk/look around since she knows the area like the back of her hand. I also need to learn how to parallel park...
- Job. Still debating. But I think I'm pretty close to a decision. I will know more on Monday as to what CompanyA is going to do. It would be pretty awesome not to have to give up my every-other-Friday-off. Man, I'm a bastard. Debating between 2 jobs when so many are without. I suck
- Sun. 2 days of it then we're back to square one next week - snow. Will it ever end? Its April for fuck's sake
- Nails. I filed them. At work. I'm so productive
- Cookies. There is always something in the kitchen at work. Yesterday & today cookies. I think I've had about 7 today. 3 for breakfast and 4 sporadically - ok, every time I go in the kitchen/fax room. Shut it. I know I'm not helping the "sausage" situation
- Bachelorette Party. I'm on the planning committee. Have some really good ideas. Sent about 20questions to the bride-to-be to get an idea of what she wants. Jager & Patron shots may not be on her list
- Monday. That's when I'll stop eating crap & get my ass back in the gym. The week is shot anyways. Oh - you got some Swedish Fish? Hand them over. I think I feel my chin growing...
- Vacation. Would be nice to be on Spring Break. Those damn kids have it so easy. Bastards.
- Stop. Please. I don't want to hear about your beanie baby collection any more. Or your fucking guinea pig's surgery. For over 20minutes. I turned my back to you and began working over 10minutes ago. Did you not get the memo? Plus you're over 35 years old. This scares me. And don't crowd the cube. Its made for one
- Sex. Will I be having any soon? No, no. I told myself that I would be good. No #2, plus he hasn't called. But if he did...no. Anyone else? No one. Remember the goal: meeting a boy semi-sober and no sex until after a couple of dates. Fuck. I'm fucked. Wait, no I'm not...damn
- 3pm. Almost there. 1.5hrs left of work.
- Rock.Band. A new proud owner. Right here folks. My "roommates" will be pretty pleased with this. Ugh I have to wait about 15hrs before I can even play! Most likely by myself. I wonder if I should have friends come over to my parents' house tomorrow. Does that sound weird? Am I 12? Yes. Yes I am.
You're welcome.
- Sausage. I feel like one. I have been eating myself into food comas most days for the past two weeks + no regularity at the gym. At least I'm only up 5lbs and not the 10lbs I was expecting when I stepped on the scale this morning. Plus, the weight tends to go to my boobs first. I suppose I should wear a low cut top tonight to take advantage
- Poop. Everyone does it. And it is to be expected that it will happen while you're at work. I mean, you're there more than you're at home. But please, please go to the last stall. I don't want to have to walk past your funk 2x's
- Hands. Wash them. I see you. I noticed. You're not washing them. Not with soap. And 5seconds under water doesn't count. I don't want your pee hand germs to transfer to me. Ugh, I guess I'll take that paper towel with me to the door...
- Party. Its the weekend. I survived a 5day work week. Tonight should be fun - trolley pub crawl downtown Chi. Coolers full of beer. Jello Shots. Pub specials. No lines. And no cabs. I'll drink to that...and pass me that strawberry jello shot to boot!
- Rent. Apartments. I'm looking online. Wicker Park & Bucktown area. Found several that are affordable and in the prime party - I mean safety location. I'll have to wait for L to go with me to walk/look around since she knows the area like the back of her hand. I also need to learn how to parallel park...
- Job. Still debating. But I think I'm pretty close to a decision. I will know more on Monday as to what CompanyA is going to do. It would be pretty awesome not to have to give up my every-other-Friday-off. Man, I'm a bastard. Debating between 2 jobs when so many are without. I suck
- Sun. 2 days of it then we're back to square one next week - snow. Will it ever end? Its April for fuck's sake
- Nails. I filed them. At work. I'm so productive
- Cookies. There is always something in the kitchen at work. Yesterday & today cookies. I think I've had about 7 today. 3 for breakfast and 4 sporadically - ok, every time I go in the kitchen/fax room. Shut it. I know I'm not helping the "sausage" situation
- Bachelorette Party. I'm on the planning committee. Have some really good ideas. Sent about 20questions to the bride-to-be to get an idea of what she wants. Jager & Patron shots may not be on her list
- Monday. That's when I'll stop eating crap & get my ass back in the gym. The week is shot anyways. Oh - you got some Swedish Fish? Hand them over. I think I feel my chin growing...
- Vacation. Would be nice to be on Spring Break. Those damn kids have it so easy. Bastards.
- Stop. Please. I don't want to hear about your beanie baby collection any more. Or your fucking guinea pig's surgery. For over 20minutes. I turned my back to you and began working over 10minutes ago. Did you not get the memo? Plus you're over 35 years old. This scares me. And don't crowd the cube. Its made for one
- Sex. Will I be having any soon? No, no. I told myself that I would be good. No #2, plus he hasn't called. But if he did...no. Anyone else? No one. Remember the goal: meeting a boy semi-sober and no sex until after a couple of dates. Fuck. I'm fucked. Wait, no I'm not...damn
- 3pm. Almost there. 1.5hrs left of work.
- Rock.Band. A new proud owner. Right here folks. My "roommates" will be pretty pleased with this. Ugh I have to wait about 15hrs before I can even play! Most likely by myself. I wonder if I should have friends come over to my parents' house tomorrow. Does that sound weird? Am I 12? Yes. Yes I am.
You're welcome.
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